We are all going to hell on a sled.

Having said that, I actually don't believe in hell. Hell is here and now, hell is what you do to yourself and the limitations and boundaries you place on yourself. However, if there were a magical land of fire and brimstone where all the"bad" people go for their sins.. then trust me, we would all be there. As I make my daily observations of these people we call humans on this planet we call Earth I wonder how we make it through the day at all. I think about the things that used to be taboo that are now everyday occurrences and the things that people used to do everyday that would be considered poor form today. In this era of what they call "social media" everyone has an opinion and they can express it, immediately, publicly and without fear of confrontation or retribution. Political careers are started and demolished in social media. Music careers are launched from YouTube now. All you have to have is a phone with a camera and video functionality and you too can be the next "big thing". I wonder in all of this madness what happened to us? Sure progress, technology, advancements in medical science all of that is inevitable and mostly for the positive, but have we become so jaded in our "advancements" have we forgot to be us, the human us? Get on an elevator now a days and what do you see? 90% of the people with their heads tilted down looking at their phones. Nobody makes eye contact, nobody greets their neighbor anymore. If I were the supreme being I can think of a few things that I would condemn humans to eternal damnation for. And as always, I have conveniently put them in a list format for you to easily follow along. I know, no thanks required. 

I can't say this enough, Reality TV. The creators should go first, but then all of us go behind them. And YES, Housewives of whatever fucking city you are watching is reality TV. 

Creators of and contributors to Social Media. The very idea that you can besmirch someone with a few keystrokes is progressive and diabolical all at once. We as humans are not ready for this type of responsibility and the never a care attitude we have about it proves as much. If you need any more proof, there was a Facebook page for someone trying to "sell" their child. I am not joking. 

People using religion as an excuse for everything from guns, marriage, sexual orientation to blowing a bunch of innocent people up. I can guarantee you that there is no deity (if deities existed) that would condone people arming themselves just because, using marriage as an excuse to discriminate (A RELIGIOUS institution-don't get me started), and murdering non-believers as part of it's basic principles. In the name of (insert appropriate deity here) you are banished to hell. 

People taking 9 hours to order your ice cream, frozen yogurt, whatever the fuck when there is a line of people out the door. You've had 22 hours to make a decision. The fucking ice cream looks the same up close as it did from 2 feet away. Stop being an attention whore, make your selection and keep it moving. Sheesh!

People pushing the elevator button when it's already lit. WTF? It's lit, pushing it more than once doesn't make it come any faster asshole. Have some fucking patience and common sense. Oh, and wait until ALL the people get out of the elevator before your impatient ass jumps in. Hell: level 2

People that feel compelled to tell you EXACTLY how they are doing when you ask this benign, rhetorical question. FUUUCCKKK. I don't care that your dog died, your kid graduated from Kindergarten or that you have a nagging case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The word "Fine" was invented for a reason.

Asshole drivers. This includes, not using your turn signal, cutting people off, driving too fast, driving too slow, driving in the emergency lane during a traffic jam, and basically whatever you do to piss me off while we are "sharing" the road. 

Clowns. Enough said. Eww..just got a shiver. 

The ex (either girlfriend or boyfriend) of your current partner that is just so friendly. Like they broke up in high school but have stayed "friends". (That's just code for ongoing booty call when they were single or bored). And they just want to be your "friend". WTF? I need more friends like I need a hole in the head. Nobody wants to hear what their fucking current partner did when they were with someone else. Nobody likes to reminisce. Shut the fuck up and get a life. 

Oprah. I mean if ANYone on the planet deserves to go to hell more than Oprah, I can't imagine who it would be. We are going to find out during the apocalypse that she has been an agent for Satan the whole time. You wait....

People who suggest, organize and/or participate in work pot lucks. This is a special kind of nastiness that I can't EVEN begin to describe. If you want to feed your family leftovers then have at it. 

Movie stars who ACTUALLY believe their opinion is worth more than a piece of shit. Seriously. It's acting. It's not brain surgery. You are not actually DOING anything. Most people learn to do it by age 2 and it's known in its more refined art form as LYING! Becoming an actor doesn't automatically make you a political expert, a philanthropist, a smart person or even mean that people LIKE you. It means that people are lemmings and are bored with their own lives and you happen to most likely be moderately attractive so they fantasize about having your life. 

People who schedule "play dates" for their kids. What the fuck is this shit? Scheduling a play date. Your fucking kid isn't an executive. It's a kid. Take them to the park, let them play with other kids and voila, play date, crisis avoided. Sheesh....fucking ridiculous. 

People who use their fingers for air quotes. I just seriously want to punch them in the face. 

People who conveniently forget that they were shitty in their past and want you to act like it never happened so they can live a happy life. Look, I'm all about forgive but NEVER forget. WTF? You were a raging whore and now we are all supposed to forget that you gave the entire Senior class an STD because you are at the reunion with your husband? FUCK that. (Famous people with this complex: Madonna, Cher and Tom Cruise)

I mean sure, I could have listed the usual suspects, murderers, your step parent, that creepy uncle nobody talks about or lets you be alone with, etc. but what fun would that be? 

Resolutions, schmezolutions.....

Happy New Year and all that jazz, kinda late I know. We all survived the apocalypse and have made our way into 2013, a "new" year, a time to start fresh. There is one thing that I have never understood though, why make resolutions? What exactly are they for? I mean who are you fooling when you promise to make your life infinitely better by saving money or losing weight or hanging out with your friends more? You're not fooling me I tell you. I mean, my first resolution was to get things done more timely and well, here's my New Year's blog on the close to eve of St. Patrick's Day.  What are you gonna do? I understand the premise that we need a kick in the pants to get ourselves on track, but really, declaring publicly your intentions makes no sense to me. Are you trying to shame yourself into getting these things done? 

I have taken the liberty of decoding some of the more popular resolutions and what they REALLY mean and WHY people really made them. 

* I am going to live healthier and exercise more. 
What this really means: I am going to join a gym which will suck my bank      account dry from now until eternity, check in at the gym a couple times on Facebook to fool people into thinking that I am actually getting myself in shape. I am going to try the newest "fad" diet or cleanse and then give up as soon as someone offers me anything with sugar in it. 
Why I made this resolution: Because I am overweight and lazy. And next year and the year after that I will make the same resolution and will never lose weight. *I may lose weight with the existence of an upcoming important social event, but will gain it all back shortly thereafter.

* I am going to be financially prudent with my money and save more money.
What this really means: I am in debt to my eyeballs. 
Why I made this resolution: To give people the illusion that I care about being fiscally prudent. And because the other day at Nordstroms they actually cut up more than one of my credit cards. 

* I am going to spend more time with my friends. 
What this really means: I have been blissfully ignoring all of my friends and with a potential crisis on the horizon, I need some friends.
Why I made this resolution: I feel that my significant other and I may be on shaky ground and I am going to need a support system pretty soon. OR, I am unemployed and need someone to pay for my social outings. OR, I just broke up with my significant other and am looking for a friend with benefits! 

* I am going to travel more this year.
What this really means: I have joined the ranks of "Funemployment" (look it up, it will piss you off) OR I am coming up on a landmark birthday and don't want to be in town to celebrate it. 
Why I made this resolution: See above. 

* I am going to get more organized this year.
What this really means: I am so out of control that I showed up for a wedding that happened on the same date last year. 
Why I made this resolution: All of my friends have complained that my place is a pig sty, I never show up for social events on time, and I never remember anyone's significant events. Really, this resolution will last for about 5 minutes until I go back to being the self centered narcissist that all of my friends really love me for.....

* I am going to quit smoking
What this really means: I am not going to smoke around the people I know that complain about it. 
Why I made this resolution:  So the people who complain about me smoking will shut the fuck up! 

* I am going be more proactive about my health
What this really means: Men: You have a burning sensation in your penis when you pee and you REALLY need to get it checked out. Women: You are more than 2 weeks late and have turned 15 pregnancy tests positive, but are still hoping those home tests are cheap pieces of shit.
Why I made this resolution: Well, shit if the two examples above aren't reason enough...WTF? ;0) 

You see where I am going with this. No one really ever means to carry out their resolutions, they just feel like it's something that's required at the new year. Kind of like going to church those four times a year (Easter, Palm Sunday Christmas, and New Year's). Or telling your significant other that they don't look fat when the button flies off their pants and almost takes your eye out. Or telling your significant other that of course they are the only one you've been with "like that"... whoa whoa whoa, I digress..... 
So I think that we should all take a stand and boycott resolutions. Next year, don't place any kind of expectations on yourself, just go with the flow. And if you happen to miss a few important dates, then so be it. At least you won't be a lazy,unsuccessful, liar. Until next new years kiddies, keep your resolutions like you keep you hopes and dreams....UNFULFILLED!! Muah!! 

The 2013 version of WTF? Seriously, WTF?

As I write this blog it occurs to me that there may be someone who has been living under a rock on a remote desert island or permanently trapped on an episode of Survivor (Gilligan's Island style) who doesn't know the acronym WTF. Technically WTF stands for What the Fuck? But there are parents (yeah, yeah) who change it up to what the freak or what the fiddlesticks...whatever your cup of tea, it means something so utterly ridiculous and disturbing that you found yourself in a position to utter those very words (even if they were only in your mind). So, although it's only January, I have already identified the top WTF moments/stories/issues of 2013. Okay, so technically some of them may have started in 2012, but still.....

Moment number one: WTF Lance Armstrong?

I mean really. WTF were you thinking? You lied, manipulated, bullied, threatened your way to national admiration and to a FORTUNE. You vehemently denied the rumors and when it was brought up acted like a 12 year old and stomped your feet (which should have been our first clue...). I mean, this WTF moment could go on all day, but the bottom line is that once again, Americans are always so desperate to put someone on a  pedestal and yet even more thrilled to knock them the fuck off and watch them tumble down. I am not saying that Lance has anyone to blame for this but himself, but why are we still giving two shits about this asshole when there are more pressing matters in the world? Fuck you Lance Armstrong and your lying, cheating ass. I hope your other testicle falls off, but not from cancer, from someone who you screwed over kicking you so hard in the groin. P.S.- Cheryl Crowe doesn't seem like such a bitch now for breaking up with him, huh? You judgmental assholes! ;0) 

Moment number two: WTF Manti Te'o (whatever the fuck your name really is) Lyin Hawaiian

This is the most ridiculous story I have ever had the displeasure of hearing about, over and over and over again. I really fucking thought my kids were talking about some kid at their high school, because that's exactly where this story should ONLY be discussed. WHO THE FUCK CARES? As a tax paying adult I could give a fuck less if some kid from Hawaii going to a Catholic school in Indiana dedicated to the Mormon religion out of Utah lies about his girlfriend or not. Did he date rape anyone? Did he kill anyone? Is he having steroid induced rage killing thoughts? No, then shut the fuck up and move the fuck on. Again, Americans tsk tsk tsk.... you are giving people like Bill Simmons a reason to exist and annoy the fuck out of anyone that isn't from Boston. 

Moment number three: WTF (or more to the point is WHO the Fuck) is Chief Keef?

This idiotic wanna be gangster kid from Chicago is started to annoy the fuck out of me and I don't even know who he is. Apparently he's 17 and keeps getting arrested and then crying like the little bitch that he is. (And that is not a reference to a weak female or a female dog). Stop paying attention to this fucking adolescent shithead and start paying attention to important things. 

Moment number four: WTF Kim Kardashian? And WTF her Mom. (I don't even know the psycho's name)

I really hate even wasting my carpal tunnel typing moments on this self degrading, moronic, gold digging, attention whoring, actual whore, but really? Her Mom is mad at Kanye because he announced that she's pregnant when the Mom wanted to sell the story to the tabloids. Let's take a step back here... her MOM, wanted to sell the story of her married to another man, about to have a child with another man (who isn't the first other man) self promoting daughter? WTF is wrong with this bitch? You know, I can always tell the good Moms from the bad ones. Not that in this case it was hard to spot, but if someone says something negative about your child and you offer to sell it to a tabloid, pretty sure you're a piece of shit Mom and even worse human being. The fact that this chick and her family have become famous for ABSOLUTELY nothing incenses me to no end. They all deserve to have been taken off the planet on 12/21/12, seriously. And for the sake of all mankind, someone put in implant into ALL of these whores to stop them from procreating. Because trust me, one day the money is going to run out and WE (the American public who adore them so much... NOT) are going to be picking up the tab for them and their kids. Until of course they release the sex tape of them post giving birth....UGH! And a big FUCK YOU to Ryan Cheesecrest (Seacrest) for creating this fucking piece of shit show in the first place. 

Moment number five: WTF backwards ass inbred hillbilly redneck mother fuckers of WBC. (In case you didn't know, WBC stands for Westboro Baptist Church)

Another fucking idiotic bunch of fucktards that I hate to waste time on, but for your sake, you need to know these fuckers are out there. The website for this "church" (I say that VERY loosely)  is www.godhatesfags.com. This says it all. This group of stellar "Christians" were going to picket the funerals of the children killed at Sandy Hook Elementary because they say that "God" sent the shooter to punish the parents of these kids because they are obvious sinners. Are you fucking shitting me right now? Why is it that when you do fucked up shit to other people, you are alwasy citing "God" as your source of inspiration? Be a real fucking adult and if you believe in something don't hide behind "God", put your balls out there and take your lumps like everyone else.  I am all for the constitution and freedoms, but these people, all you can say is WTF? These people picket military funerals, they are actually picketing in Times Square today because they claim that NYC is the "epicenter of international commerce and they represent fag central". These people are on a whole other level of fucking stupid. A church and group that the State of Kansas can be proud of, I'm sure. By the way, people are circulating a petition to have them officially named a hate group. If you get a chance, sign the petition. https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/legally-recognize-westboro-baptist-church-hate-group/DYf3pH2d

Moment number six: WTF using FB "Likes" to get what you want.

Really? If my kids asked me for a dog and I said "no", then it would cost them a fuck of a lot more than a million FB "likes" to get one. Is this real parenting? What the fuck did you just teach your kids? That they should place every importance on social media and fuck working hard to get what you want? Woo hoo, the little midgets made a fucking sign. BIG FUCKING DEAL. Look, I'm all for kids being activists, but this shit right here, fucking lazy ass parenting and blasphemous to say the least. And even MORE ridiculous, is that apparently the executives at GMA (good morning america) have run out of fucking NEWS ideas and put these fucking lazy kids on TV. Are you serious? What the fuck has the world come to? Should I fucking write a sign that says if I get a million likes my boss will give me a fucking raise? Fuck actually working hard to earn the raise, just give it to me because I can find one million lazy ass fuckers with nothing else to do but CLICK A FUCKING BUTTON to help me get a raise. Glad that these people are actually getting a rescue pet but come on, really, this was a colossal parenting fuck up. This didn't teach them responsibility at all. Wake the fuck up and take responsibility for your kids and their upbringing. I swear to you I just saw some fucking kid from Norway made a sign that some (obviously well parented) girl in his class will have sex with him if he gets a million likes. You see? A fucking epidemic of laziness already spreading the globe.... FUCKERS. 

I am certain that we will be back, revisiting additional WTF moments of 2013 shortly, but for now, I have to send an email to all my friends who like the Lakers and ask them where their car flags are this year? WTF? 

Dear CNN, MSNBC, FOXNEWS, NRA and President Obama

Dear American News Media Stations, the President of the NRA, and President Obama, 

First let me say that I am not a religious person. I do not believe that God creates, forgives or heals the wrongs of this world. That is my belief. However, during this time of tragedy for 26 families in Newtown, Connecticut, I hope they find whatever peace and comfort they need, wherever they need to get it from at this time to help with their grieving and hopefully their healing process. I am angry. I am upset. I am bewildered and I am saddened. 

The first thing that causes me pause and anger is the news media in this country. While the rest of the world is not innocent in this matter, I focus now on the USA. Mr. Jeff Zucker, (president of CNN worldwide) how would you feel if someone shoved a microphone in the face of your wife Caryn to ask about what her "feelings" were at learning that one of your four children (I won't be so callous as to reveal their names) had been shot and killed by a gunman? How about you Ms. Anne Sweeney who made history by being the first woman news president. If one of your own reporters, Diane Sawyer, thrust a microphone in your face and wanted your candid reaction to the death of your child, would you run your newsroom the same way then? Or better yet, if it was your child (which is on the Autism spectrum) who was the perpetrator of this crime? Still run your newsroom the same way? It makes me sick to my stomach that these people dare call this news. Who are you informing and WHAT the fuck are you informing them of? That human beings have emotions at the loss of a child or a family member? Thanks for the update. I don't know if I can hold the media entirely responsible. I understand the need to comprehend and put a meaning to a tragedy, but WE the mainstream american people, we tune in to this shit. Why? The same reason we slow down and watch the car accident on the freeway, morbid curiosity. Until you experience a tragedy similar to this (which I ask the Universe you never do) you won't understand the need to grieve in private and with people who love and care about you. When the time is right, these families will share their tragedy and pain but it has to be THEIR choice. These are not lottery winners, these are VICTIMS or a horrible horrible crime. This is not a sensationalism opportunity to garner ratings for these ridiculously indifferent, unemotional, greedy news organizations. So much like Morgan Freeman, I ask, no I implore you to turn off the news. There is nothing you are going to learn by listening to the shit they are spewing on these channels that common sense won't already fill you in on. The gunman is dead, he was obviously mentally ill and he isn't on the prowl for another school. They may be another gunman on the prowl, but unfortunately, we won't know who he is or where and when he will strike until he does. 

Next on the list. The NRA. I am firm believer in every American's right to arm themselves. I truly believe that it is not for the government to make that choice for me. However, at the expense of millions of lives, the vast irresponsibility that is displayed by the NRA and its lobbying for guns rights is so far beyond a travesty, I can't even begin to describe it. The American people require protection yes, however who are we protecting ourselves from at this point? The government? The militia hiding in the hills? The terrorists? When was the last time the US government came into your house and you felt the need to pull out a gun? And militia and terrorists? If they are going to kill you, it will be with a bomb from far range, because they are cowards. Home security? Check the statistics of how many gun owners are killed by their own guns due to lack of education or training with firearms. You'd be amazed. My point is if you want to own a gun, good for you. If you are mentally ill, can't pass a personality test, can't pass a drug test then no gun for you. The DMV test to obtain your license in the state of California has 18 questions and you have to get 15 questions right to be able to operate a vehicle in the state of California, which arguably can be just as dangerous a weapon as a gun. To own a firearm in California? A 10 day waiting period, proof of residency, and proof that you are over 18 for a rifle or over 21 for a handgun. No test, they do a minimal precursory background check (which can possibly exclude people based on past criminal history). Do you see something wrong with that? Where is the psychology test? Where is the personality test? I had to take a personality test, a drug test, a background check and pass a basic math and english test to get my job. I'm not a police officer, a banker, a government official or a gun dealer. BUT, I am in charge of other corporate entities money. Maybe that is the base of our problems. Money. Wouldn't that be a surprise to all? 

President Obama. While there are many that are not fans of yours, I happen to be a generous chance giving person. I believe that you want to do the right thing for Americans and people in general, I do. I believe that you govern with the best intent of the people in the forefront of your mind. This being the case, why have you lessened the regulations in most states and federally regarding gun control? Why have you not, in conjunction with your push for Obamacare, not brought the issue of mental health in this country to the forefront? Why haven't you pushed these issues back onto the Congress so that their constituents can hold them responsible for their actions? Why are there not more government programs to assist and support families with mentally ill children? Where is the assistance on the front end instead of throwing these people into the penal system which does nothing to assist with treatment and cures for them? Where are the support groups and mental health facilities for families with mentally ill and violent adolescents? While I believe that it is not the job of the government to fully support their people with no assistance from the people requiring the support, I do however believe these people are unable to do this on their own. For an epidemic that continues to plague this country for the last 25 plus years, and affects every American in this country in one way or another, why is there no support, legislation or government assistance for these citizens? 

During this holiday season, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain these 26 families will be enduring without having the benefit of their loved ones with them. I cannot imagine the strength and resolve these families will need to have to send their next child, sister, brother, friend back to school eventually. I cannot begin to point a finger at one person without pointing a finger at us all. While I have absolutely no sympathy for the person that committed these heinous crimes, I do have sympathy for us, the American people, because I have to ask, how many times must this happen before we stop "sending our thoughts and prayers" to people and start taking action to make a CHANGE. CHANGE the channel on your TV and stop watching the insensitive news stations that continue to perpetuate the violent climate of our society. CHANGE the way you vote. Take note of your legislators and gauge their stance on gun control. Are they being supported by NRA lobbyists? Do they really have your best interests at heart? CHANGE the way you ask our President to see mental health and mental illness in this country. Demand that the government provide some assistance for families of these children so we can prevent these tragedies and not react to them once they transpire. CHANGE the way you see your family and your part in their lives. Hug your kids, hug your mom and dad, hug your relatives and thank whomever your God is that you and yours are alive to experience another holiday season. This blog is my voice to you and my little corner of the world. Expand upon my voice, share this blog, add your comments or write your own, but please DO SOMETHING.

Happy Holiday everyone. 

Merry F'n Christmas.....

There are so many things wrong with the holidays it would take two lifetimes to list them out in this blog, so I will give you the "ESPN Highlights" version of the good, the bad and the WTF about the holidays. The biggest problem I see with the "holidays" is that they are one big fucking commercial. If you love your kid enough you will buy them one million dollars worth of toys and electronics. If you love your significant other enough, you will buy them outrageously priced jewelry or better yet, a car. WTF? Really, nothing says Merry Fucking Christmas like a car? Because I am sure in the true spirit of Christmas, baby Jesus and all the fucking wise men, were totally thinking car as a gift. No, no they fucking weren't. You know what gifts they gave Frankincense and Myrrh. You know what that is? Fucking resin from a tree burned like incense. Yeah, that's what they gave. Don't you feel like the idiot that brought a gun to a sword fight? Sure, the other gift given to baby Jesus was gold, but hey, he was going to die for all of your sins, and really what have you done this year to deserve some gold?  A car...puhleez. And what about our already spoiled children? Do they need another gaming system? Another fucking doll to teach social prejudice and make them feel inadequate that they aren't blonde haired and blue eyed? People bitch and moan every year that we have lost what the "true spirit of Christmas is". Well, then stop fucking paying thousands of dollars for shit that you and your family don't need. My other favorite? The holiday picture card, short story or poem. First, the picture is always either your stupid vacation photo that was taken no where near Christmas time OR it's you and your kids posing around the Christmas tree for a family moment that NEVER happens. The short story or poem drives me fucking mad. No one gives a fuck that little Janie came in first place during the year for her first grade spelling bee. Now if she was arrested for a DUI and took some people out on the way to jail, leaked a sex tape and was engaged to a member of the Wu-Tang Clan, then that may be holiday newsworthy. And why does it have to rhyme? Believe me, none of your rhyming skills are that of an Eminem, leave it to the professionals. Another highlight of the holidays is how all of a sudden people pretend like they like each other. I just saw you two beating the shit out of each other in the parking lot and talking some trash on Facebook, but now you are BFF's? WTF? You were touched by the holiday spirit you say? Maybe your greedy ass was touched by wanting some nice shit for Christmas. I'm all for burying the hatchet, but two weeks before Christmas only to be fighting on New Year's day does not count. But my ALL time favorite has got to be the people that feel the need to be in or start a relationship for the holidays. You know THOSE people. The ones who don't want to show up anywhere without a date. Office party, family party, whatever...can't go solo. So what do they do? They get desperate and turn their fuck buddy or casual dating partner into the next "one" for the holidays. This person is now the shit. They are your long lost love, the future parent of your child. Sure they are. They are good for being the designated driver when your ass drinks too much spiked eggnog and giving you a last minute gift bought at Rite Aid (open on Christmas) of Mariah Carey's perfume and a Whitman's Sampler. Or God forbid you commit the ultimate holiday faux pas and hook up with an Ex. You know that Ex that is ALWAYS single (for a reason). The girl who is so desperate to be engaged or married that she went ahead and got her preacher's license online. Or the guy that has "never found anyone as special as you since we broke up". Because THAT always works out well. It does make for an interesting Christmas day dinner when the inevitable knock down drag out fight occurs at the family dinner table for all to find out that you enjoy kinky sex shit. Never a dull moment.... 
But my all time favorite holiday scam has GOT to be Santa Claus. Who the fuck came up with this fat asshole. I mean think about this. You as the parents work 40 plus hours per week all year to put food on the table for your rugrats and then probably work OT during the holidays to pay for all of those annoying fucking toys and who gets credit for it? Some fat jolly dude in a horrible crushed red velvet suit who plays with midgets and farm animals. WTF? Do you tell your kids Santa Claus is paying for their college tuition? Because that's when the fuck I could use some assistance. Why do we continue this ridiculous tradition? Is it so bad for your kids to find out that YOU actually love and care enough about them to get them what they want for Christmas? And it isn't like it used to be in the old days where you used Santa Claus as the disciplinarian. Kids don't buy that shit anymore. I mean it is probably more plausible that Santa "sees you when you're sleeping" (which is a WHOLE other blog and so creepy that I can't go into it) and "knows when you're awake" in the advent of webcams and facetime and all, but come on... one quick email to Santa and shit is hooked up. I'm just pointing out the obvious here, you are setting your kids up for a lifetime of disappointment with them pinning their hopes on some old white guy to come through in a pinch... (I could use examples here, but I think you get the point... Mitt Romney). I say we change the tides and tell the truth for a change! Tell them that the factory in the North Pole was closed for computer upgrades, the elves went on a labor strike, the reindeer got mad cow disease and the shipping company went belly up and THAT's why Santa couldn't bring the little guy his new Wii U and why Mommy got a new Mercedes for Christmas! 
Merry Fucking Christmas to you all!!! 

The Answers

Common and Mos Def have a song called "The Questions", one of my favorites. Consider this my take on "The Questions" but the opposite. Get it? People often ask me, "Jennifer (because that's my name) what do you think is the answer to this question?". Not really, but I've always wanted to start a sentence that says "People often ask me". So thank you for allowing me to fulfill a fantasy for a brief moment. So, I often post my random thoughts on FB and well, much like those thoughts, these are questions that have either come up in conversation quite often, people have ACTUALLY asked me these questions quite often or I have overheard them (while being nosy) in other people's conversations. ;0)
Why do you think reality TV is so popular? Reality TV is popular for a few reasons. People love to see other people do and say stupid shit on TV. I don't know why this phenomenon exists, but it does. People also love to see that there are people more fucked up than they are. I guess watching ignorant, classless people get drunk and have one night stands with strangers makes some people feel better about their life choices. Who knew? The real irony here is that there really is no such thing as "reality TV". Everything is staged and scripted and rarely are there any true spontaneous moments. Sad, but true.
Why does so and so still have a career, or keep getting acting parts etc? I will tell you why. Because they are sleeping with someone really important. Or because stupid people keep supporting them by watching their movies, listening to their music or "liking" their FB page.
Why are LA Lakers fans, Boston Red Sox fans, Raiders fans and Philly fans in general so obnoxious? Good question, great answer. It's simple.They are made up of a legion of passive/aggressive haters who won't admit it. While I admit that the Lakers fans can at least celebrate some success, the balance of these teams have woefully wallowed in despair for a very long time. You can't really blame them for wanting to take things out on others. The LA fans really have no other excuse other than the fact that there really is nothing else to get excited about in LA. Next......
Why are men and women so different? Because women have vaginas and men have penises. DUH!!
And because men go through life viewing it as though leafing through a porn magazine, while women go through life trying to LOOK LIKE the women IN the porn magazine, secretly of course.
Why do people push the elevator button that is already lit? Uh, because the elevator fairies pay attention more if you ring more than once. And because most people are ridiculously stupid and impatient.
Why do people turn down the volume of their radio when looking for an address? Because everyone knows that when you lose one of your senses, the other ones become more heightened.
Why do people take so many pictures of themselves to post on Instagram? Say it with me....Because if I don't, who will?
Who writes those Ecards? I wonder this as well. At first I thought Louis Black, but then.....I think it's a collaborative effort. More research required.
Who did you vote for in the election? Duh, Jesse "the body" Ventura. He believes the government is slowly putting fluoride in our water which is THE main component in Prozac.(Just so nobody sues me for inaccuracy, this is completely incorrect) Add some bath salts to that water and Walking Dead here we come!
If I enjoy beating women, acting like an asshole, singing and dancing and getting lots of tattoos, do you think there is a career that is right for me? Why certainly! You can be a) an R&B superstar b) a professional football player, c) a professional basketball player, d) a Rap superstar or e) a member of the US government! If you elect to pursue the latter, probably better to hide your tattoos though.
Why are people so fascinated with Psy and his Gangnam Style? Because the Macarena has left the building.
Why is it so hard to win the Lottery? Um, because if you don't play you can't win. Sheesh.....
Why will Mitt Romney do now that he didn't win his bid for the Presidency? Duh, he is going to find another wife to put in the book. Sheesh...

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Answers....coming soon! And please, feel free to submit and burning questions you may have that I can answer for you!

I'm sorry.....

It takes a big person to admit they are wrong and a bigger person (damn those Krispy Kremes) to announce it to the world. But, I am a big enough person (in heart not size) to do BOTH. Contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect. Not that I ever claimed that I was, but you know how it is, you write a few spectacular blogs and right away people assume. ;0) I make mistakes, sometimes big ones, HUGE ones. In the past it's been extremely difficult to admit to when I had erred. And say "I'm sorry"?...Uh, never. I always felt like if someone got hurt by something I said or did, as long as hurting wasn't my intention, why should I apologize? And then it happened...you know, IT. Or more to the point, HIM. Sure when it came to my kids, if I made a mistake I was quick to tell them how sorry I was, they're my kids. But HIM was a different story. To actually love someone so much that I felt bad when he did....unthinkable. Corny, I know, but a true story none the less. If there is anyone that deserves and has certainly earned the right to hear the words "I'm sorry" from me, it is certainly HIM. In the years that have been our life together so far, I have fucked up, and fucked up big. I am an extremist, what can I say. It's go big or go home. But seriously, that saying, you only hurt the ones you love... couldn't be more true.Why is that? In my well meaning, sharing me feelings, being the new and improved me, I have fucked up royally along the way. Not to make this a total Martyrdom blog, he's done his fair share of fucking up as well, but he manages to make his amends in his own special way. Me, sometimes yes and sometimes no. I am stubborn (shocking, but true). I have a hard time seeing things in any other colors than black and white. Or a more accurate description would be MY way or the wrong way. It's a character flaw, but what are you going to do? No body's perfect. So this is my way of making amends. A public apology if you will. HE doesn't really care for PDA's. HE's more of a private, actions speak louder than words kind of HIM. Probably one of the things I love most about him and something that drives me crazy (not in the good way) about him as well. Now that I have finally found someone worth loving, I like to share it with everyone. HIM, not so much... Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.... Anyhow, I am sure this list could be much longer but it's a start. HE probably won't even read it, but at least I know it's here. So bare with me and endure some mushy love stuff for five minutes and Thank you for letting me share! 

I am sorry for not understanding that everyone has things that are just for them. It's a foreign concept to me, but I am learning. 

I am sorry for complaining about not having any pictures of us together. It's a sore point still, but I am working on it.

I am sorry for not always putting in my full effort when it comes to things (and people) that are important to you. Work in progress...

I am sorry for not always forgetting the past and then reminding you about it, repeatedly. :0( 

I am sorry for not always being the one person that should be there for you and instead letting my feelings over petty things get in the way. 

I am sorry that I cannot stand some of things that you like. (i.e., Lakers, etc.)

I am sorry for not understanding fully the concept that men are completely different in some aspects than women. I don't know if I am ever going to necessarily get over this one, but I am sorry that I'm not....

I am sorry for not remembering that everyone has a past....including me. 

I am sorry that despite my best efforts, there are just things I am not EVER going to understand or be okay with with. But I promise to not over analyze them and pick on you for them. 

I am sorry that you are so stubborn.... ;0)

I am sorry that I don't like Halloween as much as you do. 

I am sorry that I sometimes ADD to the drama instead of helping to lessen it. (I admit it...)

I am sorry for sometimes letting work stress spill over onto you. 

But the thing I am most truly sorry for, the thing that I wish I never had to apologize for because it never happened....I am sorry for one second of pain I have ever caused you. One second of hurt or anger or doubt because of my words or actions. For that,  I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. 

I love you, HIM. <3