This is us now......

What in the actual fuck 2020? Seriously, what in the fuck? Man, I re-read my last post from January of this year, and it fucking seemed full of optimism compared to now. I love to see the best in every situation, although mostly through an extremely sarcastic point of view, but seriously the best. And I gotta be honest with you, this one is throwing me for a loop. I am happy to be among the fortunate who have neither lost anyone nor suffered at the hands of COVID19. I am truly saddened and my heart aches for those around the world dealing with the consequences of this illness. Of course, the main concern is for the health and welfare of everyone, but there are certainly other consequences of this pandemic (fucking feels like a sci-fi film even typing that word).

We're almost two months into this and.....this is us now. Us, the "sheltered in place", the "quarantined", the makers of masks out of t-shirts, the socially distanced. This is us now. Us, the ever hand washing, the panicked, the buying all of the toilet paper (seriously, WTF is that???) the raiding of all the markets, the "me and mine only". This is us now. Us, fearful of losing our jobs, our way of life, our homes, our lives. 

BUT.... I promise, this too shall pass. I haven't told many, but I did suffer a setback in this, I lost my job. I was laid off. My first reactions-anger, fear and then shame. I didn't tell a bunch of people, because I was a grown ass woman in my late fort, ahem, late thirties, who was unemployed in the middle of THE worst time to be unemployed. How would we survive? How could they do this to me? While I would love to tell you how the evil corporation I worked for did me wrong, it doesn't help. Plus, I'm legally bound by my severance agreement, lol, no seriously though. I am going to be okay, I guarantee you that. I am going to be okay because I choose to be. I am going to be okay, because frankly, I was raised to rise up, no matter what.  Easier said than done, right? I choose to believe, because what is the alternative? Doom and gloom? Nah, that's not for me and it shouldn't be for you either. You will really have to take a hard look and make some hard decisions, but I assure you, you'll be okay and you'll do the right thing. Maybe you have your family, your friends or your faith, or shit, maybe you're lucky enough to have all three and those will get you through. 

IF you need help, there is help. Help is nothing to be ashamed of and can come in the form of finance, supplies, services or just plain information. If you know me personally and need help finding help, your'e in luck because I am THE BEST at finding shit out. Literally, the best, trust me. So find my email, my social networking accounts or LinkedIn. I will find a way to find you help. If you're not friends with me personally, my suggestion is to literally Google what you're looking for, I am not fucking around. Type the question literally into Google and I promise it will start you down the path you need to be on. I wish I was Bill Gates status and could hand out checks faster than the government, but the universe has chosen a different path for me. Maybe that will be my next career, finding people help. Who the fuck knows. 

In the meantime. Don't beat yourself up about being unemployed, about not planning every fucking minute of your kids day or about wearing your damn PJ's all day. This is a TRAUMATIC situation we are all going through. There are no fucking rules, none. Nobody has been through this shit before and don't let them make you feel bad about the way you're dealing with it. As long as you have some routine of self care, it's all good. Join an online church, write a book, play video games, be you. Be the you you've always wanted to be but never had the time or motivation to become. Or just continue being the fabulous you that you are. 

This is us now. Us, the grocery store clerks, the doctors, the healthcare workers, the janitors, the delivery drivers, the "necessaries" of society who are keeping us afloat (if I may steal the cheesiest line of all time "Not all heroes wear capes"). This is us now. Us, the forever changed. 

My best thoughts and vibes to all my family and friends out there. My sincere wishes for the best to all of my fellow humans to come through this healthy and stronger for having gone through it. Until we meet again. 

It's okay, no really, it's okay.......

Damn, I am a shiitttyyy blogger. Good thing it's a hobby and not a profession. The mood struck on this day in the newly minted year of 2019....... LMFAO... I found this draft. THAT's how shitty of a blogger I am! LOL, a year ago I started to write a post, and then didn't. So I'll crib my words and start this in the newly minted year of 2020. Damn, time flies. 

 It's a rare cold day for me here in Southern California, so I had some "down" time. I generally thoroughly relish the role of smart ass, sarcastic, in your face author, but these days, I'm just kind of tired. I don't have any health issues (although like probably every woman in existence, I could stand to lose a few pounds and gain some more energy) and I'm not depressed, I'm just tired, and you know what? For the first time in a long time, it's okay. I abhor reading these FB posts about blogs about how EVERYONE is just out their mind busy all the time. Are you really though? Are you really that busy or are you not comfortable enough with you to be able to do nothing and be tired. Sure, you have kids, you have a job, you want a life, I get it, been there done that, ahem, doing that. But at the end of the day why aren't some things just okay? Like being tired. Let me tell you, fuck getting old, no really, fuck that. I don't want to be old, I don't want to look old, I don't want to feel old, but guess what? I'm getting old, and it's okay. I can't stop it. I can't turn back the proverbial hands of time, and if I'm being honest, I don't want to. Being this old brought me to where I am now, albeit tired me, me. I'm good with getting old and being tired, I'm not good with feeling guilty about it or having to apologize for it. FUCK THAT. 
You know what else is okay. Not wanting to have kids. The urge does not strike every man and woman on Earth. I hate (and I used to be guilty of it as well) hearing people, well women being told by another woman (because let's be real, nobody says this shit to a man) that she doesn't want kids only to hear the same fucking retort every time "You'll change your mind". No bitch, she won't and that's okay. Having kids is a FUCK ton of work. It puts a strain on you physically, mentally and financially and if you're smart enough to have figured that shit out BEFORE you had a kid, good for you.
There are two sides to every coin right? Right. I myself am a side and for example my husband is the other side of that coin. He's my husband and I love him dearly but we don't fucking agree on every damn thing. And that is so much more than okay. How boring would we be if we agreed on everything? Ugh! A good fight every once in a while keeps the romance alive. And for all the people that say different, fuck you. You're going to get divorced or your spouse is cheating on you right now. Okay, that shit was harsh, but you know what I mean. Not being in step on every fucking thing is most definitely okay. In fact, it's a necessity.

Last year was fucking insane. FUCKING INSANE. And we're only a month into this year and already, double fucking insane. It's okay to have your political opinions, your sociological opinions, your sports opinions and all of that, really it is. But fuck, ya'll cannot seem to respect that about each other. I don't agree with like 90% of what 90% of what my friends and family say, but I still love them. I would still take a bullet, throw a punch, drive to a Tijuana jail (that must be an LA thing, because I never hear MF'ers in NY talk about bailing someone out of TJ jail...LOL) and all of that nonsense. :I don't want to get on a high horse (what in the AF is a "high" horse) or tell you what you should be doing, but fuck, someone needs to. Believe in your mental healer, believe that the Dodgers are one day going to win the world series in your lifetime, believe that Trump is a good president (that was painful), all of that, but remember that not everyone agrees with you and THAT SHIT IS OKAY. 

Love and prayers to all that lost in 2019 and those who are suffering already in 2020. 
Make this your year in whatever way brings you joy my family and friends! 

Chocolate or Vanilla?

So, it's been a while since we've spoken. I've had many, many thoughts, some of them random and some of them observations. You see what I did there? Anyhow, since I've got some spare time as I am spending time in a lovely town, with lovely people and lovely things to do, I figured fuck it, let me sit in my hotel room and share my shit with you all. What can I say, I'm a giver. 

 

Getting back on topic, the age old debate Chocolate or Vanilla. I mean, who hasn't struggled with this choice? And if you haven't, you obviously are missing the entire point of this blog. Are you a Vanilla person? Have you always known you were a Vanilla person? Did you even think about trying Chocolate? Are you a Chocolate person that sneaks Vanilla every once in a while? I'll give you my take on both and if you STILL can't decide, then well, maybe professional help is in order. 

I have to tell you that my first love was Vanilla. I know love is a strong word for Vanilla and believe me I didn't think I would ever use it either, but I did grow to love Vanilla. It was not love at first sight, but I kept an open mind. You know at first it just seemed plain and like something that I would try in passing and then move on. It seemed as though trying Vanilla made me like everyone else. I mean, it is the NUMBER ONE ice cream flavor. Did I want to be like everyone else? Was I ready to try a new flavor? But then I tried Vanilla and discovered that Vanilla was not as plain as I originally thought and that I could even add whatever I wanted to Vanilla to make it better or more exciting. And in the end, I finally realized that I loved Vanilla just the way it was. There were times I wanted Vanilla all to myself but there were others who loved Vanilla  much as I did, and some even more. I didn't like sharing Vanilla but since I already knew how great Vanilla was I couldn't really keep it all to myself. Eventually, like all good things, my time with Vanilla came to an end. Sigh, I really wanted to keep Vanilla, but I knew that it was time to move on and try other flavors. So, Vanilla went back to flavor town and I moved on to try new and other exciting flavors. And that's when I discovered Chocolate. 

I can't even really remember the exact moment that I decided to try Chocolate. I had so many different feelings about flavors at that point, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Chocolate was so different from any other flavor I had ever had. I mean I had heard about Chocolate and how many ways people had loved Chocolate, but I didn't really think it was for me. I waited as long as I could, but I finally gave in and tried Chocolate. And holy fuck was Chocolate for me. It was most definitely love at first sight. It was a feeling that I couldn't put into words (I know right, ME...no words). Chocolate was plain, exciting, different, and the same all at once. Chocolate seemed like the flavor I had been waiting to try my whole life. Once again, there were other people who loved Chocolate like I did, even more, but this time, I didn't think I could bare to part with Chocolate. Chocolate was absolutely the best flavor that happened to me in my life. How could I wake up everyday and not have Chocolate? I needed Chocolate and it was going to my flavor of choice for the rest of my life.

It isn't that Chocolate is better or more exciting than Vanilla, it's just different, it's the flavor I will choose first over and over again. Will I still try Vanilla? Of course, I'll always have love for Vanilla. At the end of the day, I think a little piece of me will always have the question....Chocolate or Vanilla?

 I'm outta here. I have a craving for ice cream.....Guess which flavor? 

Explain it to me like I'm in Kindergarten.......

When I was little, I thought it was pronounced KiddieGarden and I imagined some magical place with kids and a lot of trees and flowers and because I was a little idiot, probably unicorns and shit too. Then two things happened, I stopped being an idiot and I didn't get to go to KiddieGarden, I skipped, I was too advanced. I know right? Hard to believe, but I swear it's true. You probably thought this was going to be about KiddieGarden, but it's not. I know I will let the disappointment wash over you. No, this shit is about the stupid fucking things people do that I would LOVE for them to explain to me....like I was in Kindergarten. I want to make sure I fully grasp the level of stupidity it took for them arrive at the place they currently are.

I would love for the groups that single themselves out for their differences to explain to me (of course) like I was in Kindergarten how this is helpful? While I am a big proponent of celebrating the diversity of all, isn't the very fact that you're segregating yourself from whomever your perceived "oppressors" are giving them what they want? Remember when Loius Farakhan wanted the US government to give all African American people the Northwest part of the United States? (I swear I didn't make that up.. .google it) how would that have been helpful to African Americans? How can he not understand that separate but equal doesn't work? Again, celebrating your culture is one thing, but sports leagues, clubs, etc that ONLY include a specific ethnic group how is that any different than what these same groups complain about all of the time? If I want to join the Latin Football (that's soccer for you Americans...) club, am I not allowed to? How is that different than being excluded for  being Latin? And if I CAN in fact join the Latin Football club, then why call it the Latin Football club. Why not call it the Everyone Football club? What I'm saying here is I want someone to explain to me how celebrating their differences by excluding others is any different than racism or sexism? I will leave the comment section open. (But type slowly)

I would also enjoy it if the people that voted for the Cheeto in office could explain to me like I was in Kindergarten, exactly what about HIM they thought would make a good choice for President? And by exactly what about HIM, I mean just that. Not because he was a better choice than Hillary or because he was different from Obama. What characteristics about this person did you think would make him a good leader for this country? I would LOVE to hear about his achievements that led you to believe with all of your voting heart that he was the best choice for this country. And again, I will leave the comments section open, but if you can't type a response without using Hillary, Obama or Liberals, that you get the Gong. (if you're too young to know what the gong is, google that shit).

My next request would have to be to have it explained to me how (and this is like my 1 millionth time requesting this) these people who do absolutely fucking nothing are famous for that shit? Seriously, Trashdashians, the people from the fucking stupid show about high school in Orange County, the housewives?? Fuck, my Grandma was a housewife and I didn't see anyone lining up to buy shit she made. WTF? So if I'm understanding this, all I have to do to be famous and make millions (and possibly marry a rapper or basketball player) is be a whore, do nothing, be a whore, have absolutely no discernible talent and oh yes, be a whore and make sure everyone on national television knows about it? I think I need to rethink my career choices.

Maybe this was all explained in KiddieGarden and I missed it?

Have you ever noticed?

I play this game a lot with my husband, and he hates it. He calls it judgemental. Whatever.. he's a dude, he doesn't get it. He OBVIOUSLY hasn't read my blog post about the differences of being judgemental and making observations... duh. But seriously, don't you ever stop and shake your head (for me it's literally one million times a day) and go what the fuck was that person thinking? I have a whole lotta these so strap in my fellow observationists.

Have you ever noticed that the people that "praise God" for their blessings all the time are usually ( I said usually, don't go getting all up in arms) the ones that complain about everything? It's like those people that order a big mac meal and then a diet coke. Like it evens it out. It doesn't. 

Ever notice that the parents that constantly talk about or post about how great their kids are usually have the biggest asshole kids. EVERYONE'S kid uses technology now a days, who are you lying to? I'm not judging you, parents get by doing what works for them. But come on, nobody's kids are perfect, not even mine. :p

Have you ever noticed that literally every single person that voted for the Cheeto cannot provide a reason or explanation as to why they voted for him without using the words Hillary, Obama or Liberals? If he was the best choice, then you should be able to at least point to something he does well and not what his predecessors or opponents have done wrong. Word. 

Ever notice that certain groups of society that some people (not me) may label as minorities (and I don't necessarily mean your ethnic background) seem to separate themselves from the whole of society by participating in activites that include only "their" group can be part of and exclude the so-called majority (or other minorities for that fact) which is literally the definition of paradoxy, irony and hipocrisy all at the same time? Hmmmm.....

Have you ever noticed that the faster you drive on the freeway, the harder the rain seems to get? I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. It's a natural phenomena. (I really want to put the person who said that to me on blast, but I can't)

Have you ever noticed that people that begin their sentences or thoughts with "To be honest" or "I'm going to tell you the truth" are always lying? It's like they're prepping your mind to believe the bullshit that's about to spew out. Like you won't notice. I notice fuckers, I notice.

Ever notice that one "friend" that everyone has that gives everyone advice usually has the most fucked up life? Living in their Mom's basement, no job and dating someone's husband/wife and trying to tell you to leave your Significant Other or quit your job. Know why? MISERY LOVES COMPANY. 

Alright, enough enlightment for one post. 

An Open Letter to my Children

Besides being a crazy woman, a career woman, a small business owner, an outrageously talented blogger, a sports fan, an awesome friend, an amazing wife, you get the picture, I am a Mom. Yes, the "M" word. I have been a Mom for going on 25 years now. It's funny because it's not like I dreamed of having kids when I was little. Completely the opposite in fact. I told my Grandmother when I was 16 that I was probably never going to get married and was definitely not having kids, and if I did, it would be through artificial insemination via a donor from the sperm bank. She looked me dead in the eye and asked if I was a lesbian. True story.  But here I am now, three kids, a step-kid and on my second marriage. Talk about best laid plans... I am literally laughing out loud as I type that. Anyhow, my kids have all passed the age that I was when I first became a Mom and sometimes the mood strikes me I send them text messages or have "family meetings" (their favorite) to remind them that they are not ready to be parents any time soon. These texts and meetings usually involve them staring at me in horror and me rolling on the floor laughing. What are you going to do?

It's a funny funny world we live in now a days (I sound like my Nona...) and I wonder how they are going to get through it sometimes. How are they going to know what to do and when to do it? Who is going to tell them how to make Easter baskets and pretend to be Santa Claus and even though you may want to punch some kid in the face, letting their kids fight their own battles? And then it hit me, I mean I always knew it deep down, but I am NEVER going to stop being their Mom. FUUCCKKK... I didn't sign up for this long of a haul. What the fuck? It is my job to keep teaching them until the fucking day I day and even probably then I will be giving direction as to what to do next. I joke, I use sarcasm, but if you don't feel that way and you have kids, please reevaluate your life choices and if you don't have kids yet, please continue down that path. I am the most serious I can be when I say that this is a lifelong commitment. Fuck good times and bad, you don't have time to distinguish between the two and it all runs together until you get a moment to take a breath and look back and it's all over. Sounds sad, I know, but fuck what an adventure. So, even though I'm not dying or anything (at least not today) I thought I would impart some lasting wisdom on these little fuckers (who aren't so little anymore) before I set out on my next adventure, so here goes an open letter to my spawn (biological and otherwise)

Dear Spawn,

You may not have always understood why I did the things I did, but I understood, and it was for your own good. Could I have been less dramatic or even lowered my voice, probably, but what fun would that have been and would it have really left that much of an impression on you? If there is anything I can tell you about raising kids and having a family is that you cannot take yourself or anything too seriously. I remember stressing about what outfits you were going to wear on each holiday and taking the perfect picture and putting up the perfect decorations. But you know what I realized?  You were too little to notice and you only remembered how you FELT during those times, and who was there and not much else. Fuck, for Christmas one year someone wanted a Barbie dream house, got it and the proceeded to play with the fucking box for two hours before even looking at the damn thing.
However, I am getting ahead of myself. Before anything else, try and find a job you love doing and if you can't find that, that at least something you can tolerate or something that allows you time to do something you love. A lifetime of misery due to work is no fun. Oh, and make sure it pays enough to keep you in your OWN house. Choose a partner that completes you and doesn't define you. Stand on your own, always have your own money for emergencies and always know that you survived long before they were in your life and you will most definitely survive (if need be) without them in your life. You will however, not survive without your Mother. Because I will hunt you down and take you out. Seriously. You recall my favorite saying during your childhood? "I brought you into this world and I will damn sure take you out". Children are not for everyone, but they are forever. Whatever you choose (or don't choose)  I wish for you that your kids pull the absolute dumb fuckery shenanigans that you pulled as kids. I hope that your kids lose all of their fucking shoes every time you are about to leave the house. I hope that every relative you know gives them 152 pounds of candy for Easter and Halloween and that they receive the noisiest most annoying toys for Christmas gifts. I hope they test your patience during school days and decide that "sweating is not for them" in the middle of a soccer game. I hope they decide that they don't give a shit about school and then beg for your help the day before their projects are due. I hope they tell you that Grandma's house is way more fun than your house. I hope that every friend they pick is an absolute asshole and they invite them over every fucking opportunity they get. I hope that they decide that curfews are an option and you never get a good night's sleep from the day they are born. I hope they decide that they want to go the most expensive far away college they can find, only to return a year later. But truly what I wish for you in life is that if you decide to have children that they bring you the joy and love that you have all brought and continue to bring to my life on a daily basis. And I hope you are one tenth as good of a parent as I am fuckers! As always, your loving Mother. 

I'm a snowflake, so fuck you

Ugh... see what 2017 has done to me already? I fucking missed my Merry Fucking Christmas post, I missed my un-resolution, resolution post and now I have to fucking write about politics. WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, what the fuck? So much has happened since this piece of trash uneducated shit (POTUS-see what I did there?) has taken office, I have been forced, forced I tell you to address it. I am what you call politically an extremist. There are beliefs I have that are far right (very few and far between) and some I have to the extreme left, but I am mostly in the middle. Really, what I'm mostly for is a real democracy, which we don't have. But fuck... there has been some ridiculous shit that has happened.

First, starting off with the fucking ignorant people who berated and belittled all the HUMAN BEINGS who marched all over the world for a common belief, fuck you. For those women who believe that their pussies shouldn't be grabbed randomly, their procreation rights trampled by the government and want equal pay and treatment in the workplace... thank you , I appreciate your stance and your passion. Am I feminist? Probably not, I think mostly because I say the word bitch too much. But seriously, I have been saying for years that women are the most discriminated against group in the world, and I'm pretty much always right, so there. The problem is the divide created by BOTH sides. What's that saying, opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and everyone's stinks. If you don't like the smell of the asshole, move on to the next. No need for name calling or violence. No need to belittle what someone else believes in to further your own cause. (This does not count for racism, religious intolerance or advocating violence, because I said so)

Second, just the sheer lack of experience and lack of honesty. Look, I was born at night, but not last fucking night. (I actually don't know if I was born at night, so Mom or Dad if you're reading this, a little clarification please). Maybe it was a good idea to have a business person run the country. More efficient, less special interests, more innovation. I agree, but not the business man they chose. His business ventures aren't even successful and they're dishonest and shady. He hasn't worked for anything ever and he is perpetuating this environment of ignorance by nominating and appointing people even less qualified than him, if possible. This is a problem. The bullshit-o-meter is off the charts on this regime (not an administration because that implies organization and efficency) and the level of hostility is just unbelievable. The maturity level of this person and his staff to take to SOCIAL media (it's fucking called SOCIAL media because it's not ACTUAL media) to rip off whatever pops into their fucking ignorant minds is just mind blowing. No leader of any country, nation or territory is perfect and you're not going to please all of the people all of the time, but there's got to be some effoft and plan to at least further the welfare of the people you are supposed to be taking care of.

Lastly, it brings me to my final and yet saddest point. Look, bullshit aside, I (me and mine) are going to be fine. We're going to endure this fucking nightmare for as long as it lasts, with most likely minimal impact. And it's because we have careers in industries that are essentially recession proof and none of our immediate family members are gay. (another post for another day on how this regime is the most discriminatory) We're going to be alright. You know who is not going to be alright? All the misinformed, misled people from White middle America who decided that he was the best option. The best option, think about that for a minute. A (might as well be through his statements and actions) self declared misogynist, a person with a track record of blatant racism, a person with ties to countries with whom this country has declared "enemies of the state". THIS was what they felt was their best option. Opinions (or assholes, whichever you like best) of the previous administration aside, or the proposed opponent in the past election aside, this was NOT the best option for those rural farmers in Ohio, those unemployed in Michigan and those disenfranchised from the "Bible Belt". This person does not care about their plight or their future. This is evident in the cabinet selections he has made and the pretend "laws" he has tried to enact. The most unfortunate part is that whoever inherits this mess when it is over, is going to spend their first 4 years cleaning it up before they can tackle the issues that this alternative fact spewer promised he would take care of.

I can't remember a time (probably because I am so young) when the country was so divided, and violently divided with opinions about the leadership of this country. I can't remember a time when our fellow American felt so completely opposed to immigrants entering this country post WWII. I can't remember ever despising a leader of this country more than I despise this man (and I lived through George W. Bush) and the people that are so vehemently dedicated to his cause and bullshit. These are odd times my friends, and I hope with all my heart you find a way a through. There is a post with no attributed author on tips on how to "resist" the new president. You should Google that shit.

Until then, call me a fucking snowflake. That's fucking right, because you know what, there are no two identical snowflakes because just like us they all have assholes, I mean opinions. Fight the good fight my friends.

What I am thankful for.....

I bet you thought this was going to be a heartfelt post about all the things I love in my life, my family, blah blah blah. Well you obviously haven't been paying attention. It cracks me up that with my legion of blog followers (a total of zero because you assholes don't share my wisdom with friends and family) the favorite is always the Merry Fucking Christmas post. You know why? Because that shit is REAL. Not sugar coated, Martha Stewart fake shit, REAL shit about the holidays. So I thought I'd take that premise and apply it to my second favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. (My first favorite is Christmas and Halloween is not a fucking holiday). I tend to write in list format and the reason really is because it's easier for stupid people to read and relate to. It's like I'm telling them what's important and the order it goes in. Don't believe me, did you see the results of the last election? I rest my case. So in no particular order (wink wink) here is what I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful that the NFL moved the PAT (point after try) back to the 25 yard line. Why, you ask? Well if you're a football fan, you've noticed a fuck of a lot more kicks getting blocked or flat out missed, which fucking makes me laugh. For all of you that are not NFL fans, but may be NBA fans, missing a PAT is like missing a fucking free throw. If you can't make that shit, why even bother being a professional athlete. So, I like to see people that call themselves professional athletes (oxymoron) fail. It's kind of my thing. 

I am thankful that stupid people still exist and place their talents on display publicly and often. I mean fuck 2016 and was really the year of the moron not the monkey, let's be honest. I could list the examples, but that would be the whole blog. Just suffice to say that something called "the mannequin challenge" exists. Enough said. 

I am thankful that Joe Biden is seriously the funnies mother f"er to be in office. That dude slays me. On top of all of the memes that are out about him and Obama, the actual real shit he does is f'n hilarious. Google that shit. 

I am thankful that I can say "google that shit" and people can actually find stuff out without me having to explain it. Makes my life so much easier. 

I am thankful that Tim Tebow has resurrected his career and is becoming a baseball player. I also believe fully in the fact that he is the next coming of Jesus Christ. What? You don't believe? Have you ever seen them in the same room together? Did he not miraculously (and famously) save a baseball fan from dying just by laying his hands on them? Makes you think, right? 

I am thankful that Fox decided to hire Pete Rose and Alex Rodriguez as commentators during the world series. That shit was fucking hilarious. Alex is extremely intelligent (I'll admit I was surprised) and makes these astute observations and then the next minute is going over to fix Pete Rose's tie as he slumps into the camera shot.Classic! 

And finally I am thankful for people who lost their mind over the election. I mean seriously. I am not oblivious to the facts of the campaign and the people involved, but fuck, relax. I mean don't sit around and not do anything about what you believe in, but fuck typing a 1052 word rant on FB is not going to change the results. I will sit back and laugh at what a cry baby you are if you do that. You want real change, get off your ass and out from behind your keyboard and go get it. Analyzing the stupidity of the average american (see item #2 above) can take months or years and by that time it's already time to elect another person. It's not preschool, you can't sit around and cry until they give in and not everybody gets a fucking trophy. Put on your big people panties and get on with your life. 

Then seriously, I am extremely grateful to be surrounded by a wonderful family with my loving husband, great kids, and all of our extended brood. We are fortunate to have great friends who are like second family to us as well. And with all of my sincerest wishes, I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving from me and mine! 

Dear America,

Dear America, 

We're broken. We're not beyond hope, yet, but we're broken. In the wake of what can only be described as one of the most horrifying events of the last decade, America elected an old white man. But wait, you say, we've elected old white men before. What's the difference? The difference is it's 2016 mother fuckers. MLK hoped that by now we'd be judging people by the "content of their character and not by the color of their skin". And to say this candidate lacked character would be the understatement of the century.  I have nothing against old men, white men, or men in general. I have a LOT against this old white man. A blatant racist, misogynist, and all around douche bag. He has absolutely ZERO business acumen, absolutely ZERO political experience and yet America thought he'd make a good commander in chief. Well, actually not most of America, and not even the majority of American only the uneducated America.  America, the trail blazer for democracy, is still using a 150 plus year old system to elect their leader. Let that sink in. America said that they were so tired of the "status quo" (who happens to be a black man) that they needed to go back to feeling comfortable again. They needed to go back to feeling like they were going to be in charge of their lives. I say "they" but they are we, they are us. We are a country divided like no other time in history. This division goes beyond race, gender and economic equality. This division comes down to human decency. The ability to treat our fellow human American with decency.  To have to think about calling this ass clown the President sickens me to no end. 

But remember what I said in the beginning? We're not beyond hope. Not yet. I hear a lot of people on Facebook asking what are they going to tell their kids. Here's what you tell your kids. You tell them that in real life there are setbacks. In real life people are NOT always nice people or good people but that they have to keep doing what they think is right. You tell them that the fact that this person with ZERO experience was elected to be the President of the United States  makes  it even more possible for ANYONE (including your child) to be the next President, to be a better President. You tell your kids that they should never settle for the "status quo" because that's why this person was placed in office. We are using a system to "democratically elect" a President that is over 150 years old and needs to be changed. You tell your kids that there is hope because a woman (who has only had the right to vote for less than 100 years) actually received MORE votes than the person that "won". You tell your kids that at the end of the day, some man living in some house that they will never meet and probably never see, can NOT take their hopes and dreams away. And while you're at it, comfort yourselves in that knowledge as well. 

And listen DO NOT FUCKING REPLY to this post with some bullshit about Hillary Clinton. Fuck you that wasn't the point and if you didn't get the point, don't fucking read my blog. 

Until the next election, 

'Murica

You're doing it wrong

It's been a minute since I've touched on such a controversial topic such as this, but with Summer coming to an end, I just felt the need to mix it up! People are extremely heated about the presidential race and the national anthem and all kinds of shit, and I just wanted to get in on that passion. You know, really discuss a subject that most people don't have the balls to discuss. 

Now, before you go getting all offended assuming I'm talking about you (which I probably am) just fucking listen up. If your child can walk more than 10 feet, they are too big for a stroller. Disabilities and impediments aside, if your child can walk more than 10 feet, they are too big for a stroller. I know what you're going to say, I do. No, they NEED a stroller, they NEED to rest and sit down and be controlled. and this is what I am going to say... we are raising the next generation of lazy ass kids. The kids do not NEED a stroller, YOU need the stroller. You need the stroller because you're half assing that parenting shit. Yeah, I said it. Look, I have had three small kids, and they are all 2 years or less apart. I know the feeling of NEEDING a stroller, but you know what, I didn't use one if they could walk 10 feet or more, that's the rule. Not at Disneyland, not at the mall, not ANYWHERE. You know why? Because I didn't want to raise lazy ass kids. I mean they are still lazy (that's a totally different blog) but for completely different reasons. If someone told you when you found out you were having a child that parenting was easy, they FUCKING LIED TO YOU. Parenting is not easy, never has been, never will be. I know, I already know you are going to say, but what about this situation or what about that situation, and the answer is "Can your child walk 10 feet or more by themselves?" No fucking stroller needed. 

For those of you that know this blog well, you know that the stroller is just a symptom to prove the real point. We are raising lazy ass kids. We have set the bar so low for these kids, they are practically doing the limbo instead of high jumping over it. I am not judging, nor am I saying that my way is the right way (although it is). I am merely pointing out that raising this generation to be co-dependent (on parents, on electronics, on society) is going to be their downfall, and in turn ours. Is it easier to hand them a phone or tablet during dinner or the car ride to keep them quiet? Fuck yeah it is, but what about good old fashioned conversation? Putting aside the social aspects of this issue, think about the health of our future generation. Fine motor coordination, muscle growth and development, etc. Did you know the the average height of the American child is actually DECLINING compared to the rest of the world. Pretty soon, no more gold medals in basketball because our kids are going to be the size of fucking Frodo. We are raising short, fat, lazy kids and it must end. I feel like that guy going around cutting selfie sticks, only I want to remove the tires off of strollers with kids that have no business being in a stroller. I know, my extremist views and harsh methods offend you. It's okay. It is, I am willing to take the brunt of your anger. Be angry all you want at me, but for fuck's sake, take your kid out of that damn stroller!  

Enough.....Seriously, enough.

I sadly step away from my normal smart ass self to type this blog through tears. Yet again, I have had to wake up and read countless stories about 49 of our fellow human beings exterminated from existence by another senseless act of violence. Look, I am neither pro nor anti gun, I am neither pro nor anti Islam, what I am is pro human life and anti murder. Put aside your passionate beliefs and take a look at the facts of this tragic event. A person had a weapon, walked into a public space and took away 49 brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. They are gone. No matter if you think Obama is horrible or taking your guns, these people are not coming back. No matter if you side with Trump and think all Muslims should be deported, these people are not coming back. Let me say this one more time so that it can sink in past your rhetoric, your prejudice, and your hatred THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT COMING BACK. I don't know the solution, I really don't. What I do know is that we can't keep going like this. We have to be willing to look outside to other societies, other cultures to help us to fix this problem. Because again, whatever your beliefs this is a problem. I have children who are old enough to visit nightclubs, casinos, and all other "adult" spaces and I worry for them every time they step outside the house. We live in the United fucking States of America and I worry as if we lived in Libya. And you know what makes it worse? At least in Libya they KNOW who the bad guys are, we have no fucking clue, none. And if you're relieved because your children aren't old enough to visit "adult" spaces, guess what, school violence is in second place and not by a large margin. A wise man once said to me that we're all liberal until we have something to lose. Well, fucking wake up because it doesn't get much bigger than losing your fucking life. Yes, it's heartwarming to see the outpouring of support for the victims families, but that only lasts until the next massacre. Until the next time you change your fucking profile pic, or the next time you share a story about how people supported each other. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? You'll probably notice that I've glaringly left out the supposed motives for this particular attack. Does it fucking matter? Does it matter that we live in a country that prides itself on freedom for all of its citizens, but really what that means is as long as you fit into the right category. Because if you're different, well then, maybe you're free and maybe you're not. Maybe you are afforded the same protections and maybe you're not. Again, no matter the intended target group or the motive, these are 49 human beings that will never love, laugh, or live again. Families that have to try and understand how this happened and families that will never be the same again.  I haven't heard any "good" ideas coming from any of these so-called presidential candidates either. They have no fucking clue. Like I said earlier, I don't know what to do, but it has to be something. There has to be a better way. There has to be a solution. In the meantime, please show your human side and support any friends and/or family that are having to deal with this tragedy as best you can. If you aren't directly impacted below are some links where you can offer help as well. I leave my fellow humans with this thought...if not now, when? If not us, who? Enough.....

http://www.pulseorlandoclub.com/- For employees of the club that survived
http://www.oneorlando.org/- created by the city to help the latino and lgbt communities
https://victimsofcrime.org/-for victims of crime

I need to go to the bathroom

No, seriously. I need to go to bathroom. It's a common problem we all have. I mean who wants to take time out of their day to sit on a porcelain chair or stand in front of a porcelain vending machine with a handle? I don't. I mean it's nice they put up those privacy walls and all, but I mean really, I have a lot better shit (ha!ha!-pun intended) I'd rather be doing. So here's the thing, after my 152nd Grande Latte from Starbucks, sometimes I have to take a leak. And yes, women can take leaks too. But fuck, it seems that even performing biological functions have become a god damn controversy and political debate. Look, I don't give a FUCK who is in the bathroom with me. You know why? Because never, not ever, in all of my years of going to the fucking bathroom has anyone tried to molest me in the bathroom or shown me their junk in the bathroom. Does this happen? Probably, but not to me and probably not to you. You know what will make bathrooms safer? Don't fucking have any. Just having a fucking room with a changing table for babies, because well, they have no control over that shit, literally. Everyone else, fuck you and do what your parents taught you when you were little "go before we leave". I mean seriously? Think about how ridiculous this is. You're worried about who is going to the bathroom with you. The place you piss and shit and then leave. Do you really think that if someone wanted to molest or rape you they would let a little thing like the gender sign on a bathroom door stop them? Is there a fucking police officer in the bathroom with you? (I mean in prison, sure, but not normally) Are you really that ignorant to believe that transgenders or homosexuals are waiting for the opportunity to expose themselves or molest you or your children while in the fucking bathroom at Target? They leave that shit to fucking closeted sick fucks like the Senator from Minnesota (not gay or transgender by the way) and Jared from Subway.  Look, you mother fuckers are taking this shit waaayyy too seriously. You get on your fucking religious stump about how you don't want your children exposed to this or that or God said this or that. Let me fucking explain this to you really slowly so you understand. The LGBT community is just like every other community on this planet, they don't want to bother you, and they don't want you to bother them, period.  I actually heard something that made complete sense to me and of all places on a TV show I was watching, the horrible sinning homosexual said "Why do people not ask me about my beliefs? I am a Christian too. I believe in God and God's laws." Great fucking question. You may not believe this, but I'm actually not an activist for LGBT or for anything specific for that matter. You know what I am an activist for? You minding your own fucking business about what every fucking body else is doing that your God, your Bible and your fucking ignorance doesn't like or doesn't agree with. If you keep this segregating bullshit up, pretty soon you're going to be on the outside of that fucking little inner circle you love so much. It's going to be you and your kids that can't use the fucking bathroom anymore. So keep not going to Target, more shit for me and fewer lines in the bathroom. Keep up your bullshit and one day you'll be wishing that I would write a blog post for you and your "kind" to bring awareness to your plight. And you know, even though you're an ignorant asshole, I will probably do it because that's the kind of person I am. So please excuse me while I go to the bathroom.... that Starbucks just runs right through me. 

Fuck my Fitbit... Judgmental bitch.

I have a love/hate relationship with my health and my body overall. I love to fill my body full of shit that I love to eat and hate that my body gets fat when I do that. Like I said, love/hate. So, I recently had a big life event and I needed to get in shape, quickly... Because of course my other love/hate relationship (to tell the truth, love/hate pretty much defines ALL of my relationships, I am a fickle bitch) is with time. So of course procrastination is my middle name. Anyway, making this long post longer, let me just say that I decided to pick me up a little helper, you know an encourager, a motivator to get my two tons of fun back into shape. It was like a match made in heaven at first. Fitbit told me how many miles my fat ass would have to walk to lose the weight I wanted to and at first she was cool. Sending me smiley faces and badges and telling me how awesome I was at sleeping! She buzzed on my wrist whenever I hit my "goal" of 10,000 steps. Like a pretend little vibrator just for my wrist. It was like she was the long lost sister I never wanted. But then shit turned, she turned. As time went on, shit started getting real with this piece of technology. And of course, whenever something is judgmental, it must be female. If you don't agree, fuck you, you're probably a chick and you just proved my point. She would send me emails now with fucking sad faces telling me how "inactive" I had been during the week and what my "worst" day was. WTF bitch, you don't KNOW me like that. How do you know what my worst day is? Were you there? I mean you're on my wrist, but you weren't there. Then she tried to publicly shame me by telling me how many steps my friends were taking and what badges they were getting. It was like I wasn't good enough for her anymore. Now I wasn't getting enough hours of sleep or I wasn't active enough during her hand picked 9 hours of the day. Bitch, maybe I was taking pole dancing classes at night for exercise and couldn't get "active" during your favorite 9 hours of the day. That's not what happened, but it COULD have. (Funny story actually). So now I am starting to see the trend here with this chick. Praise at first to get me sucked in and wanting to please her and then just push me down for her amusement. I know the game. I know what you're thinking, Jennifer, it's not a real thing. It's an overrated watch that counts your fucking steps. And you'd be right, except for you're not. Shit was getting real and I needed to show Fitbit who was in charge. I didn't need her approval. I didn't need her badges anymore. "Badges, we don't need no stinking badges".... So, I showed her. I proceeded to gain back the 18 lbs I lost. And surely didn't need her help to do that! I showed her who was in charge. I was so inactive it was disgusting. I slept less than 5 hours a night because I was being so inactive. Yep, that was me putting Fitbit in her place. Eating what I wanted and not logging it into her stupid app. She still buzzed on my wrist, but only when someone was calling me. And I swear the other day I thought I saw "Fat Loser" go across the caller ID screen, but that couldn't be....Fitbit still loved me, didn't she? Didn't she want me to be healthy anymore? Didn't she want to help me give my friends the middle finger by walking more steps then they did, even if it was me walking laps around my kitchen? So now what? Well I am back to my fat weight and now I need my Fitbit. Help me Fitbit, help me. 
Fuck you though, don't judge me. 

Once and again....

Not a super sentimental type of human here, but there are some things that do bring it out in me. Anything to do with my kids can cause a warm and fuzzy moment and of course the love of my life. Sigh, it is true what they say, it is definitely different the second time around. The are so many reasons why. You're older, wiser, I think the second time you feel like it's an actual choice instead of anything else. I know for all of you one-timers, you just don't get it. How can you possibly ever consider loving anyone but the one you're with? Well, the answer isn't a simple or easy one, but suffice to say, things happen for a reason. I had always told people that after my divorce I would probably never get married again, and I believed it. I figured, tried it once, didn't go my way, move on. Kind of like what I imagine going to a Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift concert is like. You tried it because you heard all the hype and hoped for the best but in the end it cost too much, took too long and you really could have just passed altogether. But then, cliche, cliche, cliche and Mr Right and soulmate and blah blah blah. I took the plunge. I remarried (queue the horror movie scream). I actually despise that word "remarried". It implies that you did something again for the sake of doing it again. Retry, restart, reboot, etc. What I should have said was that I got married, again. Although really, I don't think my relationships need a qualifier. Like when I get pissed off at my friends and don't talk to them, I don't "refriend" them. I just say we're friends again. Anyhow, you get the point. I also didn't think that when I decided to get married it would be a big affair, but it was. Well, at least to us it was. Did we get to invite everyone we wanted to? Nope. Did we spend the "budgeted" amount (as my husband rolls on the floor in fake appendicitis like pain)? Nope. Did I absolutely love the wedding planning aspect? FUCK no! But would we do it all over again? Absolutely to the tenth power. I could write a whole other post on the drama that is a wedding, but that's not what this post is about. It's about doing something you thought wasn't for you, again. Having the fairy tale ending. I am happy to say that I did and I do! Most of the people that read my blog are friends and they do it because when I see the counter on my blog go up I feel important. For those of you that weren't there at the wedding to share the moment with us for whatever the reason (you RSVP'd but didn't show up, you weren't invited, or fuck, I just don't fucking know you) I am pasting my part of the vows at the end of this post. While vows are somewhat personal, I just wanted to share what this moment meant to me, regardless of whether it was my first time or 152nd time, this is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with and this time I am 99% sure (LOL). Nobody does I do better than we do!


I decided to approach writing my vows like I would write one of my blogs. That is to say, with passion and humor. I mean, if we both didn't have a sense of humor, we wouldn't be standing up here now would we? I can't describe in words our journey. It's a simple story really, boy meets girl, girl overlooks the fact that boy is a Lakers fan.  It sounds corny and cliche, but an absolute truth. I don't know that I can say it was love at first sight, but I can say that when I realized what it was, the word Love didn't seem to do it justice. All of the ideas I had of love seemed to pale in comparison to what I was feeling and feel now.  Someone asked me how I knew it was the "real thing". And the only answer I could come up with was that I finally stopped looking. You know that feeling of constant searching for the next best thing, the next "one". It stopped when I met you. I couldn't remember the times before you or imagine a future without you in it. You make me feel like the sun rises above my head and the stars shine just for me. The best part is knowing that you will be the last thing I see before I go to bed and the first thing I see when I wake up. In traditional vows it references being together for better or worse and through good times and bad. To come through what we have and still have the energy and desire to be where we are is a testament to our feelings and commitment to each other. So more than anything what I'd like to say to you is that I, Jennifer Michele, take you Julio Alexander in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in championship and non-championship years until the very last day I take my very last breath on this planet, in this wonderful lifetime that I have been so very very fortunate to have found you in and shared my life with. You are my moon and my stars, the Jack to my Sally, and I  love you.

Where the f*** are your manners?

Ugh...every time I go to write a post like this, it reminds me of how much I sound like my Nona (grandma for you "American" people). Where are your manners? Unlike me, my Nona wasn't a big F bomb dropper, so yeah there's that.  I never thought I would long for the days of that stick-up-her-ass Emily Post and her fucking etiquette (pretty ironic right?) So, my theory is that because everyone has become such a passive aggressive douche nozzle since the advent of social media, we are going to have to lay some of the blame there. Now you know I am not ever in favor of pawning off your responsibility on others, but I am making an exception here. Mostly because the majority of people are fucking ignorant and therefore, they don't even know that they have no manners. The biggest transgression I find is what people believe is okay to say or ask to another live human being. People are too accustomed to being behind the keyboard, venting their frustrations with no consequences or push back and then walking away. NOT real life asshole. In real life if you ask a stupid fucking question or make a stupid fucking remark, you either get told the fuck off or knocked the fuck out. There are some in-betweens, but you know me, I am an extremist at heart. (Insert smiley face here). Unfortunately it doesn't just stop there. People are raising asshole kids with no manners as well. I have a term for little kids who ask without saying please or thank you, regardless of sex, you're Demanda. And in my house, Demanda gets a big fat FUCK YOU!!

I come across this not only in my personal life, but in my professional life as well. (Yes, I have a professional life, and no it's not professional asshole). I don't want to go into the gender inequality of these comments because that would be a whole other post, but seriously, people asked some fucked up shit and make some fucked up comment and then brush it off like nothing. Whatever happened to that saying that your Nona used to tell you "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.". People need to run that shit through their head before they open their fucking mouths. Verbal inappropriateness is just the tip of the iceberg. Now written bad manners (or cyberspace bad manners) are even worse. When there are no eyes to look into or consequence of physical harm, people get pretty fucking ballsy. It has even become a thing when you take it too far "trolling". Seriously?

Now the most important part. It is never okay to demand anything from anyone. I don't care if they are a stranger or related to you. You always HAVE to (notice I didn't say should) say Please and Thank you at the very least. Be the better person and show respect for yourself and for your upbringing. I don't care if the waitress just served you a steaming pile of shit, you say thank you.
And if you want something, even if you're paying for it, you always ask with please. If the world functioned this way, we'd be in a lot better shape. I mean there have been plenty of times where I've asked can you please shut the fuck up? And then am too happy to say You're fucking welcome when someone has taken the time to say thank you. See how nice that is?

And your kids, for pete's sake your kids. Don't raise little douche bags. You know what happens to kid douche bags? Well, I either pimp slap them and we all end up on a TV show OR (and this one is most likely) they grow up to be adult douche bags. Don't have your kid at my house disrespecting me or my shit. Don't make me tell your kid to get their shit together. That's what you gave birth to the little snot dripper for. When my kids were little, they knew the consequences of acting like little douche bags. So they waited for me to leave, and then they did it. Problem solved.

And lastly, social situations require tact and manners for ALL. If someone invites you to a social function, the polite thing is to respond. And a text or email to a mailed invitation is NOT a fucking response you lazy millenial acting piece of shit.  If you don't want to go, don't, but at least tell them you're not coming. Along with financial considerations, there is a lot of thought that goes into a social function believe it or not, from the backyard BBQ to the gala wedding. And for the love of the universe, SHOW UP ON TIME. There is nothing worse than someone entering during the middle of a rite of passage, religious function or gasp...wedding vows. Don't get me wrong, in my reckless youth, I was guilty of such transgressions, but as I got older and wiser (I mean not that much older) I learned quickly. And also, electronic devices have no fucking place at a social function unless the hosts have okayed it. There is nothing worse than a ringing cell phone, some asshole acting like Ansel Adams with their fucking ipad or any such nonsense. And, if you are going to use the devic

e as a babysitter for your kid, silence that shit. I get it, kids are assholes during social events, but manage that shit, start teaching them manners NOW.

Thank you for listening. (see not that hard).

Merry Fucking Christmas 2015......The Year in Review

Sigh...another year. I always start out meaning to get more blog posts in and then well, life happens. You know that shit in between waking up and going to bed? Well, not necessarily shit, but you know what I mean. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But seriously, every year has ups and downs doesn't it? I guess the trick is to make the best of the good times and wade your way through the shit times and hope that you learned a lesson and not repeat them. I mean some of the shit you have no control over and other shit is pretty much your own fucking stupidity. I am always thankful for having great family and friends and try to tell them when I can. I always say that if you didn't laugh a little and cry a little you didn't live a little. There were many laughs, I am lucky enough to have a partner in life that makes me laugh until I pee my pants. Plus, my kids are pretty fucking hilarious whether they mean to be or not. There were tears as well some for joy but mostly for sadness. There was loss and struggle, but in the end we all came through okay.  And our friends, well let's say it's never a dull moment. I am not one of those flowery, let's all join hands and blah blah blah kind of people. I will say that I continue to strive for the non-commercialization of Christmas (see past blog posts entitled Merry Fucking Christmas 2014), but none of you fuckers ever listen to me. You only listen to social media and try and best each other by taking the "perfect" E-Christmas Card to post to your FB page, or the perfect selfie. The fact that that fucking word is in the dictionary, confirms my belief that people are stupid fucking assholes. Last year I listed what I wanted for Christmas, and as I reviewed the list, I realized I didn't get a single fucking thing I asked for. Some of it actually GOT WORSE...WTF?

That was my Merry Fucking Christmas rant. Now comes the year in review. And whoa Nellie what a fucking year it was. I mean for me personally, I feel like this year couldn't be done fast enough. It wasn't that it was necessarily a "bad" year per se, it was just a blah year. Not much happened to advance our lives in any significant way and I feel like we learned less. But that's what next year's are for, right?

But for the collective "us" (human beings) it was a fuck of a year.
Some crazy bitch in a backwards hillbilly town decided not to issue marriage certificates to gay people, because her religion doesn't condone it. Why do people have such a hard time remembering the separation of church and state? Is the concept that difficult? Not to mention, if your religion is teaching you to hate or not tolerate a certain group of people, you're fucking doing it wrong.

We have the absolute WORST crop of presidential candidates in the history of presidential candidates. A loud mouth fucking crazy person, a lying, cheating scandalous woman (I was being politically correct right there) and a guy so fucking liberal that I feel like if he could sign over my paycheck to welfare recipients it would happen. I would say get out there and vote, but fuck, it's going to be a tough one. Unless of course, you want to write in my name! :)

I won't even comment beyond this on the entertainment industry (I use the word entertainment very loosely here) some fucktards gave a fucking man who is still a fucking man, the woman of the year award. This man's family perpetrates whoring, lies and taking advantage of children for profit. While this sounds like the plot of a movie about a small country in Africa's dictator, it's real fucking life.
Disgusting.


I would love to tell you the next year is going to be better, but I can't. What I can tell you is that YOU can be better next year. Sounds corny and cliché, but if we all thought that way, what a place the world would be. To all of my friends and family I wish you a love filled holiday season and the most prosperous of New Year's. To everyone else, the same, but a little less love. (wink wink), I mean I don't know you that well.

Life (and Facebook) needs a Dislike button

If you're like me (we all have to have dreams) you come across a lot of stupid shit during the course of the day. A lot of stuff where you're like WTF was that? BUT....because we just had a visit from the Pope, everyone is all on their best behavior, no cursing, no judging, blah blah blah. Whatever, he seems like a chill papal dude, so I'm not going to worry about it. (I know this part about the Pope seemed really random, but I felt like if I didn't mention it, my Nona would come back from the grave and haunt me)
Anyhow, my point, yes I have one. I think that Facebook most certainly needs a Dislike button and even though they are too "politically correct" to give us what we fucking want, I think life needs a Dislike button. I mean, think about this. If you could carry around a method to express your displeasure with things, without really verbalizing it or seeming too "judgy" wouldn't that just make your fucking day? Come on, you know it would. It would be like a present day Gong Show, (and fuck you if you don't know what the Gong Show is/was) except with a Dislike button. I would be fine if the button didn't even make any noise, if it just kind of hovered over your head like those cartoon dialogue bubbles do. Like I said, no verbalizing your Dislike of the subject matter, but people will know where you stand.
There really is no down side to this, because even if you are for some stupid reason confronted by some fucking moron on your Dislike, you can just feign ignorance. "What is that you say? My Dislike button is on? You don't say? My Bad". See, it solves ALL of the world's problems. Really, all of them. You know exactly where everyone stands on things, you get to express yourself on EVERY subject possible should you so choose, AND, you can really be like your own little portable social network. I have put a lot of thought into this, and by a lot, I mean the car ride back from the supermarket by my house, and this could really be helpful in business situations as well. How many times have you been in a conference room and wondered what everyone is thinking during your presentation? With the Dislike button, you know and can just cut it short and make it a half work day. Time saver!
And imagine the entertainment industry with the Dislike button. If you thought TSwift's Twitter wars were epic, can you even imagine the feuds this puppy would cause? Tots McGots!!! 

I know you are probably wondering how it is I continue to come up with these socially aware, life changing and mostly EPIC concepts, and my only answer is, it's a gift. So instead of pasting that stupid shit disclaimer that doesn't mean SHIT....paste this instead. I feel like after he finishes with the Hypeloop, Elon Musk is going to have some free time. He can come up with something to make this work.
And Mark Zuckerberg this is what I think of your new stupid buttons: DISLIKE

Tim Tebow shouldn't be in the NFL

I know what you're thinking, yes I do. Let me very loudly and proudly proclaim that I HEART Tim Tebow. I am not a Tim Tebow hater, never have been, never will be. I was fan number 1 from the first moment that Urban Meyer put him in as a back up to Chris Leak (bet you don't even know who that is). I was in love as soon as I heard he was home schooled by his ultra religious parents. I was in love because he was different. He wasn't raised with that kill or be killed mentality. He was genuinely a good kid.

For those of you who aren't sports enthusiasts or big football fans, let me just say that Tim Tebow's college career was the equivalent of winning the Lottery and then managing to keep ALL of the money you won and make even more. A Heisman trophy, 2 national championships and he managed to stay scandal free during the whole time. Not arrested for theft, or rape, heck he even went to class and graduated with his degree, in four years. Pretty impressive for a super star in college. While I will not argue his athletic prowess with people, because I feel that they can't remain objective, and honestly, neither can I. I will say that his passing mechanics could use some work, but for crying out loud the kid was benching like 300 lbs in college, you can't tell me it's his arm strength. I could go on and on about how just based on size, strength, weight and intelligence he is really a perfect athlete. But, his athletic abilities (or lack thereof) have nothing to do with why he shouldn't be in the NFL.

Tim Tebow doesn't belong in the NFL for some very fundamental reasons. The first and foremost being he is a good person. I know, you're going to say that there are other good people in the NFL, but none of them are super stars. Trust me. Tim Tebow puts his religious values in your face by "Tebowing" in the end zone. They made a "Tebow rule" stating that you couldn't write anything on your face paint anymore. In a day and age where the public LOVES to place their heroes on a pedestal only to watch them fall far and fast, Tim Tebow isn't going to fall. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that he is the perfect person, because he's not. But he continually displays professionalism, ethics and an all around good attitude no matter what cards he is dealt. In a time where the NFL is the one of the largest professional organizations with the most felons per capita Tim Tebow is still tithing a portion of his salary to his church. The recent allegations against people like Ray Rice are only coming to light in the day and age when anyone with a cell phone can capture video evidence of wrong doings. This has been going on for years, and only now is the public focused on it.

Look, don't take away that I'm saying that everyone in the NFL is a drug user, a cheater, a rapist, a murderer or a domestic violence offender. I am saying that Tim Tebow is too good for the NFL. The NFL would be a stain on his reputation. When you ask people why they "hate" Tim Tebow, they come up with the most asinine responses in the world. From, I don't like the way he looks, to he just sucks. Real original. The NFL isn't ready for a player/person like Tim Tebow. I am not saying that he was let go because of that, but think about this, if he really has mechanics issues or he just needs some "tweaking" of his throwing motion, why aren't more teams willing to invest in him and get those things fixed? Why? Because he can only draw so many people into the stadium with his "can do" attitude. After that, it's about the deflate gates, the domestic violence issues, the "come back player" of the year (which is sometimes coming back from drug abuse...ridiculous) the waiting to see if that guy can be just as good as he was before and if not, have my bat ready to knock him down a few notches. Whether you want to believe it or not, Americans LOVE to see people fail. It makes them feel better about themselves, sad but true story.

So, while I am disappointed as a fan that I probably won't get to see Tim Tebow take another NFL snap, I am hopeful that he will rise to his full potential in whatever field he chooses next. Whether that be commentating, a business venture, coaching, or whatever. So you can keep on watching those cheaters in the Northeast, those "bad boys" out West, I will continue to root for Tim Tebow in whatever he does, wherever he chooses to do it. I HEART Tim Tebow!!!

I identify as a human being......

Ugh... here they go again. "They" are making me write a serious post instead of fucking around like I loovvveee to do! Fuckers. Unless you've been living under a rock there have been some seriously fucked up things going on in the world. And no I'm not talking about the attention whores, I am talking about serious shit. The Pope, the fucking Pope (forgive me Catholic nut jobs) said we better stop fucking around or the Earth is going to fucking DIE. The city of Los Angeles inexplicably decided to pay people who work at jobs that aren't meant to support a family of 5, $15 per hour. The TSA sucks at their fucking jobs. Some fucktards announced they were running for President. The fucking FBI is spying on you from planes disguised as commercial airlines and oh yeah, the fucking Patriot Act expired and the government sneakily passed some this that makes the Patriot look like your 6 year-old wrote it. I could go on, but I think you are getting the point, at least I hope you are.

The bottom line here is this, our society is probably more fucked up than it has been in the last 152 years, seriously. The American public (I can't necessarily leave out the rest of the world, but they aren't as guilty as we are, trust me) was summarily distracted from some significant goings on by some irrelevant former Olympic athlete who was married to the mother of the biggest family of attention whores on the planet who won a gold medal in 19 fucking 76. WTF? 1976 and did you know he lost the first fucking time he competed in 1972, didn't even medal. However I digress, who the fuck decided that anyone on the fucking planet needed to know about how this person decided to live their life? I know I don't give two fucks about him/her. I know a few people who are transgender and they decided to keep it EXTREMELY personal, not because they were ashamed but because it's nobody else's fucking business how they live their lives. I am sorry people, but I don't find Androgynous Bruce/Caitlyn to be brave at all. I find this person to be a shameful attention whore. If you're so dedicated to a cause, donate time, donate money, don't fucking do a fucking Barbara Walters special about it. Fuck you and your fucking family, you're all a bunch of pandering, self-obsessed, attentions whores. I identify as someone who has decided that this is the last time I will mention this unbelievable shit and now refuse to watch Barbara Walters or buy a copy of Vanity Fair EVER (Not that I did either thing before...but you get my point).

For the second greatest distraction of the last couple of days...that fucking idiot in the Pacific Northwest (why is it a region and not a specific state??) Seriously, again, who the fuck cares about which ethnic identity this person decides to "identify with". Did she bilk any other people out of money because she claimed she was African-American when she wasn't? Did she kill anyone and blame it on black people? Before today did anyone even fucking give a flying fuck what this woman did, where she worked or what causes she supported? At least she wasn't fucking killing people, torturing people (by the way, while you were distracted with all this shit the CIA was accused AGAIN of torturing people in Guantanamo...pretty convenient how these stories keep popping up, huh?) Look, obviously this woman has some psychological issues, but who doesn't? If we interviewed all of your family members or co-workers I bet there'd be a fucking front page story in People magazine about what a sick fuck you are.

If you know me or have read my blog, you know I don't like excuses. I don't like people not taking responsibility for their actions or for who they are. This fucking new phrase "I identify with..." is the next bullshit excuse for people to start doing some fucked up shit. If you buy into it, if you pay attention to it, if you discuss it, you are part of the epidemic. I am deeply offended as a person when people are choosing to identify these people as heroes or villains. Come on, wake the fuck up. Heroes save peoples lives, heroes go in when everyone else is running out, heroes identify as fucking heroes, period. Villains kill people, villains hurt people and children, villains identify as villains. If we don't learn to start identifying and recognizing the real shit instead of the bullshit we are doomed to live our lives in a comic book, and not one with a happy ending.

I identify as a woman, a wife, a mother and as a fucking human being. How about you?