Fuck my Fitbit... Judgmental bitch.

I have a love/hate relationship with my health and my body overall. I love to fill my body full of shit that I love to eat and hate that my body gets fat when I do that. Like I said, love/hate. So, I recently had a big life event and I needed to get in shape, quickly... Because of course my other love/hate relationship (to tell the truth, love/hate pretty much defines ALL of my relationships, I am a fickle bitch) is with time. So of course procrastination is my middle name. Anyway, making this long post longer, let me just say that I decided to pick me up a little helper, you know an encourager, a motivator to get my two tons of fun back into shape. It was like a match made in heaven at first. Fitbit told me how many miles my fat ass would have to walk to lose the weight I wanted to and at first she was cool. Sending me smiley faces and badges and telling me how awesome I was at sleeping! She buzzed on my wrist whenever I hit my "goal" of 10,000 steps. Like a pretend little vibrator just for my wrist. It was like she was the long lost sister I never wanted. But then shit turned, she turned. As time went on, shit started getting real with this piece of technology. And of course, whenever something is judgmental, it must be female. If you don't agree, fuck you, you're probably a chick and you just proved my point. She would send me emails now with fucking sad faces telling me how "inactive" I had been during the week and what my "worst" day was. WTF bitch, you don't KNOW me like that. How do you know what my worst day is? Were you there? I mean you're on my wrist, but you weren't there. Then she tried to publicly shame me by telling me how many steps my friends were taking and what badges they were getting. It was like I wasn't good enough for her anymore. Now I wasn't getting enough hours of sleep or I wasn't active enough during her hand picked 9 hours of the day. Bitch, maybe I was taking pole dancing classes at night for exercise and couldn't get "active" during your favorite 9 hours of the day. That's not what happened, but it COULD have. (Funny story actually). So now I am starting to see the trend here with this chick. Praise at first to get me sucked in and wanting to please her and then just push me down for her amusement. I know the game. I know what you're thinking, Jennifer, it's not a real thing. It's an overrated watch that counts your fucking steps. And you'd be right, except for you're not. Shit was getting real and I needed to show Fitbit who was in charge. I didn't need her approval. I didn't need her badges anymore. "Badges, we don't need no stinking badges".... So, I showed her. I proceeded to gain back the 18 lbs I lost. And surely didn't need her help to do that! I showed her who was in charge. I was so inactive it was disgusting. I slept less than 5 hours a night because I was being so inactive. Yep, that was me putting Fitbit in her place. Eating what I wanted and not logging it into her stupid app. She still buzzed on my wrist, but only when someone was calling me. And I swear the other day I thought I saw "Fat Loser" go across the caller ID screen, but that couldn't be....Fitbit still loved me, didn't she? Didn't she want me to be healthy anymore? Didn't she want to help me give my friends the middle finger by walking more steps then they did, even if it was me walking laps around my kitchen? So now what? Well I am back to my fat weight and now I need my Fitbit. Help me Fitbit, help me. 
Fuck you though, don't judge me.