There are so many things wrong with the holidays it would take two lifetimes to list them out in this blog, so I will give you the "ESPN Highlights" version of the good, the bad and the WTF about the holidays. The biggest problem I see with the "holidays" is that they are one big fucking commercial. If you love your kid enough you will buy them one million dollars worth of toys and electronics. If you love your significant other enough, you will buy them outrageously priced jewelry or better yet, a car. WTF? Really, nothing says Merry Fucking Christmas like a car? Because I am sure in the true spirit of Christmas, baby Jesus and all the fucking wise men, were totally thinking car as a gift. No, no they fucking weren't. You know what gifts they gave Frankincense and Myrrh. You know what that is? Fucking resin from a tree burned like incense. Yeah, that's what they gave. Don't you feel like the idiot that brought a gun to a sword fight? Sure, the other gift given to baby Jesus was gold, but hey, he was going to die for all of your sins, and really what have you done this year to deserve some gold? A car...puhleez. And what about our already spoiled children? Do they need another gaming system? Another fucking doll to teach social prejudice and make them feel inadequate that they aren't blonde haired and blue eyed? People bitch and moan every year that we have lost what the "true spirit of Christmas is". Well, then stop fucking paying thousands of dollars for shit that you and your family don't need. My other favorite? The holiday picture card, short story or poem. First, the picture is always either your stupid vacation photo that was taken no where near Christmas time OR it's you and your kids posing around the Christmas tree for a family moment that NEVER happens. The short story or poem drives me fucking mad. No one gives a fuck that little Janie came in first place during the year for her first grade spelling bee. Now if she was arrested for a DUI and took some people out on the way to jail, leaked a sex tape and was engaged to a member of the Wu-Tang Clan, then that may be holiday newsworthy. And why does it have to rhyme? Believe me, none of your rhyming skills are that of an Eminem, leave it to the professionals. Another highlight of the holidays is how all of a sudden people pretend like they like each other. I just saw you two beating the shit out of each other in the parking lot and talking some trash on Facebook, but now you are BFF's? WTF? You were touched by the holiday spirit you say? Maybe your greedy ass was touched by wanting some nice shit for Christmas. I'm all for burying the hatchet, but two weeks before Christmas only to be fighting on New Year's day does not count. But my ALL time favorite has got to be the people that feel the need to be in or start a relationship for the holidays. You know THOSE people. The ones who don't want to show up anywhere without a date. Office party, family party, whatever...can't go solo. So what do they do? They get desperate and turn their fuck buddy or casual dating partner into the next "one" for the holidays. This person is now the shit. They are your long lost love, the future parent of your child. Sure they are. They are good for being the designated driver when your ass drinks too much spiked eggnog and giving you a last minute gift bought at Rite Aid (open on Christmas) of Mariah Carey's perfume and a Whitman's Sampler. Or God forbid you commit the ultimate holiday faux pas and hook up with an Ex. You know that Ex that is ALWAYS single (for a reason). The girl who is so desperate to be engaged or married that she went ahead and got her preacher's license online. Or the guy that has "never found anyone as special as you since we broke up". Because THAT always works out well. It does make for an interesting Christmas day dinner when the inevitable knock down drag out fight occurs at the family dinner table for all to find out that you enjoy kinky sex shit. Never a dull moment.... But my all time favorite holiday scam has GOT to be Santa Claus. Who the fuck came up with this fat asshole. I mean think about this. You as the parents work 40 plus hours per week all year to put food on the table for your rugrats and then probably work OT during the holidays to pay for all of those annoying fucking toys and who gets credit for it? Some fat jolly dude in a horrible crushed red velvet suit who plays with midgets and farm animals. WTF? Do you tell your kids Santa Claus is paying for their college tuition? Because that's when the fuck I could use some assistance. Why do we continue this ridiculous tradition? Is it so bad for your kids to find out that YOU actually love and care enough about them to get them what they want for Christmas? And it isn't like it used to be in the old days where you used Santa Claus as the disciplinarian. Kids don't buy that shit anymore. I mean it is probably more plausible that Santa "sees you when you're sleeping" (which is a WHOLE other blog and so creepy that I can't go into it) and "knows when you're awake" in the advent of webcams and facetime and all, but come on... one quick email to Santa and shit is hooked up. I'm just pointing out the obvious here, you are setting your kids up for a lifetime of disappointment with them pinning their hopes on some old white guy to come through in a pinch... (I could use examples here, but I think you get the point... Mitt Romney). I say we change the tides and tell the truth for a change! Tell them that the factory in the North Pole was closed for computer upgrades, the elves went on a labor strike, the reindeer got mad cow disease and the shipping company went belly up and THAT's why Santa couldn't bring the little guy his new Wii U and why Mommy got a new Mercedes for Christmas!
Merry Fucking Christmas to you all!!!
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