An Open Letter to my Children

Besides being a crazy woman, a career woman, a small business owner, an outrageously talented blogger, a sports fan, an awesome friend, an amazing wife, you get the picture, I am a Mom. Yes, the "M" word. I have been a Mom for going on 25 years now. It's funny because it's not like I dreamed of having kids when I was little. Completely the opposite in fact. I told my Grandmother when I was 16 that I was probably never going to get married and was definitely not having kids, and if I did, it would be through artificial insemination via a donor from the sperm bank. She looked me dead in the eye and asked if I was a lesbian. True story.  But here I am now, three kids, a step-kid and on my second marriage. Talk about best laid plans... I am literally laughing out loud as I type that. Anyhow, my kids have all passed the age that I was when I first became a Mom and sometimes the mood strikes me I send them text messages or have "family meetings" (their favorite) to remind them that they are not ready to be parents any time soon. These texts and meetings usually involve them staring at me in horror and me rolling on the floor laughing. What are you going to do?

It's a funny funny world we live in now a days (I sound like my Nona...) and I wonder how they are going to get through it sometimes. How are they going to know what to do and when to do it? Who is going to tell them how to make Easter baskets and pretend to be Santa Claus and even though you may want to punch some kid in the face, letting their kids fight their own battles? And then it hit me, I mean I always knew it deep down, but I am NEVER going to stop being their Mom. FUUCCKKK... I didn't sign up for this long of a haul. What the fuck? It is my job to keep teaching them until the fucking day I day and even probably then I will be giving direction as to what to do next. I joke, I use sarcasm, but if you don't feel that way and you have kids, please reevaluate your life choices and if you don't have kids yet, please continue down that path. I am the most serious I can be when I say that this is a lifelong commitment. Fuck good times and bad, you don't have time to distinguish between the two and it all runs together until you get a moment to take a breath and look back and it's all over. Sounds sad, I know, but fuck what an adventure. So, even though I'm not dying or anything (at least not today) I thought I would impart some lasting wisdom on these little fuckers (who aren't so little anymore) before I set out on my next adventure, so here goes an open letter to my spawn (biological and otherwise)

Dear Spawn,

You may not have always understood why I did the things I did, but I understood, and it was for your own good. Could I have been less dramatic or even lowered my voice, probably, but what fun would that have been and would it have really left that much of an impression on you? If there is anything I can tell you about raising kids and having a family is that you cannot take yourself or anything too seriously. I remember stressing about what outfits you were going to wear on each holiday and taking the perfect picture and putting up the perfect decorations. But you know what I realized?  You were too little to notice and you only remembered how you FELT during those times, and who was there and not much else. Fuck, for Christmas one year someone wanted a Barbie dream house, got it and the proceeded to play with the fucking box for two hours before even looking at the damn thing.
However, I am getting ahead of myself. Before anything else, try and find a job you love doing and if you can't find that, that at least something you can tolerate or something that allows you time to do something you love. A lifetime of misery due to work is no fun. Oh, and make sure it pays enough to keep you in your OWN house. Choose a partner that completes you and doesn't define you. Stand on your own, always have your own money for emergencies and always know that you survived long before they were in your life and you will most definitely survive (if need be) without them in your life. You will however, not survive without your Mother. Because I will hunt you down and take you out. Seriously. You recall my favorite saying during your childhood? "I brought you into this world and I will damn sure take you out". Children are not for everyone, but they are forever. Whatever you choose (or don't choose)  I wish for you that your kids pull the absolute dumb fuckery shenanigans that you pulled as kids. I hope that your kids lose all of their fucking shoes every time you are about to leave the house. I hope that every relative you know gives them 152 pounds of candy for Easter and Halloween and that they receive the noisiest most annoying toys for Christmas gifts. I hope they test your patience during school days and decide that "sweating is not for them" in the middle of a soccer game. I hope they decide that they don't give a shit about school and then beg for your help the day before their projects are due. I hope they tell you that Grandma's house is way more fun than your house. I hope that every friend they pick is an absolute asshole and they invite them over every fucking opportunity they get. I hope that they decide that curfews are an option and you never get a good night's sleep from the day they are born. I hope they decide that they want to go the most expensive far away college they can find, only to return a year later. But truly what I wish for you in life is that if you decide to have children that they bring you the joy and love that you have all brought and continue to bring to my life on a daily basis. And I hope you are one tenth as good of a parent as I am fuckers! As always, your loving Mother.