What I am thankful for.....

I bet you thought this was going to be a heartfelt post about all the things I love in my life, my family, blah blah blah. Well you obviously haven't been paying attention. It cracks me up that with my legion of blog followers (a total of zero because you assholes don't share my wisdom with friends and family) the favorite is always the Merry Fucking Christmas post. You know why? Because that shit is REAL. Not sugar coated, Martha Stewart fake shit, REAL shit about the holidays. So I thought I'd take that premise and apply it to my second favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. (My first favorite is Christmas and Halloween is not a fucking holiday). I tend to write in list format and the reason really is because it's easier for stupid people to read and relate to. It's like I'm telling them what's important and the order it goes in. Don't believe me, did you see the results of the last election? I rest my case. So in no particular order (wink wink) here is what I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful that the NFL moved the PAT (point after try) back to the 25 yard line. Why, you ask? Well if you're a football fan, you've noticed a fuck of a lot more kicks getting blocked or flat out missed, which fucking makes me laugh. For all of you that are not NFL fans, but may be NBA fans, missing a PAT is like missing a fucking free throw. If you can't make that shit, why even bother being a professional athlete. So, I like to see people that call themselves professional athletes (oxymoron) fail. It's kind of my thing. 

I am thankful that stupid people still exist and place their talents on display publicly and often. I mean fuck 2016 and was really the year of the moron not the monkey, let's be honest. I could list the examples, but that would be the whole blog. Just suffice to say that something called "the mannequin challenge" exists. Enough said. 

I am thankful that Joe Biden is seriously the funnies mother f"er to be in office. That dude slays me. On top of all of the memes that are out about him and Obama, the actual real shit he does is f'n hilarious. Google that shit. 

I am thankful that I can say "google that shit" and people can actually find stuff out without me having to explain it. Makes my life so much easier. 

I am thankful that Tim Tebow has resurrected his career and is becoming a baseball player. I also believe fully in the fact that he is the next coming of Jesus Christ. What? You don't believe? Have you ever seen them in the same room together? Did he not miraculously (and famously) save a baseball fan from dying just by laying his hands on them? Makes you think, right? 

I am thankful that Fox decided to hire Pete Rose and Alex Rodriguez as commentators during the world series. That shit was fucking hilarious. Alex is extremely intelligent (I'll admit I was surprised) and makes these astute observations and then the next minute is going over to fix Pete Rose's tie as he slumps into the camera shot.Classic! 

And finally I am thankful for people who lost their mind over the election. I mean seriously. I am not oblivious to the facts of the campaign and the people involved, but fuck, relax. I mean don't sit around and not do anything about what you believe in, but fuck typing a 1052 word rant on FB is not going to change the results. I will sit back and laugh at what a cry baby you are if you do that. You want real change, get off your ass and out from behind your keyboard and go get it. Analyzing the stupidity of the average american (see item #2 above) can take months or years and by that time it's already time to elect another person. It's not preschool, you can't sit around and cry until they give in and not everybody gets a fucking trophy. Put on your big people panties and get on with your life. 

Then seriously, I am extremely grateful to be surrounded by a wonderful family with my loving husband, great kids, and all of our extended brood. We are fortunate to have great friends who are like second family to us as well. And with all of my sincerest wishes, I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving from me and mine! 

Dear America,

Dear America, 

We're broken. We're not beyond hope, yet, but we're broken. In the wake of what can only be described as one of the most horrifying events of the last decade, America elected an old white man. But wait, you say, we've elected old white men before. What's the difference? The difference is it's 2016 mother fuckers. MLK hoped that by now we'd be judging people by the "content of their character and not by the color of their skin". And to say this candidate lacked character would be the understatement of the century.  I have nothing against old men, white men, or men in general. I have a LOT against this old white man. A blatant racist, misogynist, and all around douche bag. He has absolutely ZERO business acumen, absolutely ZERO political experience and yet America thought he'd make a good commander in chief. Well, actually not most of America, and not even the majority of American only the uneducated America.  America, the trail blazer for democracy, is still using a 150 plus year old system to elect their leader. Let that sink in. America said that they were so tired of the "status quo" (who happens to be a black man) that they needed to go back to feeling comfortable again. They needed to go back to feeling like they were going to be in charge of their lives. I say "they" but they are we, they are us. We are a country divided like no other time in history. This division goes beyond race, gender and economic equality. This division comes down to human decency. The ability to treat our fellow human American with decency.  To have to think about calling this ass clown the President sickens me to no end. 

But remember what I said in the beginning? We're not beyond hope. Not yet. I hear a lot of people on Facebook asking what are they going to tell their kids. Here's what you tell your kids. You tell them that in real life there are setbacks. In real life people are NOT always nice people or good people but that they have to keep doing what they think is right. You tell them that the fact that this person with ZERO experience was elected to be the President of the United States  makes  it even more possible for ANYONE (including your child) to be the next President, to be a better President. You tell your kids that they should never settle for the "status quo" because that's why this person was placed in office. We are using a system to "democratically elect" a President that is over 150 years old and needs to be changed. You tell your kids that there is hope because a woman (who has only had the right to vote for less than 100 years) actually received MORE votes than the person that "won". You tell your kids that at the end of the day, some man living in some house that they will never meet and probably never see, can NOT take their hopes and dreams away. And while you're at it, comfort yourselves in that knowledge as well. 

And listen DO NOT FUCKING REPLY to this post with some bullshit about Hillary Clinton. Fuck you that wasn't the point and if you didn't get the point, don't fucking read my blog. 

Until the next election, 

'Murica

You're doing it wrong

It's been a minute since I've touched on such a controversial topic such as this, but with Summer coming to an end, I just felt the need to mix it up! People are extremely heated about the presidential race and the national anthem and all kinds of shit, and I just wanted to get in on that passion. You know, really discuss a subject that most people don't have the balls to discuss. 

Now, before you go getting all offended assuming I'm talking about you (which I probably am) just fucking listen up. If your child can walk more than 10 feet, they are too big for a stroller. Disabilities and impediments aside, if your child can walk more than 10 feet, they are too big for a stroller. I know what you're going to say, I do. No, they NEED a stroller, they NEED to rest and sit down and be controlled. and this is what I am going to say... we are raising the next generation of lazy ass kids. The kids do not NEED a stroller, YOU need the stroller. You need the stroller because you're half assing that parenting shit. Yeah, I said it. Look, I have had three small kids, and they are all 2 years or less apart. I know the feeling of NEEDING a stroller, but you know what, I didn't use one if they could walk 10 feet or more, that's the rule. Not at Disneyland, not at the mall, not ANYWHERE. You know why? Because I didn't want to raise lazy ass kids. I mean they are still lazy (that's a totally different blog) but for completely different reasons. If someone told you when you found out you were having a child that parenting was easy, they FUCKING LIED TO YOU. Parenting is not easy, never has been, never will be. I know, I already know you are going to say, but what about this situation or what about that situation, and the answer is "Can your child walk 10 feet or more by themselves?" No fucking stroller needed. 

For those of you that know this blog well, you know that the stroller is just a symptom to prove the real point. We are raising lazy ass kids. We have set the bar so low for these kids, they are practically doing the limbo instead of high jumping over it. I am not judging, nor am I saying that my way is the right way (although it is). I am merely pointing out that raising this generation to be co-dependent (on parents, on electronics, on society) is going to be their downfall, and in turn ours. Is it easier to hand them a phone or tablet during dinner or the car ride to keep them quiet? Fuck yeah it is, but what about good old fashioned conversation? Putting aside the social aspects of this issue, think about the health of our future generation. Fine motor coordination, muscle growth and development, etc. Did you know the the average height of the American child is actually DECLINING compared to the rest of the world. Pretty soon, no more gold medals in basketball because our kids are going to be the size of fucking Frodo. We are raising short, fat, lazy kids and it must end. I feel like that guy going around cutting selfie sticks, only I want to remove the tires off of strollers with kids that have no business being in a stroller. I know, my extremist views and harsh methods offend you. It's okay. It is, I am willing to take the brunt of your anger. Be angry all you want at me, but for fuck's sake, take your kid out of that damn stroller!  

Enough.....Seriously, enough.

I sadly step away from my normal smart ass self to type this blog through tears. Yet again, I have had to wake up and read countless stories about 49 of our fellow human beings exterminated from existence by another senseless act of violence. Look, I am neither pro nor anti gun, I am neither pro nor anti Islam, what I am is pro human life and anti murder. Put aside your passionate beliefs and take a look at the facts of this tragic event. A person had a weapon, walked into a public space and took away 49 brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. They are gone. No matter if you think Obama is horrible or taking your guns, these people are not coming back. No matter if you side with Trump and think all Muslims should be deported, these people are not coming back. Let me say this one more time so that it can sink in past your rhetoric, your prejudice, and your hatred THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT COMING BACK. I don't know the solution, I really don't. What I do know is that we can't keep going like this. We have to be willing to look outside to other societies, other cultures to help us to fix this problem. Because again, whatever your beliefs this is a problem. I have children who are old enough to visit nightclubs, casinos, and all other "adult" spaces and I worry for them every time they step outside the house. We live in the United fucking States of America and I worry as if we lived in Libya. And you know what makes it worse? At least in Libya they KNOW who the bad guys are, we have no fucking clue, none. And if you're relieved because your children aren't old enough to visit "adult" spaces, guess what, school violence is in second place and not by a large margin. A wise man once said to me that we're all liberal until we have something to lose. Well, fucking wake up because it doesn't get much bigger than losing your fucking life. Yes, it's heartwarming to see the outpouring of support for the victims families, but that only lasts until the next massacre. Until the next time you change your fucking profile pic, or the next time you share a story about how people supported each other. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? You'll probably notice that I've glaringly left out the supposed motives for this particular attack. Does it fucking matter? Does it matter that we live in a country that prides itself on freedom for all of its citizens, but really what that means is as long as you fit into the right category. Because if you're different, well then, maybe you're free and maybe you're not. Maybe you are afforded the same protections and maybe you're not. Again, no matter the intended target group or the motive, these are 49 human beings that will never love, laugh, or live again. Families that have to try and understand how this happened and families that will never be the same again.  I haven't heard any "good" ideas coming from any of these so-called presidential candidates either. They have no fucking clue. Like I said earlier, I don't know what to do, but it has to be something. There has to be a better way. There has to be a solution. In the meantime, please show your human side and support any friends and/or family that are having to deal with this tragedy as best you can. If you aren't directly impacted below are some links where you can offer help as well. I leave my fellow humans with this thought...if not now, when? If not us, who? Enough.....

http://www.pulseorlandoclub.com/- For employees of the club that survived
http://www.oneorlando.org/- created by the city to help the latino and lgbt communities
https://victimsofcrime.org/-for victims of crime

I need to go to the bathroom

No, seriously. I need to go to bathroom. It's a common problem we all have. I mean who wants to take time out of their day to sit on a porcelain chair or stand in front of a porcelain vending machine with a handle? I don't. I mean it's nice they put up those privacy walls and all, but I mean really, I have a lot better shit (ha!ha!-pun intended) I'd rather be doing. So here's the thing, after my 152nd Grande Latte from Starbucks, sometimes I have to take a leak. And yes, women can take leaks too. But fuck, it seems that even performing biological functions have become a god damn controversy and political debate. Look, I don't give a FUCK who is in the bathroom with me. You know why? Because never, not ever, in all of my years of going to the fucking bathroom has anyone tried to molest me in the bathroom or shown me their junk in the bathroom. Does this happen? Probably, but not to me and probably not to you. You know what will make bathrooms safer? Don't fucking have any. Just having a fucking room with a changing table for babies, because well, they have no control over that shit, literally. Everyone else, fuck you and do what your parents taught you when you were little "go before we leave". I mean seriously? Think about how ridiculous this is. You're worried about who is going to the bathroom with you. The place you piss and shit and then leave. Do you really think that if someone wanted to molest or rape you they would let a little thing like the gender sign on a bathroom door stop them? Is there a fucking police officer in the bathroom with you? (I mean in prison, sure, but not normally) Are you really that ignorant to believe that transgenders or homosexuals are waiting for the opportunity to expose themselves or molest you or your children while in the fucking bathroom at Target? They leave that shit to fucking closeted sick fucks like the Senator from Minnesota (not gay or transgender by the way) and Jared from Subway.  Look, you mother fuckers are taking this shit waaayyy too seriously. You get on your fucking religious stump about how you don't want your children exposed to this or that or God said this or that. Let me fucking explain this to you really slowly so you understand. The LGBT community is just like every other community on this planet, they don't want to bother you, and they don't want you to bother them, period.  I actually heard something that made complete sense to me and of all places on a TV show I was watching, the horrible sinning homosexual said "Why do people not ask me about my beliefs? I am a Christian too. I believe in God and God's laws." Great fucking question. You may not believe this, but I'm actually not an activist for LGBT or for anything specific for that matter. You know what I am an activist for? You minding your own fucking business about what every fucking body else is doing that your God, your Bible and your fucking ignorance doesn't like or doesn't agree with. If you keep this segregating bullshit up, pretty soon you're going to be on the outside of that fucking little inner circle you love so much. It's going to be you and your kids that can't use the fucking bathroom anymore. So keep not going to Target, more shit for me and fewer lines in the bathroom. Keep up your bullshit and one day you'll be wishing that I would write a blog post for you and your "kind" to bring awareness to your plight. And you know, even though you're an ignorant asshole, I will probably do it because that's the kind of person I am. So please excuse me while I go to the bathroom.... that Starbucks just runs right through me. 

Fuck my Fitbit... Judgmental bitch.

I have a love/hate relationship with my health and my body overall. I love to fill my body full of shit that I love to eat and hate that my body gets fat when I do that. Like I said, love/hate. So, I recently had a big life event and I needed to get in shape, quickly... Because of course my other love/hate relationship (to tell the truth, love/hate pretty much defines ALL of my relationships, I am a fickle bitch) is with time. So of course procrastination is my middle name. Anyway, making this long post longer, let me just say that I decided to pick me up a little helper, you know an encourager, a motivator to get my two tons of fun back into shape. It was like a match made in heaven at first. Fitbit told me how many miles my fat ass would have to walk to lose the weight I wanted to and at first she was cool. Sending me smiley faces and badges and telling me how awesome I was at sleeping! She buzzed on my wrist whenever I hit my "goal" of 10,000 steps. Like a pretend little vibrator just for my wrist. It was like she was the long lost sister I never wanted. But then shit turned, she turned. As time went on, shit started getting real with this piece of technology. And of course, whenever something is judgmental, it must be female. If you don't agree, fuck you, you're probably a chick and you just proved my point. She would send me emails now with fucking sad faces telling me how "inactive" I had been during the week and what my "worst" day was. WTF bitch, you don't KNOW me like that. How do you know what my worst day is? Were you there? I mean you're on my wrist, but you weren't there. Then she tried to publicly shame me by telling me how many steps my friends were taking and what badges they were getting. It was like I wasn't good enough for her anymore. Now I wasn't getting enough hours of sleep or I wasn't active enough during her hand picked 9 hours of the day. Bitch, maybe I was taking pole dancing classes at night for exercise and couldn't get "active" during your favorite 9 hours of the day. That's not what happened, but it COULD have. (Funny story actually). So now I am starting to see the trend here with this chick. Praise at first to get me sucked in and wanting to please her and then just push me down for her amusement. I know the game. I know what you're thinking, Jennifer, it's not a real thing. It's an overrated watch that counts your fucking steps. And you'd be right, except for you're not. Shit was getting real and I needed to show Fitbit who was in charge. I didn't need her approval. I didn't need her badges anymore. "Badges, we don't need no stinking badges".... So, I showed her. I proceeded to gain back the 18 lbs I lost. And surely didn't need her help to do that! I showed her who was in charge. I was so inactive it was disgusting. I slept less than 5 hours a night because I was being so inactive. Yep, that was me putting Fitbit in her place. Eating what I wanted and not logging it into her stupid app. She still buzzed on my wrist, but only when someone was calling me. And I swear the other day I thought I saw "Fat Loser" go across the caller ID screen, but that couldn't be....Fitbit still loved me, didn't she? Didn't she want me to be healthy anymore? Didn't she want to help me give my friends the middle finger by walking more steps then they did, even if it was me walking laps around my kitchen? So now what? Well I am back to my fat weight and now I need my Fitbit. Help me Fitbit, help me. 
Fuck you though, don't judge me. 

Once and again....

Not a super sentimental type of human here, but there are some things that do bring it out in me. Anything to do with my kids can cause a warm and fuzzy moment and of course the love of my life. Sigh, it is true what they say, it is definitely different the second time around. The are so many reasons why. You're older, wiser, I think the second time you feel like it's an actual choice instead of anything else. I know for all of you one-timers, you just don't get it. How can you possibly ever consider loving anyone but the one you're with? Well, the answer isn't a simple or easy one, but suffice to say, things happen for a reason. I had always told people that after my divorce I would probably never get married again, and I believed it. I figured, tried it once, didn't go my way, move on. Kind of like what I imagine going to a Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift concert is like. You tried it because you heard all the hype and hoped for the best but in the end it cost too much, took too long and you really could have just passed altogether. But then, cliche, cliche, cliche and Mr Right and soulmate and blah blah blah. I took the plunge. I remarried (queue the horror movie scream). I actually despise that word "remarried". It implies that you did something again for the sake of doing it again. Retry, restart, reboot, etc. What I should have said was that I got married, again. Although really, I don't think my relationships need a qualifier. Like when I get pissed off at my friends and don't talk to them, I don't "refriend" them. I just say we're friends again. Anyhow, you get the point. I also didn't think that when I decided to get married it would be a big affair, but it was. Well, at least to us it was. Did we get to invite everyone we wanted to? Nope. Did we spend the "budgeted" amount (as my husband rolls on the floor in fake appendicitis like pain)? Nope. Did I absolutely love the wedding planning aspect? FUCK no! But would we do it all over again? Absolutely to the tenth power. I could write a whole other post on the drama that is a wedding, but that's not what this post is about. It's about doing something you thought wasn't for you, again. Having the fairy tale ending. I am happy to say that I did and I do! Most of the people that read my blog are friends and they do it because when I see the counter on my blog go up I feel important. For those of you that weren't there at the wedding to share the moment with us for whatever the reason (you RSVP'd but didn't show up, you weren't invited, or fuck, I just don't fucking know you) I am pasting my part of the vows at the end of this post. While vows are somewhat personal, I just wanted to share what this moment meant to me, regardless of whether it was my first time or 152nd time, this is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with and this time I am 99% sure (LOL). Nobody does I do better than we do!


I decided to approach writing my vows like I would write one of my blogs. That is to say, with passion and humor. I mean, if we both didn't have a sense of humor, we wouldn't be standing up here now would we? I can't describe in words our journey. It's a simple story really, boy meets girl, girl overlooks the fact that boy is a Lakers fan.  It sounds corny and cliche, but an absolute truth. I don't know that I can say it was love at first sight, but I can say that when I realized what it was, the word Love didn't seem to do it justice. All of the ideas I had of love seemed to pale in comparison to what I was feeling and feel now.  Someone asked me how I knew it was the "real thing". And the only answer I could come up with was that I finally stopped looking. You know that feeling of constant searching for the next best thing, the next "one". It stopped when I met you. I couldn't remember the times before you or imagine a future without you in it. You make me feel like the sun rises above my head and the stars shine just for me. The best part is knowing that you will be the last thing I see before I go to bed and the first thing I see when I wake up. In traditional vows it references being together for better or worse and through good times and bad. To come through what we have and still have the energy and desire to be where we are is a testament to our feelings and commitment to each other. So more than anything what I'd like to say to you is that I, Jennifer Michele, take you Julio Alexander in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in championship and non-championship years until the very last day I take my very last breath on this planet, in this wonderful lifetime that I have been so very very fortunate to have found you in and shared my life with. You are my moon and my stars, the Jack to my Sally, and I  love you.

Where the f*** are your manners?

Ugh...every time I go to write a post like this, it reminds me of how much I sound like my Nona (grandma for you "American" people). Where are your manners? Unlike me, my Nona wasn't a big F bomb dropper, so yeah there's that.  I never thought I would long for the days of that stick-up-her-ass Emily Post and her fucking etiquette (pretty ironic right?) So, my theory is that because everyone has become such a passive aggressive douche nozzle since the advent of social media, we are going to have to lay some of the blame there. Now you know I am not ever in favor of pawning off your responsibility on others, but I am making an exception here. Mostly because the majority of people are fucking ignorant and therefore, they don't even know that they have no manners. The biggest transgression I find is what people believe is okay to say or ask to another live human being. People are too accustomed to being behind the keyboard, venting their frustrations with no consequences or push back and then walking away. NOT real life asshole. In real life if you ask a stupid fucking question or make a stupid fucking remark, you either get told the fuck off or knocked the fuck out. There are some in-betweens, but you know me, I am an extremist at heart. (Insert smiley face here). Unfortunately it doesn't just stop there. People are raising asshole kids with no manners as well. I have a term for little kids who ask without saying please or thank you, regardless of sex, you're Demanda. And in my house, Demanda gets a big fat FUCK YOU!!

I come across this not only in my personal life, but in my professional life as well. (Yes, I have a professional life, and no it's not professional asshole). I don't want to go into the gender inequality of these comments because that would be a whole other post, but seriously, people asked some fucked up shit and make some fucked up comment and then brush it off like nothing. Whatever happened to that saying that your Nona used to tell you "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.". People need to run that shit through their head before they open their fucking mouths. Verbal inappropriateness is just the tip of the iceberg. Now written bad manners (or cyberspace bad manners) are even worse. When there are no eyes to look into or consequence of physical harm, people get pretty fucking ballsy. It has even become a thing when you take it too far "trolling". Seriously?

Now the most important part. It is never okay to demand anything from anyone. I don't care if they are a stranger or related to you. You always HAVE to (notice I didn't say should) say Please and Thank you at the very least. Be the better person and show respect for yourself and for your upbringing. I don't care if the waitress just served you a steaming pile of shit, you say thank you.
And if you want something, even if you're paying for it, you always ask with please. If the world functioned this way, we'd be in a lot better shape. I mean there have been plenty of times where I've asked can you please shut the fuck up? And then am too happy to say You're fucking welcome when someone has taken the time to say thank you. See how nice that is?

And your kids, for pete's sake your kids. Don't raise little douche bags. You know what happens to kid douche bags? Well, I either pimp slap them and we all end up on a TV show OR (and this one is most likely) they grow up to be adult douche bags. Don't have your kid at my house disrespecting me or my shit. Don't make me tell your kid to get their shit together. That's what you gave birth to the little snot dripper for. When my kids were little, they knew the consequences of acting like little douche bags. So they waited for me to leave, and then they did it. Problem solved.

And lastly, social situations require tact and manners for ALL. If someone invites you to a social function, the polite thing is to respond. And a text or email to a mailed invitation is NOT a fucking response you lazy millenial acting piece of shit.  If you don't want to go, don't, but at least tell them you're not coming. Along with financial considerations, there is a lot of thought that goes into a social function believe it or not, from the backyard BBQ to the gala wedding. And for the love of the universe, SHOW UP ON TIME. There is nothing worse than someone entering during the middle of a rite of passage, religious function or gasp...wedding vows. Don't get me wrong, in my reckless youth, I was guilty of such transgressions, but as I got older and wiser (I mean not that much older) I learned quickly. And also, electronic devices have no fucking place at a social function unless the hosts have okayed it. There is nothing worse than a ringing cell phone, some asshole acting like Ansel Adams with their fucking ipad or any such nonsense. And, if you are going to use the devic

e as a babysitter for your kid, silence that shit. I get it, kids are assholes during social events, but manage that shit, start teaching them manners NOW.

Thank you for listening. (see not that hard).