Dear CNN, MSNBC, FOXNEWS, NRA and President Obama

Dear American News Media Stations, the President of the NRA, and President Obama, 

First let me say that I am not a religious person. I do not believe that God creates, forgives or heals the wrongs of this world. That is my belief. However, during this time of tragedy for 26 families in Newtown, Connecticut, I hope they find whatever peace and comfort they need, wherever they need to get it from at this time to help with their grieving and hopefully their healing process. I am angry. I am upset. I am bewildered and I am saddened. 

The first thing that causes me pause and anger is the news media in this country. While the rest of the world is not innocent in this matter, I focus now on the USA. Mr. Jeff Zucker, (president of CNN worldwide) how would you feel if someone shoved a microphone in the face of your wife Caryn to ask about what her "feelings" were at learning that one of your four children (I won't be so callous as to reveal their names) had been shot and killed by a gunman? How about you Ms. Anne Sweeney who made history by being the first woman news president. If one of your own reporters, Diane Sawyer, thrust a microphone in your face and wanted your candid reaction to the death of your child, would you run your newsroom the same way then? Or better yet, if it was your child (which is on the Autism spectrum) who was the perpetrator of this crime? Still run your newsroom the same way? It makes me sick to my stomach that these people dare call this news. Who are you informing and WHAT the fuck are you informing them of? That human beings have emotions at the loss of a child or a family member? Thanks for the update. I don't know if I can hold the media entirely responsible. I understand the need to comprehend and put a meaning to a tragedy, but WE the mainstream american people, we tune in to this shit. Why? The same reason we slow down and watch the car accident on the freeway, morbid curiosity. Until you experience a tragedy similar to this (which I ask the Universe you never do) you won't understand the need to grieve in private and with people who love and care about you. When the time is right, these families will share their tragedy and pain but it has to be THEIR choice. These are not lottery winners, these are VICTIMS or a horrible horrible crime. This is not a sensationalism opportunity to garner ratings for these ridiculously indifferent, unemotional, greedy news organizations. So much like Morgan Freeman, I ask, no I implore you to turn off the news. There is nothing you are going to learn by listening to the shit they are spewing on these channels that common sense won't already fill you in on. The gunman is dead, he was obviously mentally ill and he isn't on the prowl for another school. They may be another gunman on the prowl, but unfortunately, we won't know who he is or where and when he will strike until he does. 

Next on the list. The NRA. I am firm believer in every American's right to arm themselves. I truly believe that it is not for the government to make that choice for me. However, at the expense of millions of lives, the vast irresponsibility that is displayed by the NRA and its lobbying for guns rights is so far beyond a travesty, I can't even begin to describe it. The American people require protection yes, however who are we protecting ourselves from at this point? The government? The militia hiding in the hills? The terrorists? When was the last time the US government came into your house and you felt the need to pull out a gun? And militia and terrorists? If they are going to kill you, it will be with a bomb from far range, because they are cowards. Home security? Check the statistics of how many gun owners are killed by their own guns due to lack of education or training with firearms. You'd be amazed. My point is if you want to own a gun, good for you. If you are mentally ill, can't pass a personality test, can't pass a drug test then no gun for you. The DMV test to obtain your license in the state of California has 18 questions and you have to get 15 questions right to be able to operate a vehicle in the state of California, which arguably can be just as dangerous a weapon as a gun. To own a firearm in California? A 10 day waiting period, proof of residency, and proof that you are over 18 for a rifle or over 21 for a handgun. No test, they do a minimal precursory background check (which can possibly exclude people based on past criminal history). Do you see something wrong with that? Where is the psychology test? Where is the personality test? I had to take a personality test, a drug test, a background check and pass a basic math and english test to get my job. I'm not a police officer, a banker, a government official or a gun dealer. BUT, I am in charge of other corporate entities money. Maybe that is the base of our problems. Money. Wouldn't that be a surprise to all? 

President Obama. While there are many that are not fans of yours, I happen to be a generous chance giving person. I believe that you want to do the right thing for Americans and people in general, I do. I believe that you govern with the best intent of the people in the forefront of your mind. This being the case, why have you lessened the regulations in most states and federally regarding gun control? Why have you not, in conjunction with your push for Obamacare, not brought the issue of mental health in this country to the forefront? Why haven't you pushed these issues back onto the Congress so that their constituents can hold them responsible for their actions? Why are there not more government programs to assist and support families with mentally ill children? Where is the assistance on the front end instead of throwing these people into the penal system which does nothing to assist with treatment and cures for them? Where are the support groups and mental health facilities for families with mentally ill and violent adolescents? While I believe that it is not the job of the government to fully support their people with no assistance from the people requiring the support, I do however believe these people are unable to do this on their own. For an epidemic that continues to plague this country for the last 25 plus years, and affects every American in this country in one way or another, why is there no support, legislation or government assistance for these citizens? 

During this holiday season, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain these 26 families will be enduring without having the benefit of their loved ones with them. I cannot imagine the strength and resolve these families will need to have to send their next child, sister, brother, friend back to school eventually. I cannot begin to point a finger at one person without pointing a finger at us all. While I have absolutely no sympathy for the person that committed these heinous crimes, I do have sympathy for us, the American people, because I have to ask, how many times must this happen before we stop "sending our thoughts and prayers" to people and start taking action to make a CHANGE. CHANGE the channel on your TV and stop watching the insensitive news stations that continue to perpetuate the violent climate of our society. CHANGE the way you vote. Take note of your legislators and gauge their stance on gun control. Are they being supported by NRA lobbyists? Do they really have your best interests at heart? CHANGE the way you ask our President to see mental health and mental illness in this country. Demand that the government provide some assistance for families of these children so we can prevent these tragedies and not react to them once they transpire. CHANGE the way you see your family and your part in their lives. Hug your kids, hug your mom and dad, hug your relatives and thank whomever your God is that you and yours are alive to experience another holiday season. This blog is my voice to you and my little corner of the world. Expand upon my voice, share this blog, add your comments or write your own, but please DO SOMETHING.

Happy Holiday everyone. 

Merry F'n Christmas.....

There are so many things wrong with the holidays it would take two lifetimes to list them out in this blog, so I will give you the "ESPN Highlights" version of the good, the bad and the WTF about the holidays. The biggest problem I see with the "holidays" is that they are one big fucking commercial. If you love your kid enough you will buy them one million dollars worth of toys and electronics. If you love your significant other enough, you will buy them outrageously priced jewelry or better yet, a car. WTF? Really, nothing says Merry Fucking Christmas like a car? Because I am sure in the true spirit of Christmas, baby Jesus and all the fucking wise men, were totally thinking car as a gift. No, no they fucking weren't. You know what gifts they gave Frankincense and Myrrh. You know what that is? Fucking resin from a tree burned like incense. Yeah, that's what they gave. Don't you feel like the idiot that brought a gun to a sword fight? Sure, the other gift given to baby Jesus was gold, but hey, he was going to die for all of your sins, and really what have you done this year to deserve some gold?  A car...puhleez. And what about our already spoiled children? Do they need another gaming system? Another fucking doll to teach social prejudice and make them feel inadequate that they aren't blonde haired and blue eyed? People bitch and moan every year that we have lost what the "true spirit of Christmas is". Well, then stop fucking paying thousands of dollars for shit that you and your family don't need. My other favorite? The holiday picture card, short story or poem. First, the picture is always either your stupid vacation photo that was taken no where near Christmas time OR it's you and your kids posing around the Christmas tree for a family moment that NEVER happens. The short story or poem drives me fucking mad. No one gives a fuck that little Janie came in first place during the year for her first grade spelling bee. Now if she was arrested for a DUI and took some people out on the way to jail, leaked a sex tape and was engaged to a member of the Wu-Tang Clan, then that may be holiday newsworthy. And why does it have to rhyme? Believe me, none of your rhyming skills are that of an Eminem, leave it to the professionals. Another highlight of the holidays is how all of a sudden people pretend like they like each other. I just saw you two beating the shit out of each other in the parking lot and talking some trash on Facebook, but now you are BFF's? WTF? You were touched by the holiday spirit you say? Maybe your greedy ass was touched by wanting some nice shit for Christmas. I'm all for burying the hatchet, but two weeks before Christmas only to be fighting on New Year's day does not count. But my ALL time favorite has got to be the people that feel the need to be in or start a relationship for the holidays. You know THOSE people. The ones who don't want to show up anywhere without a date. Office party, family party, whatever...can't go solo. So what do they do? They get desperate and turn their fuck buddy or casual dating partner into the next "one" for the holidays. This person is now the shit. They are your long lost love, the future parent of your child. Sure they are. They are good for being the designated driver when your ass drinks too much spiked eggnog and giving you a last minute gift bought at Rite Aid (open on Christmas) of Mariah Carey's perfume and a Whitman's Sampler. Or God forbid you commit the ultimate holiday faux pas and hook up with an Ex. You know that Ex that is ALWAYS single (for a reason). The girl who is so desperate to be engaged or married that she went ahead and got her preacher's license online. Or the guy that has "never found anyone as special as you since we broke up". Because THAT always works out well. It does make for an interesting Christmas day dinner when the inevitable knock down drag out fight occurs at the family dinner table for all to find out that you enjoy kinky sex shit. Never a dull moment.... 
But my all time favorite holiday scam has GOT to be Santa Claus. Who the fuck came up with this fat asshole. I mean think about this. You as the parents work 40 plus hours per week all year to put food on the table for your rugrats and then probably work OT during the holidays to pay for all of those annoying fucking toys and who gets credit for it? Some fat jolly dude in a horrible crushed red velvet suit who plays with midgets and farm animals. WTF? Do you tell your kids Santa Claus is paying for their college tuition? Because that's when the fuck I could use some assistance. Why do we continue this ridiculous tradition? Is it so bad for your kids to find out that YOU actually love and care enough about them to get them what they want for Christmas? And it isn't like it used to be in the old days where you used Santa Claus as the disciplinarian. Kids don't buy that shit anymore. I mean it is probably more plausible that Santa "sees you when you're sleeping" (which is a WHOLE other blog and so creepy that I can't go into it) and "knows when you're awake" in the advent of webcams and facetime and all, but come on... one quick email to Santa and shit is hooked up. I'm just pointing out the obvious here, you are setting your kids up for a lifetime of disappointment with them pinning their hopes on some old white guy to come through in a pinch... (I could use examples here, but I think you get the point... Mitt Romney). I say we change the tides and tell the truth for a change! Tell them that the factory in the North Pole was closed for computer upgrades, the elves went on a labor strike, the reindeer got mad cow disease and the shipping company went belly up and THAT's why Santa couldn't bring the little guy his new Wii U and why Mommy got a new Mercedes for Christmas! 
Merry Fucking Christmas to you all!!! 

The Answers

Common and Mos Def have a song called "The Questions", one of my favorites. Consider this my take on "The Questions" but the opposite. Get it? People often ask me, "Jennifer (because that's my name) what do you think is the answer to this question?". Not really, but I've always wanted to start a sentence that says "People often ask me". So thank you for allowing me to fulfill a fantasy for a brief moment. So, I often post my random thoughts on FB and well, much like those thoughts, these are questions that have either come up in conversation quite often, people have ACTUALLY asked me these questions quite often or I have overheard them (while being nosy) in other people's conversations. ;0)
Why do you think reality TV is so popular? Reality TV is popular for a few reasons. People love to see other people do and say stupid shit on TV. I don't know why this phenomenon exists, but it does. People also love to see that there are people more fucked up than they are. I guess watching ignorant, classless people get drunk and have one night stands with strangers makes some people feel better about their life choices. Who knew? The real irony here is that there really is no such thing as "reality TV". Everything is staged and scripted and rarely are there any true spontaneous moments. Sad, but true.
Why does so and so still have a career, or keep getting acting parts etc? I will tell you why. Because they are sleeping with someone really important. Or because stupid people keep supporting them by watching their movies, listening to their music or "liking" their FB page.
Why are LA Lakers fans, Boston Red Sox fans, Raiders fans and Philly fans in general so obnoxious? Good question, great answer. It's simple.They are made up of a legion of passive/aggressive haters who won't admit it. While I admit that the Lakers fans can at least celebrate some success, the balance of these teams have woefully wallowed in despair for a very long time. You can't really blame them for wanting to take things out on others. The LA fans really have no other excuse other than the fact that there really is nothing else to get excited about in LA. Next......
Why are men and women so different? Because women have vaginas and men have penises. DUH!!
And because men go through life viewing it as though leafing through a porn magazine, while women go through life trying to LOOK LIKE the women IN the porn magazine, secretly of course.
Why do people push the elevator button that is already lit? Uh, because the elevator fairies pay attention more if you ring more than once. And because most people are ridiculously stupid and impatient.
Why do people turn down the volume of their radio when looking for an address? Because everyone knows that when you lose one of your senses, the other ones become more heightened.
Why do people take so many pictures of themselves to post on Instagram? Say it with me....Because if I don't, who will?
Who writes those Ecards? I wonder this as well. At first I thought Louis Black, but then.....I think it's a collaborative effort. More research required.
Who did you vote for in the election? Duh, Jesse "the body" Ventura. He believes the government is slowly putting fluoride in our water which is THE main component in Prozac.(Just so nobody sues me for inaccuracy, this is completely incorrect) Add some bath salts to that water and Walking Dead here we come!
If I enjoy beating women, acting like an asshole, singing and dancing and getting lots of tattoos, do you think there is a career that is right for me? Why certainly! You can be a) an R&B superstar b) a professional football player, c) a professional basketball player, d) a Rap superstar or e) a member of the US government! If you elect to pursue the latter, probably better to hide your tattoos though.
Why are people so fascinated with Psy and his Gangnam Style? Because the Macarena has left the building.
Why is it so hard to win the Lottery? Um, because if you don't play you can't win. Sheesh.....
Why will Mitt Romney do now that he didn't win his bid for the Presidency? Duh, he is going to find another wife to put in the book. Sheesh...

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Answers....coming soon! And please, feel free to submit and burning questions you may have that I can answer for you!

I'm sorry.....

It takes a big person to admit they are wrong and a bigger person (damn those Krispy Kremes) to announce it to the world. But, I am a big enough person (in heart not size) to do BOTH. Contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect. Not that I ever claimed that I was, but you know how it is, you write a few spectacular blogs and right away people assume. ;0) I make mistakes, sometimes big ones, HUGE ones. In the past it's been extremely difficult to admit to when I had erred. And say "I'm sorry"?...Uh, never. I always felt like if someone got hurt by something I said or did, as long as hurting wasn't my intention, why should I apologize? And then it happened...you know, IT. Or more to the point, HIM. Sure when it came to my kids, if I made a mistake I was quick to tell them how sorry I was, they're my kids. But HIM was a different story. To actually love someone so much that I felt bad when he did....unthinkable. Corny, I know, but a true story none the less. If there is anyone that deserves and has certainly earned the right to hear the words "I'm sorry" from me, it is certainly HIM. In the years that have been our life together so far, I have fucked up, and fucked up big. I am an extremist, what can I say. It's go big or go home. But seriously, that saying, you only hurt the ones you love... couldn't be more true.Why is that? In my well meaning, sharing me feelings, being the new and improved me, I have fucked up royally along the way. Not to make this a total Martyrdom blog, he's done his fair share of fucking up as well, but he manages to make his amends in his own special way. Me, sometimes yes and sometimes no. I am stubborn (shocking, but true). I have a hard time seeing things in any other colors than black and white. Or a more accurate description would be MY way or the wrong way. It's a character flaw, but what are you going to do? No body's perfect. So this is my way of making amends. A public apology if you will. HE doesn't really care for PDA's. HE's more of a private, actions speak louder than words kind of HIM. Probably one of the things I love most about him and something that drives me crazy (not in the good way) about him as well. Now that I have finally found someone worth loving, I like to share it with everyone. HIM, not so much... Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.... Anyhow, I am sure this list could be much longer but it's a start. HE probably won't even read it, but at least I know it's here. So bare with me and endure some mushy love stuff for five minutes and Thank you for letting me share! 

I am sorry for not understanding that everyone has things that are just for them. It's a foreign concept to me, but I am learning. 

I am sorry for complaining about not having any pictures of us together. It's a sore point still, but I am working on it.

I am sorry for not always putting in my full effort when it comes to things (and people) that are important to you. Work in progress...

I am sorry for not always forgetting the past and then reminding you about it, repeatedly. :0( 

I am sorry for not always being the one person that should be there for you and instead letting my feelings over petty things get in the way. 

I am sorry that I cannot stand some of things that you like. (i.e., Lakers, etc.)

I am sorry for not understanding fully the concept that men are completely different in some aspects than women. I don't know if I am ever going to necessarily get over this one, but I am sorry that I'm not....

I am sorry for not remembering that everyone has a past....including me. 

I am sorry that despite my best efforts, there are just things I am not EVER going to understand or be okay with with. But I promise to not over analyze them and pick on you for them. 

I am sorry that you are so stubborn.... ;0)

I am sorry that I don't like Halloween as much as you do. 

I am sorry that I sometimes ADD to the drama instead of helping to lessen it. (I admit it...)

I am sorry for sometimes letting work stress spill over onto you. 

But the thing I am most truly sorry for, the thing that I wish I never had to apologize for because it never happened....I am sorry for one second of pain I have ever caused you. One second of hurt or anger or doubt because of my words or actions. For that,  I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. 

I love you, HIM. <3

Michael Jordan is the greatest...Period

I know, I know, many debates rage over the topic of "Who is the greatest basketball player of all time"? And I am going to tell you why it's Michael Jordan. You don't have to agree, but I'm right. Okay, rings aside, MVP's aside, and stats aside (What...no stats you say...WTF?) Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time, period. The easiest answer to the argument is that no matter who you are talking about, Kobe, Lebron, etc. they all ALWAYS get compared to who? That's right, Michael Jordan. You don't have to like him as a person, but you have to respect him as a player. If you're a fan of the game, and yes, I will even allow that there are Lakers fans who are actual fans of the game and can take of their We Love Kobe glasses for 5 minutes, the one thing that escapes people who make arguments to the contrary is that Michael Jordan changed the way the game is played. Kobe and Lebron emulate HIM. Maybe they can do it better and faster now, but it's because of Michael that they play the way they do. Sure, there are a lot of old school players who you can say changed the game as well, Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Russell, heck I'll even give some props to Magic Johnson. But, you cannot point to another single player who has influenced so many that came after him. From the fade-aways, to the tongue hanging out, everybody wanted to be "like Mike". For me personally, what makes Michael Jordan the greatest, is that he elevated the game of everyone around him. Who would have ever heard of Scottie Pippen, John Paxson, or  Bill Cartwright if it wasn't for Michael Jordan? He may have been an asshole about it, but he demanded the best from every one of his teammates because he demanded the same of himself. Why do all of the new players that come into the league want to wear #23? Why does Kobe want to win 6 championships? The answer is always the same. To equal, resemble or attempt to surpass the greatness of Michael Jordan. He is the bar setter. I am not lessening the accomplishments or skills of any of the talented players that have come after him. I am certainly not saying that there won't be players that may surpass his skill level, number of all star appearances, number of championship rings, or even number of MVP's. What I am saying is that there will never be another Michael Jordan. Period.The man took the NBA and the game of basketball to a level that has yet to be equaled. The game changed because of his talent. There are always going to be the Kobe lovers who will stand and tell you that Kobe is better. Does it better, faster and has almost as many championships. I am not saying that Kobe is not a good player, maybe even better at this age than Michael was, but he's not the greatest. Lebron? Sure, he's a good player, again, maybe even better than Michael at his age, but he has a long way to go to even be mentioned in the same breath. And it's not because he hasn't won as many championships or even because he hasn't been around as long, it's because he doesn't have it. What is it? It is the thing that makes Michael the greatest. The ability to make others want to play better, the ability to lift the game to a whole other level, the ability to do what needs to be done in order to win. It doesn't make him a better or even nicer person, it just makes him the greatest player ever. You can argue from here until the next conversation on ESPN erupts about the topic, but it won't matter, Michael Jordan is the greatest. The mere fact that every "hater" of Michael Jordan still compares their favorite player to him is proof enough that he's the greatest. I don't hear anyone comparing people in the league to Kobe or Lebron or anyone else. Maybe their time will come, but even then, they won't be the greatest of all time. And it's time to admit that if you don't now, you have in past owned a number 23 jersey, worn a pair of air Jordan's or cheered for the Tarheels or Bulls. Admit it, deep down, you know he's the greatest. So, instead of hating on or comparing to Michael, Kobe and the like should do what is owed, what is required, just say "Thank You" and move on.
Besides who else could hold their own co-starring with Bugs and Daffy?

What's my status?

As I begin to write this particular blog, I know that I am going to be judged. People are going to project their personal feelings onto my status blog. Well you know what? Whatever, I don't care. Judge away Judgie McJudgersons! 

So, what IS my status? What does this status even refer to? I am talking about my Facebook status? Here are the choices for Facebook statuses. I have taken the liberty of demystifying them so that you all know what the statuses actually mean. 
Single: Self explanatory. With the asterisk being that there are some crazy ass people that are actually in a relationship that change this status at the end of every fight with their significant other. And also cheating men. 
In a Relationship: This status can be misleading. It could be one date and the stalker to be is already committed you to a life time of restraining orders. This could also mean you want to seem more attractive to certain crazies and therefore it is a smoke screen. Or it could mean that you are actually in a relationship with a real live human being. 
Engaged: Another misleading status. I think the misconception here is that you ACTUALLY have to be asked by someone to marry them. It's not a wishful thinking kind of a status. Asterisk-it does not qualify as a synonym for busy. 
Married: Legally entangled with a real live human being. Asterisk-you will note that FB does not allow for part time married, married for legal reasons, not sure if the baby is mine married or married for tax reasons. 
It's Complicated: (My personal favorite) This is code for I am not certain how the other person I obsess over feels about me.  It can also be code for, I have multiple love interests and don't want to piss any of them off.  Another potential code is I am currently stalking a celebrity and not sure if they even know I exist, yet. And last, but certainly not least, I am awaiting termination of the temporary restraining order against me and will update my status to "In a Relationship" as soon as it is. 
In an Open Relationship: This one, I have to admit, confuses me. I mean it's so honest and up front, it doesn't seem to belong in the FB universe. This one, I have to say, if you have the proverbial testicular fortitude to display, it probably literally and accurately reflects your status. 
Widowed: This is used for the obvious status of "I got dumped and wish the other person was dead". Or it could really mean your significant other has passed. 
Separated: Ah, another favorite. My significant other and I just broke up five minutes ago and I am not sure if we are going to get back together or not and I still want to have a booty call so I'm not changing my status to Single just yet. 
Divorced: Female definition: I am an over 40 year old cougar and think that this status will turn on men under 30 because it means I'm experienced. Male Definition: I am over 40 and recently divorced and want to attract a 20 year old who thinks because I can afford a divorce I must have money to spend on her. 
In a Civil Union: I honestly have no idea why you would put this as your status other than you live in a state that discriminates against your sexual orientation and I think you should take a stand and say FUCK YOU and put that you're married. That's just my opinion though.... 
In a Domestic Partnership:  Don't lie, you automatically assume gay here. BUT...there are many definitions (and I'm not just saying that because it happens to be MY personal status). Co-habitation of two people could be reflected in this particular status. Again, you live in a state that discriminates against your sexual orientation. Asterisk-You don't want your internet boyfriend/girlfriend to know you are actually married, so you put this status instead. And a remote possibility, the IRS is searching your "social media profile" and you don't want to tip your hand about your exemptions. (Oh yeah, it's true)

Now in the "real world" and not FBland as I like to call it, these statuses are useless. They are about as useful at telling you what the actual situation is as having Red Sox tickets in October is. So in the real world when someone asks you what your status is, what should you say? What does it refer to? 

I find it odd that in today's day and age, it really is one of the first questions people ask you, male or female, when they meet you. Like this so called "status" defines who you are. Does it? Was the single (truly single, not FB single) you different than the married you? Do you answer questions differently now that you are divorced than when you were married? I guess it depends on the questions. 
For me personally,  I have a significant other, and I call him a significant other because I feel like I am too old to have a boyfriend. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. This is just a personal thing really. But that really doesn't tell you who am I as a person. I mean, yes, you know that I am committed to someone, but not where I live, what I do for a living or how I vote. It would seem to me the question is a set up for judgement. Because I am a certain age and am in a domestic partnership and not married, people will assume that means something. When really, it means that I am a certain age and in a domestic partnership. I guess the point here is that why should we continue to place one more label for people to make incorrect assumptions and judgments about who we really are? Don't get me wrong, I get the comfort and security of having a label to describe the domestic bliss that you may be a part of. But does it need to be out front of everything else that defines who you are? Weren't you a solitary, independent you before you were part of a "coupling"? I mean why is there pity or disappointment in someone's eyes when they proclaim that they are single or unattached?  Having been in some kind of a relationship for the majority of my life, I can understand the constraints of constantly being associated with another person, good or bad. For some reason people assume that once you are a couple your brain functions in rhythm with your partner. You MUST be interested in the same things. Got news for you, being different is probably what attracted me to this person to begin with. Why would I want to adopt their views just for the sake of our couple status? 
At the end of the day, people are still going to judge you by your status. They are going to make assumptions about what your status says about you. But you know what? Fuck 'em. Let them assume all they want. You keep them guessing and make up your own status. (Which is another thing that pisses me off about FB. Why no free form status available?) From now on my status is going to be Mind Your Own Fucking Business. Or on a good day, Fuck You, Have a Nice Day!  

If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask.....

Is it just Americans that feel the need to comment or have an opinion on everything or is it human nature? Seriously, why the fuck do people feel compelled to tell you what they think or how they feel....UNSOLICITED. You are wondering right now how I, creator of such thoughtful, wise and meaningful opinions, can have the audacity to criticize. And I will tell you. My opinions, while in theory may be unsolicited, are a choice because people CHOOSE to read my blog. I don't force it upon them. Unsolicited opinions that fly out of peoples mouths everyday, ah, those are different stories. Let me provide you with some examples. I color my hair. Pretty much everyone that reads this blog knows that I color my hair red. At different times it has been different shades of red. My hair is naturally curly. I can straighten it with the assistance of modern technology. I wear it curly, I wear it straight, my choice. Why the fuck would people feel the need to come and tell which hair color and/or style they think looks better? Do I give a fuck? Are you my fucking stylist? If I gave a shit about what you thought, you'd know by now. Or have you ever been in a clothing store and a complete stranger comes up and tells you that they don't like the way something looks on you? Or vice versa, that they think it looks good? Or how about the dumb fucker that approaches you to advise what is a wise shopping choice and what is not? It takes all my energy not to punch these people in the fucking face. Didn't their Mom teach them that they shouldn't speak unless spoken to? WTF? People give opinions on how to raise your child, what kind of food to eat, what type of car to drive, what school to go to. When the fuck did being a part of the human race entitle you to infringe upon my personal space? Your rights end where mine BEGIN fucker. This epidemic needs to be stopped I tell you. My proposal? Cattle prods. From now on when someone provides an unsolicited opinion, you get to shock them with a cattle prod.Although this may seem cruel and unusual, AT FIRST, but it really is the best solution. Plus, you would get to carry a cattle prod...added bonus. 
But seriously, a compliment is one thing, but these unsolicited opinions have got to stop. And just because some people couple them with "friendly" advice, does NOT make them any less unsolicited. When my kids were little people would come over all of the time and tell me why my kid was doing what they were doing. Oh, he's crying because he's hungry, you can tell. She's drooling because she's teething. Thank you Captain Fucking Obvious. Now mind your own fucking business and while you're at it stop eating McDonald's and jump on a treadmill every once in a while. Now see if I had said that, I would have been the asshole. But what's the difference? I want to believe at the end of the day stupid people such as these truly believe that they are adding value in some way. However, when you look at it from the perspective of, how fucking arrogant are you to think that I want or need to hear what the fuck comes out of your mouth every second of the day, they really aren't. 
I would get T-Shirts made up that say "Before you open mouth ask yourself if anyone gives a fuck" but I am too lazy. 

So, if you are guilty of these unsolicited opinions, you better stop because I have my cattle prod charged and ready. 

That F'n Fruit Company......

In the travels of my professional life (that makes me laugh) I have had the misfortune, er, I mean fortune of working with that fruit company. For legal reasons, they shall remain anonymous, but you all know of whom I speak. At first, like most people would have been, I was excited at the opportunity to work with these innovators, these trailblazers in their respective field, and let's be honest, I thought I would end up getting a hook up as well. But alas, no hook up, no inciting of my creative juices only an inside look into what I have to call the largest, most profitable cult in the history of the world. If these people could turn themselves into said fruit, they would. They eat, live, sleep and breathe their company. I am all for being passionate about what you do, but there are limits. Yes, it's cool that they can pretty much come to work in their pajamas (seriously, I saw two people in "lounger" pants, one in yoga pants and unfortunately one chick who had no business wearing the Daisy Dukes she was sporting) and sure it's cool that they get to work with cutting edge technology, and sure their AWESOME (subsidized) cafeteria puts Hollywood catering to shame but at what cost I ask? Where are their boundaries? It's your job, not a way of life people! There are other companies, other hobbies, other people on the planet. To say these people have an elitist attitude is putting it mildly. They truly believe that they are making the world a better place. Hmmm....they don't develop cutting edge medical technology, they aren't developing a cure for cancer (just ask their dearly departed former cult leader), and they aren't inventing a car that doesn't use gas that costs a million dollars a gallon (can you believe that shit?). What they are doing, is creating a lazier, more reliant on technology, two steps away from the Matrix kind of society. It's not that I don't appreciate the products they produce. My significant other (THAT is another blog) practically has the fruit company's store front right there in our living room. It's just that having to deal with them on a professional level (ha, ha...I can't help myself) is so ridiculous that I can't even describe my misery when I am forced to do so.Let me provide some examples.....I myself, have to carry a Blueberry for work. As you know, the Blueberry is NOT an accepted fruit of the fruit company, they despise Blueberries. I was forced to conceal my Blueberry while in the other fruit company's building. Really? Isn't competition what makes America so great? For those of you who don't know what I do, don't worry, I'm not going to tell you now. But, I will tell you that the general focus of most of my clients is saving money. Saving money on how much they pay out to their employees. The fruit company's focus? Are our employees happy? While in theory, that is a noble concept these people are fanatical about it. The little guy getting consideration from the "man" is all well and good but these people take it to the extreme. They want to ensure that their employees get a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon kind of feel when they get treated for their work related injury. Um....not so much. Most employers are happy to know that the doctors in the clinic where their employees are getting treated all have valid medical licenses.
Maybe the problem is that I wish MY company was more like that. Maybe I wish that my colleagues were prompted to strive for perfection in everything that they did and demand the same of every vendor partner we have. I don't really think that's it, I think that it's just that they are a pain in the ass that focuses on whether or not we put a comma in the right place in the letters that go to their employees. I shit you not.
In my most recent visit to the main "campus", which by the way is set up EXACTLY like a college campus would be, the spot where they memorialized (literally the memorial was there which really kind of grossed me out that there was a dead body in the place where I was getting ready to purchase my lunch) their departed cult leader was pointed out to me. It was a grassy place where people can "stop by and reflect on what a great man he was" (I didn't make that up, that is EXACTLY what they said to me). I think the only man I would stop by and reflect on is Derek Jeter and it sure as fuck better be while he's still alive. Just saying. 
While I get that being the best has its perks and advantages, I also think that (and don't criticize here) that with great power comes great responsibility (thank you Uncle Ben). I think the fruit company has forgotten that while their commitment to excellence to their customer base is great, their vendor partners and people that have to DEAL with them also comprise that customer base. There really is no such way as "the fruit company's way", it's just a mantra to get college graduates excited about a job that you've convinced them will change the planet. I could go on and tell you stories about how their interview process is 10 steps long and that they don't really have job descriptions (because that's too limiting), or that there was a team within the company that spent 34 weeks (I swear to you I am not fucking around) on a TAB to remove a plastic cover to ensure that it met the cult leader's approval, but that would take up too much time. Just remember that the next time you fruit company fanatics purchase more and more products to make them a global powerhouse worth more than the USA's GNP, don't say that I didn't warn you. And whatever you do, don't injure one of their damn employees, the ramifications of this make my life HELL! 

If I ruled the world.....

With all of these lunatics running around shouting about the end of the world (only 4 months 13 days until D-Day) it got me wondering how different the world would be if we had one person to run it. One very charismatic, intelligent, super hot, wise person.....ME! I know you're thinking that the world would then be subject to my mood swings, my harsh criticism and unwillingness to put up with any bullshit. But that's what makes it SOOO fun! So, if I ruled the world, here's how things would go....(and don't go expecting any Martin Luther King, Jr, JFK, Ghandi save the world kind of ideals either)

If I ruled the world, you would have to pass a test before you could have a child. I just don't mean women, I mean EVERYONE. Implanted at birth would be a device that prohibits pro-creation. Until you can pass a three part test that includes written, verbal and psychological, no kids for you. Harsh you say? Look around at the people that you know that have kids. I rest my case. 

If I ruled the world, professional athletes would make the same salary as teachers. Now that could go two ways. Either we would pay teachers the pay they finally deserve or we would pay athletes the pay they finally deserve. Either way, win-win. 

If I ruled the world, we would have toilet seats that automatically returned to their correct position (it's DOWN by the way) and were self cleaning. 

If I ruled the world, reality TV would be banned. Enough said.

If I ruled the world, George Carlin would be a national hero and have his own holiday. If you don't know who George Carlin is, just stop reading my blog now. 

If I ruled the world, the new world anthem would be written by a collaboration of Eminem, Lionel Ritchie, and Billy Corrigan. It would be the best EVER! 

If I ruled the world, the Olympics would be an intelligence event, not an athletic one. Let's see who dominates now??!! 
If I ruled the world, after you pushed the elevator button once a little electric shock would be given if you pushed it again after it was lit. 
If I ruled the world, there would be a channel that ran nothing but the Godfather Trilogy all day everyday. (In HD of course)
If I ruled the world, we would have flying cars by now. Priorities, priorities.....
If I ruled the world, everyone would get a "do over" like when you were little. If you die, you get ONE do over. 
If I ruled the world, Dan Marino would get one more shot to win the Super Bowl so that the argument of who the best QB ever is can be put to rest because he will have a ring. Yeah, I said it.
If I ruled the world, anyone could marry anyone they wanted, and be just as miserable as everyone else in the world. 
Alright, these are just a few of my agenda items for when I rule the world. I mean, it's not like I can't think of more, but there are only so many hours in a day. Just remember that when I take over the world, you heard it hear first....so you're not surprised!! 

REAL LIFE......

Unfortunately another moment of brevity is required here in my small space of humor. Considering events of the past couple of weeks, I have been moved to speak my mind. Shocking as that may be, it must be done. I cannot even imagine the horror and sorrow the people in Aurora, Colorado are feeling at this moment. I can't pretend to understand it and I can't pretend to know what it feels like. What I did do, was listen to Barack Obama (fuck your political beliefs at this time people) recount a story that moved me to tears. The story was about two best friends, 19 years old and 21 years old who went to see a movie on a Friday night. The story ends with one friend helping another friend during what I can only imagine to be the most horrifying experience of their lives, survive. Both of them survived. And while this story had a happy ending, the only thing that ran through my mind was my son is 20 and my daughter is 18. It could have been them. I won't go into my feelings on guns in America, or what makes crazy and deranged people do the things they do. I will however say the following: What the FUCK is wrong with America? Do you know how many times I have heard people say that they felt sorry for Christopher Nolan and the cast of Batman? How sad it is that their movie will be forever tainted with this tragedy? Are you fucking kidding me? Who the fuck cares about the overpaid pieces of shit who made yet ANOTHER useless fucking movie about a comic book? Yes, I went to see the movie and regardless of what I thought about it, I sure as fuck do not feel sorry for one single person associated with the making of this movie. They do not need your sympathy. They will take your money that you spent at the box office and be just fine thank you very much. While I realize in no way are the actions of a lunatic the fault of the movie or in any way are the people that made the movie to blame, but come on. It's sad that this movie will forever have a stigma attached? How about the sadness of the parents of the six year old little girl that is dead? Let's get it right America, for once. Fuck the media and the callous pieces of shit that didn't even bother to post the names of the victims, but sure as fuck made sure their reviews of the movie were posted on time. It makes me sad to think that in today's time the public is still so enamored with Hollywood that the souls of real life people are easily forgotten and discarded. And the arrogance of Americans to act as if they are the only country where tragedy strikes.

But why should I be surprised when I awoke another morning to hear the country breathlessly awaiting the punishment that would befall Penn State. Again, what a tragedy that is for the university. A tragedy? Really? The tragedy is that the victims of this crime have to LIVE with what was done to them for the rest of their lives. The tragedy is that Americans paid more attention to the punishment that was handed down that morning than they did to the outcome of the trial for the CONVICTED child molester that perpetrated these heinous crimes. Who the fuck cares about the statue of an old man who coached football. He didn't fucking cure cancer, he didn't save lives and sure as fuck didn't help children. Football is a game. It is not a life saving technique taught to young men in college. Just because you haven't figured out how to generate any other income aside from what the ridiculous TV networks pay you to air these games does not mean participants are above reproach. If your institution is really about learning, learn another way to earn income aside from football. I don't feel sorry for you Penn State. I feel sorry for the victims of the crimes that trusted you to protect them. I feel sorry for the parents of the children that have to find a way to help their children cope with this tragedy for the rest of their lives. What I feel for Penn State and the media is pity and contempt. I pity their stupidity, their lack of human decency and I pity their plain just fucking ignorance of the problems that exist and their inability to be part of the solution.

These are only two examples of what is wrong with people today, with what is lacking from our social consciousness

 It's a sad day to call myself an American when the top headlines are still how much money Batman made and what punishment was doled out by the NCAA for the pieces of shit at Penn State. 

These are a few of my favorite things....NOT!!!

I know it may be hard to believe, but from time to time, I like to bitch! Just for the heck of it. Maybe it's because it was Friday the 13th or maybe it's because it's so fucking hot. Or maybe it's just BECAUSE! If you don't want to hear any "negative" right now, then keep it moving...this is MY time and I am going to be as bitchy and negative as I want! 


My name is Jennifer. It is not Jen, Jenny, J or any version thereof. I do not introduce myself as anything other than Jennifer. I have known you for five seconds, don't be so fucking lazy, use my entire name the way my Momma and Daddy intended!
Just because you may know people that I know does NOT mean we are besties. I don't know you. Don't lean over and whisper shit in my ear. Don't share intimate details of your life with me. If I want to know, I will ask. It's probably because I just don't give a fuck.
Why oh why Californians, specifically (not pacifically) Angelenos, do you slam on your brakes for one fucking rain drop? It's not a tornado, it's not a tsunami, it's a fucking rain drop. Where I am from, rain drops are the size of grapefruits. This is the time to PULL THE FUCK OVER and wait for the storm to pass, not slam on your brakes.
If I don't call you back the first time, it's probably for one of two reasons, I forgot because you are NOT related to me or I am not sleeping with you OR I just don't like you. Get over it. Don't keep calling or mad dialing me to see if I will pick up, I won't. Truth be told, I prefer texting anyways!
If I didn't ask how you are, don't tell me. I don't give a fuck.
It is NEVER okay for you to assume that I will agree with you. Even if you are related to me, do NOT represent me with your opinion. Ask me first.
Please, please, please for the sake of mankind and the universe. TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILD/REN! It is not any one's job but your own to discipline, raise or even like your kid. People have kids of their own to mess up, thank you very much.
If you are the "ex" KNOW YOUR ROLE. Know that you are no longer the woman/man of the house where your ex lives. Know that you are the ex for a reason. Know that no matter how you may feel about your ex's new person, it's NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
I am just going to come and say this. If you are over the age of 18 you should NOT be reading the Twilight sagas. You should NOT be watching those movies. You should NOT be listening to Justin Bieber music or Selena Gomez music. Katy Perry is borderline. *There is an exemption for people that have children that fall into the appropriate age category
It is NEVER okay for you to ask me if you can touch me in any way shape or form if I don't know you. You cannot touch my hair, you cannot pull my hair. This is not negotiable. 
It is not okay for you to comment on the color or the length of my hair. If I wanted your opinion I would ask for it. I didn't, so I don't, so keep your comments to yourself. 
I know it may seem like it, due to my overwhelming intelligence and sensitive and kind nature, however I am not a therapist. If I just met you on an airplane, do NOT tell me all of your problems. I cannot solve them. 
And for all that is sacred in the universe, stop taking casual Fridays to a whole new level. We are still at work for pete's sake. Put some fucking clothes on. I don't want to see your daisy dukes or your beer gut. The shirt you wore during your college years is NOT WORK APPROPRIATE! And for fuck's sake, you're a grown ass woman, stop wearing Juicy across your ass to work, not OKAY! 
And for fuck's sake, if you don't know what you want to order at a food truck GET THE FUCK OUT OF LINE! 


Do you feel better? I know I do. You should all try this exercise at least once a month. Get the "bitchies" out!! 

Thank you Anderson Cooper

Astonishingly my sense of humor does pause for a moment in order for me to be a serious member of society and not so much of a smart ass. While these times may not be the most fun (there is no such word as funnest, dumb asses!) they do allow me a moment of brevity to reflect on things I hold near and dear to my heart. 

So, my letter to Anderson Cooper. 

Dear Anderson Cooper, 

I think you are the hottest man I have ever seen in my life, oh wait, different letter.... 

Dear Anderson Cooper, 

Thank you for being so open and honest with a public that doesn't deserve it. Thank you for having the courage to be heard without making a scene out of it, a fool of yourself or embarrassing your friends and loved ones by getting caught in some "scandal" that  forces you to make admissions you didn't want to or weren't ready to. Thank you for being an openly gay man without wearing a rainbow flag. Thank you for reminding this oft judgmental society of ours that there is such thing as class and dignity in the field of journalism regardless of ethnic background, gender or sexual preference. Thank you for sending an email to a friend that was so casually written yet elegantly crafted, that it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for reminding all of the right wing fanatics, religious zealots and down right ignorant folk that homosexuality is not a disease, a handicap or a "scarlet letter" for society to publicly ridicule. Thank you for putting a face on homosexuality that doesn't come with an agenda. Let's face it you probably have more money than Bill Gates (just kidding Bill) and don't really give a shit whether or not people like you. Thank you for years of unbiased reporting and enduring what probably surmounted to hours of gay bashing bullshit that you didn't have to endure. Thank you for acknowledging the struggle that homosexuals in our society face on a daily basis and not belittling their cause. Thank you for sharing a brief glimpse into your personal life only to make you more human and lovable than you already are. Thank you for educating people into the fact that your choice to remain silent had personal and professional reasons behind it and that not everyone is in the same place as you are to make those types of choices and doing it without judgement. Thank you for acknowledging that without a voice like yours that is willing to be heard and counted, change would not only be delayed but even more difficult a path than it already is. Thank you for telling the world what a wonderful thing love is for EVERYONE. Gay, straight or whatever, it doesn't matter, we are all human beings with a basic desire to love and be loved. Thank you Anderson Cooper for being a man with honor, dignity, pride, class, and compassion that I am proud to have had the privilege of being witness to a brilliant career.  And last but not least, thanks for being the hottest man EVER to report the news. Makes it so much more interesting. ;0) 

And to the rest of my friends (who I count many) who happen to be gay, whether openly or not, I am proud to call you Friend. Not gay friend, homosexual friend or anything other than Friend! Love you all! 

SH** people say....Alternatively titled...WTF?

Do you ever hear stupid sayings that people say and wonder why the fuck they say them? We all speak in idioms and colloquialisms (big word, huh?) without having any idea of their origins or how they came to be or why people decided to start using them in the first place. For example, if you are having second thoughts about something, you are said to have cold feet. What makes me laugh like a hyena is that when I tried to google that shit to see why people say it, nobody fucking knows! So we are all going around like a bunch of assholes saying we got cold feet and it really doesn't mean a fucking thing. It's just like people who use the word irregardless. It means the same fucking thing as regardless. Why did one day some jackass decide to put two extra letters in front of it? You know it was probably some dude trying to impress a chick. (see prior blog....Men are "Special"). There are words and phrases that seem to be identified based on different ethnic groups and different regions of the country as well. Since when does anyone "Aks" you a question? Pretty sure we ask. And you are trying to be SPECIFIC, not Pacific. That's an ocean not a request. If you want a carbonated beverage generally referred to as soda everywhere else, in the midwest, it's pop. Why pop? I don't know, because corn farmers have nothing to do all day but listen to the pop it makes when they open the can? Why is it that people from the south make contractions out of everything? Y'all, ain't, I'ma  and the list goes on. I mean I know it's generally hot and tiresome in the South, but come on, you don't have to be that lazy. Why do white people assume that just by adding a vowel to the end of a word, it automatically becomes Spanish? Yes, while there are words that end in vowels in Spanish, bringo meo thato, are not any of them. And on a side note, why do people speak louder and more slowly when people don't understand the language they are speaking. They don't fucking understand, saying it like a loud, mentally challenged person, does not a translation make. And on the subject of latin people, why do they add an E to the beginning of every word that starts with an S? ESteve, estop, esit. These are not English words. And while I may now be showing my age...tsk tsk. I have to say that I don't understand half the shit that comes out of people under the age of 21 mouths anymore. What the fuck are all these acronyms? OMG, WTF, ROTFL, LMFAO. We have seriously raised a bunch of lazy fucking kids. They can't even speak in complete sentences anymore. And don't even get me started on their spelling skills. U is not the correct spelling of You. R is not the correct spelling of are. And what are these other words and phrases. That shit cray. Is that crazy? Is that a mixed gray color? Are you doing arts and crafts? What the fuck are you trying to say? I suppose my parents could have said the same thing. But at least I spoke comprehensible English. The bottom line is that in today's day and age I am still shocked by some of the shit that comes out of peoples mouths. At the end of the day, I just want communication to be clear and concise.  Is that too much to ask? I don't want you to "analogize" your experience, say it a different language, shorten a word or phrase or try and make it cool. Say what the fuck you need to say and keep it moving. Amen!

Is judging really wrong?

Let's get one thing straight. EVERYONE at one time or another has been a Judgy McJudgerson. Maybe it was about something as benign as a hairdo, but you do it. You looked, you saw, you judged. As a member of the female clan of this world, I can tell you that nobody judges better, more often and more harshly than females. And woo hoo, especially when it comes to another female. All you females out there shaking your head and saying "not me", I call bullshit on you. Here's the thing....if you are not hurting anyone, is it necessarily a bad thing? And by not hurting someone I mean, you are not blatantly calling someone out in public about something you have judged them on. I am talking about out with your girls, in a group, laughing in private judging. Is that so wrong? Does that really make us insecure women? Seriously, if I see some chick out in public in her pajamas, I'm sorry I am going to judge. How much effort does it take to put on some real pants? Yoga pants for goodness sake qualify. Does this make me secretly wish I could wear pajamas in public? Fuck no it doesn't. It means I am laughing my ass off at the fact that some dummy thought it was okay to wear her shit in public and look like a fool. Now I know there are some of you saying, what does it matter? Who is she hurting? Why do you have to judge? Shit, because it's a source of entertainment in this otherwise un-entertaining world that we live in. Look I am not posting this chick's picture on Facebook (which is still ruining your life by the way). I am not yelling at her from across the street to go home and change. I am just making a comment to one of my girls or my man. Is that so wrong? I can tell you that men have a TOTALLY different idea about judging. I know from personal experience that some men(yes baby I am talking about you) have no patience for it. He will just look at me and say why are you paying attention to some stupid chick when you should be paying attention to me? Good point. But sometimes, my ADD gets the best of me. But men, don't act like you don't judge as well. Maybe a totally different scale, but you do. How many arm chair QB's and couch potato aspiring Sportswriters are there? Yes, that is called judging. Whether or not you think the Lakers should get rid of Pao Gasol because he is too "soft". That is judging. Who's in the NBA? You or Pao? Thank you. I know we all know that one chick (which I am sure isn't ANY of you) that constantly has something to say about everyone. And by constantly, I mean negatively. That shit is not cool. And that is exactly the type of behavior that has given us other judgers a bad rap. I am all for freedom of speech, freedom of choice and all of that. But if you are going to say something, wear something or do something that makes me want to point and laugh, then you can bet your ass I am going to do it. Does this make me a judger? If you think so, then so be it. I personally feel that fashion faux pas should be exempt from being categorized as judging. If someone doesn't want to look in the mirror before they leave home, why should I have to suffer in silence? Look, everyone is already walking on egg shells of political correctness these days, even me. (two blogs in draft mode with titles that are already so politically incorrect I am hesitant to finish) The biggest evidence of judging obviously comes in the form of celebrities. Everyone always has something to say about celebrities. But shit, they get hazard pay for that, so I don't feel sorry for them at all. For ordinary folks, sometimes life just happens and there is someone there to see it and judge it. All I am saying is that some harmless chicken clucking in the company of friends does not a compulsive judger make. I am not above reproach. I have bad hair days, bad wardrobe days and I have made my fair share of late night trips in boxer shorts and slippers. Do I deserve to be judged? FUCK YES!! At the end of the day, here is this crazy woman's opinion and advice when it comes to judging. When has judging gone too far? When you are hurting someone else's feelings. When it is all consuming and you can't say a good word about anyone. My advice? Remember your audience before you open your mouth. Remember you may be the role model for a future judger of tomorrow and lastly remember that karma is a bitch and you can bet your ass she has judged you long before you even started.

Women are crazy.....Men are "special"

If you are a woman and you don't think that there has been at least 25% of your life dedicated to being crazy, you are deranged, and please stop reading my blog. If you are a man, and you believe that by calling you "special" I was referring to a term of endearment, well then you have just proved my point. I have never been a fan of the whole men are from mars, women are from venus theory, but I do believe there are distinct differences that make women crazy and men special. You will notice I removed the quotations from special now, it's not of any note, I just got tired of hitting the shift button. So, you may be saying to yourself, I am a woman, and I don't think I'm crazy. Let me tell you why you are. If you have ever had the following thought process in your mind and thought it was perfectly rational, you are crazy. Scenario #1:Your significant other male couterpart has just committed an aggregious offense against you (probably something as serious as not noticing your new hairstyle) and in YOUR mind, you believe that the best remedy for this is to not say anything. You just stew in silence. You secretly hope that he will figure it out and apologize for being an insensitive oaf and profess his undying love for you and your goddess like beauty. And the conversation goes like this-  Him: What's wrong with you? You: Nothing. Yep, you are crazy. Scenario #2: He comes home from work and you ask how his day went. He says "Fine". In your mind you try and decipher what fine means. Does it mean he is miserable and didn't want to come home to me? Does it mean he is having an affair with someone at the office? In reality he meant his day was FINE. Men, stop nodding in agreement and realize that you truly are special. I say this not dripping with admiration, but with sarcasm. Don't think you fall into the special man category? You do. Here's why. Because at one time in your life you found a shirt or pair of pants you liked and you bought five of them, in five different colors. For every day of the week, right? Special. You have broken up with a woman via text message or by changing your status on Facebook. Special. You truly believe that there is a possibility that there are real superheroes, aliens (with light sabres) and vampires. Special. You believe that by wearing that one jersey and drinking only half of your drink with exactly 10 seconds remaining will somehow will your team into winning a game. Special. For women things are complicated. For men things are simple. For women a conference call or mass text message is required when to decide whether or not she likes a man. For men, she breathes, she's good enough! I envy men, I do. I wish I could answer almost every question with a grunt or a nod. I wish that when I saw my female friends a chest bump or weird handshake from junior high would suffice as a greeting in lieu of a kiss and a recounting of my entire relationship thus far. Men like porn-special. Women like picking apart and judging any woman who is more attractive than they are-crazy. Women will hold a grudge against another woman for something that happened in high school-crazy. Men can't remember their anniversary date-special. A woman will Facebook stalk an ex for months-crazy. A man will forget to "unfriend" his Ex and add his new girlfriend while still having posted pictures of the stalker ex-special.
I admit I fall somewhere in the middle- half crazy, half special, really depends on the day.  I am amazed that relationships last longer than a week in our society. I can empathize with both sides of this issue. Women, I understand the reason for the craziness, the specialness of the men drives you to it. And men, the ability to continue with the specialness and somehow handle the craziness is really a gift. At the end of the day, true love prevails when both sides learn to accept each other for what they truly are, a crazy woman and a special man. Chris Rock said it best, "You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can't just love the white part of the bread." What a special man he is!

Random Observations about life's little mysteries.....

On occasion I have posted "random thoughts" on my FB page, (the one that is ruining my life) and realized that really, the limited amount of space those stingy bastards give you to post your "status" isn't sufficient.  There are mind blowing observations to make and burning questions that people want answers to. Alas, I don't have the answers, but the questions are pretty fucking good. Truly, this particular rant, I mean blog, could go on for years listing all of the mysteries of the life but since I have a limited amount of time and space, these at the forefront of my mind will have to do. Buckle up and be ready to be bewildered.

Why do people push the elevator button after it's already lit? Do they think that the elevator has a tally and the more pushes the faster it comes? Why do people turn down the radio when they are looking for an address? Does the auditory part of your brain take over the directional part and listening and thinking are just way too much of an overload? WTF? Why is that when people say the "N" word it's so much more offensive then let's say when a person says honkey or cracker or any other racial slur. When did the "N" word become the tantamount of all racial slurs and who decided this? Was there a voting at the rainbow coalition meeting? If there was, I don't think my color of the rainbow had a any kind of representation. Why do some people refer to themselves as such and such/American? Shouldn't the American come first? I mean if you're a citizen and you're reaping the benefits of being a citizen, shouldn't that come before wherever your ancestors are from? Why is it that people have bumper stickers asking people to save children in far away lands, when we have plenty of them being abused and neglected right here in the USA? Why is it that when an animal is tortured or killed in a movie people are horrified, but when a person is mutilated, nobody flinches? Sometimes, they even cheer? Why is it called "reality" tv if it isn't really real 100% of the time. Should it be called kind of reality, but not really tv? And when did people who are willing to disgrace and embarrass themselves on TV for either money or fame or sometimes both become "celebrities"? Why is the Toys R Us "R" backwards? Are they marketing to the dyslexic kids? And if they are, shouldn't they be carrying Nek and Eibarb? Where are those toys? Why is that people at work always want to have a potluck? Don't they have enough food at home? Do they really want to share their culinary skills with their co-workers? And, why is there always that one person that takes a plate home? Again, do you not have enough food at home so you need to take some of everyone else's store bought chicken? Why do people go out to dinner to eat the same food they cook at home? For example if you're Italian, why go out for Italian food? Are you comparison shopping? Why do people that prefer to live in trailers also happen to pick places where tornadoes hit? Haven't they read that book? Don't they know how the story ends? Why do airlines still leave out row 13 from planes? Do we really want to trust our fate during a flight to people who are THAT superstitious? Are they cancelling all flights on 12/21/12 also? Why is it when something goes bad we ask someone else to smell it? Do we need affirmation that we have just smelled the grossest thing ever? Why do we have the most state of the art technology to find our missing electronics, but kids still get kidnapped? Shouldn't we be implanting chips into those little fuckers from birth? If we are late to something and haven't even left the house yet why do we lie and people and say we are on our way? Who are we fooling? Don't we realize people are going to notice it took us THAT much longer to get there?
As previously indicated, this could go on and on.....but reality beckons, so that is it for this edition of Random Observations. Stay tuned for part 2.......I am sure you are breathless! 

I'm a fan.....sort of

Around this time of year, I am amazed at how high "fan" loyalty is. I say around this time of the year because with the exception of the NFL and MLB, all other major professional sports are in their playoff phase. It always seem like there are more car flags, house flags and hats that come out this time of year. Read on to find out what a real FAN is. I felt it was my civic duty to educate the "general" (non fanatical sports people) population about the levels of dedication that exist in the sports world.
For those of you who don't know, the word Fan, comes from the word Fanatic. As in lunatic, die hard, acting stupid for stupid reasons kind of lunatic. Wait, that makes it sound bad. You have to admire the people that are willing to brave extreme weather, extreme criticism and alas, extreme stupidity all in the name of fanaticism. A definite shout out to all who over utilize the grease paint every home game, to those who brave rivals stadiums under the threat of physical harm and lastly those overweight, genetically cursed, hairy bastards that go shirtless at every venue.  I could tell you "fan" stories about a Green Bay woman that at 86 years old let her grown daughter drive herself to the hospital for stitches because the Packers were on TV. Or the baseball fan that was tired of listening to their neighbor cheer for his team, so he decided to run him over with his car....twice. I limit this topic to the USA because if I started going into the world climate, it just wouldn't be as funny when I tell you that a soccer player in Colombia was killed for costing his team a game in the world cup.....true story. Amazingly....grown men cry, women ignore their children, and countless babies are named Brett.....unbelievable you say? Believable I say. This my good people, is a fan. I must admit, I have been known to scream at the TV, curse strangers out, and make my children hold their pee until the inning was over. However, Fan, I am not. Enthusiast, that's the word for me! Enthusiast is like a Fan on Paxil.
I want to make some distinctions. First there are obnoxious fans, there are die hard fans, and finally there are fair weather fans. Now, here are some examples of each. Generally people from Boston are obnoxious fans. They are obnoxious because they are bitter people. Historically, with very few exceptions, their sports teams have performed below average. They take this out on teams that they know have a rich history of being winners. Then there are die hard fans. Generally fans from Chicago are die hard fans. They have long suffered with sports teams that again, traditionally haven't performed well. Well, they have spurts of good times and then really long droughts. But, through good times and bad they stand by their teams. Right about now you're thinking, that sounds a lot like the obnoxious fan. Well, you are only half right. The die hard fan concedes loss with class and dignity. Well at least as much dignity as you can muster while drinking a beer and having a Braut. Whereas obnoxious fans (again, generally from Boston) have every blame and excuse ready to reason why their team sustained the loss, never giving credit for good play. Then we have your average fair weather fan. I'm going to give you the example of the average Los Angeles fan. The fair weather fan goes through the entire season not knowing who plays for their team or whether the team is winning or losing and when they happen to stumble into the playoffs, they decide that they should proudly adorn their over priced (mostly leased) cars with their "favorite" team's flags. Now, these are the same people that are constantly on their cell phones during the game, leave the game early and consistently announce how much money they dropped on their great seats. These people haven't even figured out that it's been over 10 years since LA has had a professional football team. Now that you have the personalities categorized, you may be able to clearly identify family members, co-workers and that obnoxious guy at the bar. I am not saying that ALL obnoxious fans are from Boston, or that ALL die hard fans are from Chicago, or that ALL fair weather fans, who are we kidding, ALL fair weather fans are from LA.
Remember, I identify myself as an enthusiast. Rarely do I identify myself as a "fan". But at one time or another I have vacillated between obnoxious fan and die hard fan if I had to concede. I have been in every major city you can imagine and have not wavered in my dedication. Which of course classifies me as obnoxious, but only because I have had to defend my honor. But, at least there were reasons and I have had my principles. I have been the die hard fan and suffered through a 2-14 football season with the Dolphins. For those of you not familiar, the number of wins comes FIRST. But I can proudly proclaim that never has there come a time when I have been classified as a fair weather fan. I will pick a team or sometimes a player, and stand by my man. Good, bad, criminal charges pending, and all.
 I would love to say that only American people are so fanatical about their sports teams but alas, people in England have been killed over football matches. Er, sorry, soccer matches. And the aforementioned poor Colombian man. I guess as human beings the competitive instinct just naturally takes over. It's the people that just get under your skin and annoy the heck out of you, all under the guise of being a "fan" that really give Fans a bad name.
So, hopefully I have provided a valuable service to general public by providing this information.
If I have struck a nerve with anyone it's probably because you are from Boston or Los Angeles. I joke. But seriously, dedication is a wonderful thing. Fanaticism can be fatal or at least carry a sentence of 5-10 depending on if you opt to back the car up.....

Facebook is ruining my life (and yours)!!!

Let me just say that Facebook is the downfall of civilization. Not just western civilization, fuck no, ALL civilization. Yeah, yeah, it's nice to be able to keep in touch with far away friends, see pictures of their family, etc....but aside from that, evil, pure evil. This social networking engine from hell turns grown people into insecure, gossiping, mean spirited high school students. Seriously. You don't believe this you say? You have only had positive experiences with Facebook? I say, you are lying! Don't lie to yourselves. You know you have all Facebook "stalked" at least one person in your Facebook career. (And no I haven't forgotten about those of you who have asked ME to help you do it) Sure, you have rationalized it in your head and have made valid reasons as to WHY you had to look up the page of your ex, or his/her ex, or your boss or that long lost cousin that the family always thought was weird anyway....Admit it, it's true.

Or, (and I have no shame in my game as I am guilty of the following also) how many of you have complained, or let's say gently reminded your significant other that they still have pictures of their Ex on their page? And why exactly do you still have those pictures? And why aren't there more pictures of us or me? As a wise man once said to me "It ain't love until it's on Facebook.". I get it ladies (and some men) you want public validation that your significant other is truly YOURS and not anyone else's. Is that such a bad thing? Not necessarily..... But before Facebook, what were the options? Pictures in the wallet, on the phone, on the desk? Never has there been such a forum for this public display of love and affection such as Facebook.

Why is your relationship status so important? Does it matter that the 250 million friends you have electronically acknowledge your relationship? It's not like they don't see you together every weekend, right? WRONG...the answer is you bet your fucking ass it's important. Because we've made it important.We are to blame. We've made it easier to have our insecurities exploited. You can break up with someone simply by changing your relationship status. No phone call, no text, no conversation required! Thank you very much!

I won't even go into how Facebook has become the poster child for passive aggressive people world wide. Sure, I will tell you how I feel, behind the relative anonymity of Facebook. But don't ask me to stand up for what I believe in or tell the people exactly how I feel about them, read my status update, that will tell you all you need to know. And please make sure you "Like" it or I won't get the validation I need.

Believe me, I LOVE Facebook just as much as the next person. I love to see my friends and their kids that I wouldn't normally get to see. I enjoy hearing all about how your weekend went when I normally wouldn't get to. I feel the camaraderie when we are all cheering for (or against) the same sports teams. I am just saying that take it for what it is people, a SOCIAL networking site. Not your status in the world, not your relationship guide, and certainly NOT your dating site. (Please Facebook Gods, please terminate Zoosk before it goes too far....)

Please take care when you are posting where you are every minute of everyday. There are bad people in the world and they seem to all fucking congregate on Facebook. Probably because the national society of weirdos has their own page. (not even lying, look it up. you know you want to) Please remember a piece of wisdom that my dearly departed Grandfather imparted on me. "If it's worth saying once, it's worth saying again". This now means, if you post it, you better be able to say it to someones face.

Did you know that there are actually books on Facebook etiquette? WTF? Really? If you can't use common sense as to what you should and shouldn't be doing, stay the fuck off Facebook and don't friend request me!

Just take this humble piece of advice, observation of life with you......life is about living. Go out and smell the roses, run a marathon, fall in love, get in a fight, don't just read about it on Facebook. If you feel the need to post about it, so be it, but the point is to at least DO it.

Okay, I have to go now, about to upload some mobile photos to my cover photo and update my status while I check in from the lunch spot I am eating at!  Ciao!  ;0)

Ready or Not.....

First things first......Don't send me a bunch of comments or e-mails about how there are REAL crazy people in the world and that by calling myself a crazy woman, I am somehow offending someone or being politically incorrect. I don't care. Get over it. Live with it. Don't read any further. If you don't already know me, then too bad for you. Just kidding, I don't have a bunch of degrees from anywhere. I am not selling my advice, telling you how to live your life or judging. Well maybe judging a little. I just have a unique perspective on various things in this life and would like a forum to share them with everyone. And the answer to your question is "yes". I do think people want to hear my opinion and I do think highly of it. If you take yourself too seriously, you're not living life, you are walking on eggshells through it until the day you die. Have a sense of humor, I do! As long as the rules are clear: 1) there is no talking about fight club (oh wait, wrong club)...There are no rules! You have the right to say whatever you want, just like I have the right to delete any comments I don't like, because it's MY blog! Thanks for coming! 

P.S.-Did you like how I found a crazy woman picture with red hair? ;0)