12 Things Happy People do differently... MY version.

So at the beginning of the year I was thinking about how I can make this year better than last, make myself better, happier (not resolutions, because you know how I feel about that shit) and I realized that fuck it, my life is what it is and I am who I am (insert Popeye giggle here). Just kidding. I found this "article" on Facebook and I printed it out and stuck it on the wall by my desk. I look at it everyday and while at times it does bring me some inspiration, I mostly just give it the finger and think of a really sarcastic answer to the suggestions that it makes. Soooo.... in the spirit of my perfection of the art of smart ass, here is MY version of the 12 things that "happy" people do differently....

1) Express gratitude. The article actually suggests that you appreciate the things you have in your life instead of coveting what you WANT to have. Now this seems like encouragement to be a lazy fuck. Basically the advice is that you better appreciate what you have because it doesn't get any better. WTF? I say, express a lack of willingness to accept the status quo and then thank yourself when you finally get what you want. (Hopefully you worked for and earned it and didn't steal it. But who am I to judge?)

2) Cultivate Optimism. The article says that people see the cup as half full live in a world packed with endless opportunities. I say that if your glass is only HALF full you better get the fuck up and either fill it up yourself or have the bartender stop slacking on his duties. 

3) Avoid over-thinking and social comparison. Again, cherish what you already have and stop competing with the "Jones". WTF? This goes against every AMERICAN fiber of our beings. I mean what the fuck did that kid create Facebook for if not to over-think statuses, and compare your social life to those of your 8 million friends? This is terrible advice. If you don't obsess on what people say and do and try and beat those mother fuckers before they achieve something you haven't, you are lost in this world.

4) Practice Acts of Kindness. I am just going to go ahead and assume the author means for yourself. You should be kind to yourself everyday, because if you don't who will? Plus the author cites that practicing random acts of kindness releases Serotonin and well, couldn't we all use a little more Serotonin in our lives, really, come on.

5) Nurture social relationships. "The happiest people on the planet are the ones who have deep meaningful relationships". Well this is a no-brainer. Doesn't everyone have lots of deep meaningful relationships? The one I have with my legions of followers (Hint, hint), the one I have with the mailman when I say "thank you" for putting my mail in the mailbox. The one I have with my bartender when I politely say "where the fuck is my refill"? I mean some people have even taken this to the next level. Of course there are restraining orders and stalking laws to discourage that, but you should it give your all no matter what!! Who can put a price on the legal defense of YOUR happiness!

6) Develop strategies for coping. DUH! What do you think drugs and alcohol are for... NEXT

7) Learn to Forgive. "Harboring feelings of hatred is horrible for your well-being " I couldn't agree more. Don't hold that shit in. You find whoever it is that wronged you and beat the fuck out of them immediately. No time like the present. You will feel so much better. And after you're done, don't forget to tell the person how much you've forgiven them!

8) Increase flow experiences. When I first read this one, I thought well fuck, once a month is PLENTY for me, but the meaning was COMPLETELY different. "Flow is a state in which it feels like time stands still". WTF? Who is this person writing this fucking article? Time stands still? Who the fuck has time to stand still. In the REAL world the best philosophy is to keep it moving... a moving target is hard to hit. Forget this flow shit....

9) Savor life's joys. So I am assuming the author is talking about drinking your wine slower and eating your chocolate so that is lasts for hours (kind of like the flow, but better). So, yeah.

10) Commit to your goals. "Being wholeheartedly dedicated to doing something comes fully-equipped with an ineffable force." I don't even know what the fuck ineffable means. So, let me explain it to you. If you say you are going to punch someone in the face, you do it and do it well. If you're an excellent stalker, then you be the best stalker you can be. Make that commitment to excellence and achieve your goals. The ends always justify the means. Trust me. 


11) Practice spirituality. "when we practice spirituality or religion, we recognize that life is bigger than us". Um, no shit. Most of you know that I'm not big on religion or spirituality, so whatever floats your boat is up to you. But, yes, the world is bigger than you and if you haven't accepted that yet, then maybe you need to do more than just "practice" spirituality or religion, you may need professional help. 
12) Take care of your body. "Taking care of your body is crucial to being the happiest person you can be". Okay, I am going to go out on a limb and assume that this person means like exercise and shit. And let me just tell you that I have NEVER seen someone leaving a yoga class with a fucking smile on their face, NEVER. And I sure as fuck have never left my exercise sessions in an orgasmic state of being either.  Not that everyone shouldn't be healthy, but it's all relative. 



And there you have it. Follow these guidelines and you can be as happy as I am. Until next time.... you're welcome. :)

Asshole of the Year....And the award goes to:

I know, it sounds like an award you can FINALLY support right? But whatever you do, PLEASE do not forward me any nominations, because believe me I have P-L-E-N-T-Y. Seriously, in the course of your lifetime think about how many people you would love to just hand this (and by hand this to I mean beat the shit out of with) trophy to....I almost want to print out certificates and leave them as party gifts for all the deserving nominees. So without further ado here are the nominees. (You know the names have been withheld to protect the guilty and to protect this crazy woman from any lawsuits) You may recognize or resemble some of these nominees.

Nominee #1: The person that invented reality TV. I mean you have to be some kind of asshole to unleash this shit on the world. Think of all of the reality "stars" that we wouldn't have to know anything about if it wasn't for this asshole? A Kardashian, Housewives, Honey Boo Boo free world.....if only! 

Co-Nominees #2: A certain Rapstar and his um, Ho (I've always wondered it is Ho or Hoe, because really Hoe implies a lawn tool which insert nasty joke here, could apply as well). First for being a couple at all because let's face it, the world doesn't need stupid people breeding anymore than we already have. Second, for naming your spawn a stupid fucking name and really for overall just both being assholes (comparing yourself to Jesus and for selling your Ray J sex tape...WTF?)

Nominee #3: The athletic star (feel free to insert your favorite here) that causes scandal. Whether you ride a bike, bounce an orange ball, hit a little white ball or catch an oddly shaped brown ball...seriously WTF? I mean I know it's partially the publics fault for idolizing you for these ridiculous "talents", but come on. Considering the amount of money you have and people who are willing to kiss your ass, you couldn't pay off the doctor to keep quiet about your drugs? You couldn't pay off the Ho's (or Hoe's) you were fornicating with to keep their fucking mouths shut? They ARE Ho's after all. You couldn't pay off anymore people or destroy anymore evidence when you wanted to kill people? (WTF??) Seriously, these people are a waste of time and space and deserve an award that says so.

Nominee #4: That person at the office that is trying to feed a small village with office potluck food. Seriously, Little Caesar's Pizzas are like $5, come on.

Nominee #5: The US government. I mean really where to begin? So many deserving achievements to list. I mean, prohibiting people from expressing their love in a religious manner that is rewarded with monetary compensation in the form of tax breaks supporting a true separation of church and state.. come on now. Or how about spying on people through their cell phone calls and texts and trying to hide it. Or how about getting rid of the only program that actually united your citizens, the space ships that don't really go anywhere.

Nominee #6 (TIE): The owner of a major football franchise that is the BIGGEST PUSSY on the planet when he let a Russian prick steal his championship ring and not even ask for it back because he was too afraid. Grow a pair you rich douche bag and do what every other rich guy does and pay Liam Neeson to go get your shit back. And then tie goes to the ACTUAL Russian prick who stole the ring.

Nominee #7: Your favorite religious zealot. (Feel free to insert any name you wish here). There are soooo many reasons why this person is deserving of this award, but the MOST important has to be the "blind faith" that this person has. I mean, let's put it in terms that the average (stupid) person can understand. I am going to write a book today and I am going to list a bunch of rules of things you should and shouldn't do, list a bunch of beliefs you should and shouldn't have and then for good measure I am going to throw in a bunch of stories that could absolutely NO WAY have ever happened, ever. And to put the cherry on top, I am going to tell you that a divine inspiration gave me the words to write down. And in 3500 years, you all better be adhering to the letter of the law in my book. So there! And I rest my case.

Nominee #8: The asshole that complains NONSTOP about the government and then admits they didn't vote. WTF? This is the ultimate, nth degree of hypocrisy and this person should be punched in the throat.

Nominee #9: The person (and you ALL know who you are) that doesn't know how to spell, use punctuation or pronounce words properly. There is a difference between their, there and they're. There is a difference between then and than. The word is ASK not AKS. There is an apostrophe in contractions (I know this is a big word, but google it, trust me). I mean seriously, considering that you can type one letter and google, spell check, and the iphone can read your mind, it's ridiculous that these people should be allowed to walk the Earth considering the survival of the fittest theory. Seriously.

Nominee #10: Anyone who ever uses in a sentence, in a FB status update, in a Tweet, etc. the word YOLO. Automatic punch in the throat. No exceptions.

Again, please feel free to make your own nominations, just don't send them to me!!!  

More of a few of my favorite things.....NOT

So my sister-in-law sent me a message the other day asking me to comment on what I thought about Kanye and Kim's kid being named North. While at the time I hadn't even heard what those two fucktards (who should NEVER have been allowed to pro-create) named their child (soon to be fucktard) it got me thinking back to my favorite topic....bitching about things I don't like. So, thank you sister-in-law for brightening my day with all the possibilities. Without further ado....round 2.

I will just get it out there up front. Putting a pin in the whole celebrity baby naming thing (or as I like to call them Fucktards who think they matter in the world), let me just say this about Kanye and Kim. First, he is an asshole. He used to at least be a talented asshole, but now... not so much with the talent. I don't know if his mother's death affected him that much, but everyone has drama, move on. And her, I can't even begin. But when you fuck an entire nation of "famous" people, publish your sexcapades for all to view it tells me that 1) you're extremely insecure 2) you're fucking an idiot and 3) you are a wanna be pornstar. So, Kanye and Kim NOT anywhere near a few of my favorite things. 

Baby names. Aside from famous people there are some regular people who just take naming their child to a whole new level of fucktardedness. Remember that your child has to go through life with this name. Remember that every teacher from Kindergarten through college is going to call this name out in front of a crowd of its peers. Naming your child a fruit, a random thought or a direction, are never good choices. These are choices made by self indulgent fucktards who want everyone to pay more attention to them because they can't get enough so they use their child to gain even more attention. Yes, I'm talking about you, Gwyneth Paltrow (Apple), Demi Moore (Rumer, Scout, Tallulah Belle) and fucktard Kim (North). You are pathetic and should be banned from pro-creation. I am not saying the Dad's get a pass either, but let's face it, much like wedding plans, naming of the kids generally run by the chick. So for all of you Seven's (if you watched Seinfeld, you will get that AWESOME reference) and Skylabs, I apologize for your parents attention whoredness.... NEXT. 
Why the fuck do people at work feel the need to have LOUD ASS personal conversations in the middle of the fucking office? Go out into the hall, the garage, I don't give a fuck, but I certainly don't want to hear you and and your significant other continue your argument from last night. Ain't nobody got time for that. 
People who troll Facebook, Pinterest, whatever the fuck social media for attention. Posting vague and pathetic statuses for everyone to quickly comment on. Grow the fuck up. Nobody cares about you and if they did, they wouldn't fucking write about it on social media. Dipshit. 
Why the fuck is everything in the world bad for you? You can't eat this or live here or drive that or talk on this cell phone. For fuck's sake, someone just lasso us into the Sun and get it over with... Sheesh. It can't be all that fucking bad. If it was, people would be dropping like flies already. 
People who have no grasp of the English language nor the writing skills to prove different. Yes, we all are irritated with your, you're and then and than, but FUCK...there are people who don't even know the difference between specific and pacific. The I before E rule is completely lost on these folks. Where the fuck did they go to school, the BCA's school? WTF? In the laziest society in the world, you can still look like a genius if you use your spell check and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Internet Memes. Honestly, I had to ask someone what the fuck that shit was. It's funny for five minutes and the first 50 that people send you via email. After that, it's just fucking stupid and pathetic. Everyone needs to go back to People of Wal-Mart and Ecards. Enough said.
Hollywood "stars' (I fucking hate that term) that just won't let it go. I don't give a fuck HOW good you thought Fast and Furious 6 was, it's enough now. They are talking about a seventh. This is not James fucking Bond, it's car thieves. How long does it take the fucking world to recognize these fucking people that come into their country to rob them? Seriously? And how do they fucking run out of money so fast? Liam Neeson, Taken 1 was a great movie, Taken 2 was the shit I step in when I am hiking up a mountain after horses have been there, the fact that you are remotely contemplating a Taken 3, well, a punch in the throat is warranted here. And how many times can fucking Iron Man or The Avengers save the planet? I have been walking around here a fair amount of time and have never thought, Fuck, I wish we had a group of heroes to save us from....ourselves? WTF? 
How the fuck are you Starbucks and you run out of breakfast sandwiches at 9 in the morning? Yes, this is personal to me but still...you are the fucking LARGEST coffee retailer on the fucking planet. Maybe ordering a couple hundred sandwiches might be in order you morons. 
And when the fuck did TV programs become so fucking lazy? When I was little, programs were on until Summer break, everyone got their vacations and then back to it by the time school started. WTF is up with these shows and their season finales say "We will back in 2014". WTF is that? 2014? What if the world ends (you know the Avengers aren't real)? What if I fucking FORGET every damn thing that happened on your fucking show because it's been an eternity since the last episode? And no I don't want to fucking watch 20 episodes over the weekend to "catch up". Fuck you TV! You should be on my schedule not yours. 


Feeling much better now that I've gotten that out there in cyberspace. Feel free to keep YOUR favorite things to yourself! Until next time.....

Marriage, guns and other great social reform topics.

Sigh, here we are in the great year of 2013, the 21st century and for all of the "giant leaps forward" we still seem like a planet full of backwards ass dipshits. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? I mean that rhetorically of course, because I already know the answer. People are what's wrong with people. As I contemplate the items that consistently grab the headlines, I just shake my head and wonder if we will ever truly achieve a society where nobody has their heads up their ass. Short of martians enslaving the human population, I don't believe so. So, here are this crazy woman's takes on the ever present social reform headlines we see.
Marriage. Ah, our good friend marriage. To love honor, obey (wait they took that out, right?), and cherish. These TOTALLY sound like words of legalese to me, don't they to you? Wait, what is that you say, they sound more, faith based, more God like, more RELIGIOUS??!!! GASP! Can't be. Marriage a religious institution? How dare thee blasphemer! So, here's the deal. A long long time ago, before Elizabeth Taylor and her 52 marriages and before Larry King started tying then untying the knot, there was this sacred institution, thought up by men, to keep women under their control. I use the word sacred because that's the word these male chauvinist fuckers used to make it sound all nice and flowery and the dumb chicks bought into it. EVERY religion has some form of marriage or union between their participants. Sometimes these unions are not socially accepted, however for the participants, these are their beliefs. And they will adamantly defend these beliefs til death do them part. Interesting that when convenient, religious fanatics (Yes, you are ALL fanatics) subscribe to the separation of church and state idealism. However, when it comes to marriages they want to have their three tiered wedding cake and eat it too. Marriage brings about some pretty awesome benefits with it. If you are "legally" married, you are in a better tax bracket, you pay less for health insurance, you have more legal rights to own property, you have more legal rights over your spouse's estate, you even have more rights over your OWN child than non-married people do. Makes sense, right? FUCK NO. In the US alone the current divorce rate is now OVER 50%. It takes 5 minutes in most states to fill out a marriage license and say "I do" and in some states it can take as much as 18 months (and thousands of dollars) to get divorced. How did we get the country to buy into this insane religious "institution"  and adopt it as a national way of life? Because you both signed a piece of paper your relationship is better than mine? It will last longer than mine? Statistics say different. And if that's the way you feel, USA, then shouldn't marriage and all it's awesome legal "perks" be extended to ALL of its citizens. I mean, after all, this is the land of the free, right? Certain inalienable rights? But that's not the way it is. The way it is now, is that the conservative right wing fucking religious zealot nut jobs, have decided that seeing two people of the same sex have the same rights that they do, makes them uncomfortable. WHAT THE FUCK SHIT IS THAT? Let me for a moment, put the gay marriage aside. If I decide that I don't want to be encumbered by this RELIGIOUS RITE OF CULT PASSAGE that everyone goes through, well because I'm not FUCKING RELIGIOUS, then I get punished as well? If I decide that I am perfectly content to have a "partner" or "domestic partner" or whatever the FUCK you want to call him, I still get dicked out of the "inalienable" rights of married people? Explain this to me. I pay taxes, I work, I vote, but because I'm not married (is this like when they wrote the constitution and they really meant that they were granting inalienable rights to white land owners only?) I get the grand fucking without any dinner or cigarette afterwards? If you think this doesn't affect you, YOU ARE WRONG. Want to buy property with your "partner" better pay your lawyers a shit-ton of money to make sure you don't get screwed out of profit when it sells. Want to adopt a baby with your "partner", only ONE of you can be the legal guardian, not both. Want to put your "partner" on your health plan? Sure, your company will pay you for what it would pay for your partner then tax you on it as additional income than pay the part that you would pay AFTER taxes. Want to make medical decisions for your partner? Fuck you, you need a living will for that. When they ask if you are "immediate family", guess what? The answer is "No". So, in our awesomely separate yet equal society, oh, I mean equal society, if you aren't God fearing, then you are just fearing... the pain of taking it in the ass with no lube.
Gun Control. I am on the fence about this one. I do believe that it is your right to arm yourself if you so choose. I do believe that is not the government's place to control this decision. I also believe that I cannot imagine a scenario wherein you would need a fucking African war lord's arsenal to defend yourself from the government or anyone for that fact. I mean look at not too distant history, the Santa Monica shootings, the Colorado shootings at the movie theater, I mean what exactly are we telling our citizens? It's okay for EVERYONE to have guns, but it's not okay for you to use them to shoot each other? Um... okay. Makes complete sense right... well it's ONLY okay for you to shoot a prostitute in Texas if she doesn't comply with your request for sex after you had to pay for it.(Pretty sure prostitution is illegal...but I digress). True story. So aside from Texas and their wild west way of life, in the real world, what the fuck is going on here? Are we hurtling towards a real life "The Purge" scenario? Will it be okay to "get it out of your system" one day per year so we can put all these guns and bullets to good use? Look, we don't live in a third world country. There is no need to stockpile arms. President Obama isn't trying to disarm the American people. If you feel safe with a gun, then good for you. Just keep your fucking gun at home where it belongs. And oh, NRA, we do fucking need more thorough background checks of people you sell your shit to. If you don't think so, then you are fucking stupid and ignorant. Mentally unstable people shouldn't have guns. But then again, fucking assholes shouldn't be controlling the country with their lobbying and bribes..... On to the next one...
Your Privacy. Ooooh.... the CIA/NSA/GESTAPO is listening to your calls, monitoring your texts, reading your FB posts... so fucking what? What do you have to hide? Sure, I believe in my right to privacy, but you know what I also fucking believe in? I believe that there are fucking lunatics out there that plot to injure and kill Americans on a daily fucking basis and you know how they plan to do it, through fucking social media, the internet and their fucking cell phones. So fucking what if the NSA wants to waste their time reading your sexts to your significant other. Would you rather feel violated or would you rather feel dead? Freedom isn't really free. People have to fight for it all over the world, yet somehow us Americans feel it's a right that we are born with, entitled to and won't lift a fucking finger to do anything about. Look, I'm not saying that we should endure violation of our constitutional rights or that censorship should ensue... But I am saying that if scanning some random calls, texts or emails makes it safe for my kids to fly around the country or live in a major city, then I am okay with that. Get over your self righteousness and stop being so self centered to believe that anyone cares what you're texting anyone about....
Gay Marriage. This one may seem redundant, but I have a point here. While this may seem to contradict the paragraph before this one, let me make something crystal clear. I don't like my fucking Mom telling me what I can and can't do let alone the fucking government. You may think this doesn't affect you because A) you're not gay B) you don't personally know any gay people or C) you happen to not like gay people. Well let me show you how we get from point A to internment camps in a very short illustration. Essentially the only difference between gay people and straight people is the way you choose to have sex. Period. If you think otherwise, you are ignorant. Please stop reading my blog if you are this ignorant, because my humor is probably lost on you anyway. So, there are still laws on the books of many states that outlaw Sodomy. For those of you new to sex, sodomy is anal sex. Now, if you think anal sex is limited to gay men, you obviously have never been on the internet. So, as a governmental entity, the USA is saying that it is wrong for you to have anal sex, period. If someone in Congress decides (most likely from the Bible belt) to interpret a new passage in the Bible to say that doggie style is immoral and it gets outlawed, still think it only affects the gay population? If the government goes one step further and says that there are certain ethnic mixes that really shouldn't pro-create because of the possibility of genetic mutations, and that gets outlawed, still doesn't affect you? How about your kids? Your family members? Do you get the gist of where I am going with this? When you sit silently by and let others be persecuted because it doesn't affect you, do you see what that leads to? There's a quote/poem by Martin Niemoller that you should google and read. And after you read that, tell me that you have the right to tell two other Americans that they aren't permitted to love, cherish and honor each other for the rest of their lives. Enough said.
Tune in next time when I give my views on Internet Memes, George Takei and other very pressing matters of the day.

Things I'd rather be doing than working.....

I have been such a slacker. Not at work, who cares, but my poor blog. I have like 7 new posts started, but alas, they remain unfinished. And why, you ask? Stupid work. You know, the thing that actually pays the bills. Stupid fucking work. It's a necessary evil after all. Aside from paying the bills, it also allows me fodder to reflect and review on right here in my blog. Although I really don't actually interact with most of the people at work, I thoroughly enjoy making fun of them. Without their knowledge of course. So in my tribute to the thing that paid for my vacation (barely) here are things I would rather be doing than working.

I would rather be writing a novel. Yes, it is true. The blog is a warm up for me to check off an item on my bucket list. I want to write the next great American novel and have my picture on a marquee out front of Barnes and Noble announcing my reading and book signing of my book. True story. Plus if I make enough money off of the royalties, I won't have to "work" anymore! 

I would rather be thinking up cool ways to irritate my kids. I mean let's face it between the three of them they have given me over 20 years worth of irritating moments, it's only fair that I begin to pay them back! :) Now that they accuse me of lying to them (Santa, Easter Bunny, etc) and not teaching them how to handle money properly (sorry I gave you things you asked for you ungrateful little shits) I figure it would be the least I could do. 

I would rather be finding out creative and awesome new ways to exact karma on people that deserve it. I have a list (in my head) of ALL the people that deserve some kind of "pay back". This would be like finding creative ways to kill people on death row, only on a smaller scale.  

I would rather be watching a TV channel with nothing but the following programming: Knicks games, NYY games, Dolphins games, and ANYthing with the guy from Vikings and the guy from Sons of Anarchy. All day, no commercials. 

I would rather be challenging Kobe Bryant to a "tweet off". Seriously, let's see who can criticize the Lakers faster and better. My money is on me!  

I would rather be thinking up reasons of why I should rule the world. There are many reasons, but the most important would be because then everybody would be doing things the "right' way (aka:MY way).

I would rather be thinking up interview questions for the Supreme Leader of North Korea (that is what he is called, I didn't make that up) Kim Jong-Un. These questions would include things like "How do you think your soccer team will do at the next World Cup?" "How do you feel about the Bulls chances at an NBA title without Michael Jordan?" I would select Diane Sawyer to conduct the interview, because of course EVERYONE loves Diane Sawyer. 

I would rather be thinking up exotic new holidays for everyone to have MORE days off of work. Like celebrating the birth of the person who created chocolate. Celebrating the birth of the woman who gave birth to the person who created chocolate.  Or every woman gets to choose one day per month when she is really PMS'ng and doesn't have to go to work. You get my point here.
I would rather be categorizing by album collection by genre, or by the year I was really INTO said genre or just reveling in the fact that I am so old, I actually have an album collection. Fuck you Itunes and your Genius bullshit.
I would rather be doing Insanity for 12 hours a day so I could find Shaun T one day and be fast enough to run away after I punch him in the face! You can DO it!  Fuck you Shaun T!!
I would rather start becoming the new Martha Stewart. But the cooler, more realistic version. Like this is how you make a gourmet meal when you have ketchup, hamburger helper, two donuts and a banana in your kitchen. And crafts like, using left over toilet paper cardboard as something more useful than just piling it up on the side of the toilet.
I would rather be scouring YouTube for the newest version of Justin Bieber and then train him to be the secret ninja assassin of Justin Bieber. After he of course makes millions singing stupid songs that kids think are awesome and has a cool haircut that looks like a 12th century stable boy!

Alas, I have spent all of my work day avoiding work....yet again! Until next time.....keep on keepin on and remember that you too can shirk responsibilities and become a famous blogger, just like me!!! 

We are all going to hell on a sled.

Having said that, I actually don't believe in hell. Hell is here and now, hell is what you do to yourself and the limitations and boundaries you place on yourself. However, if there were a magical land of fire and brimstone where all the"bad" people go for their sins.. then trust me, we would all be there. As I make my daily observations of these people we call humans on this planet we call Earth I wonder how we make it through the day at all. I think about the things that used to be taboo that are now everyday occurrences and the things that people used to do everyday that would be considered poor form today. In this era of what they call "social media" everyone has an opinion and they can express it, immediately, publicly and without fear of confrontation or retribution. Political careers are started and demolished in social media. Music careers are launched from YouTube now. All you have to have is a phone with a camera and video functionality and you too can be the next "big thing". I wonder in all of this madness what happened to us? Sure progress, technology, advancements in medical science all of that is inevitable and mostly for the positive, but have we become so jaded in our "advancements" have we forgot to be us, the human us? Get on an elevator now a days and what do you see? 90% of the people with their heads tilted down looking at their phones. Nobody makes eye contact, nobody greets their neighbor anymore. If I were the supreme being I can think of a few things that I would condemn humans to eternal damnation for. And as always, I have conveniently put them in a list format for you to easily follow along. I know, no thanks required. 

I can't say this enough, Reality TV. The creators should go first, but then all of us go behind them. And YES, Housewives of whatever fucking city you are watching is reality TV. 

Creators of and contributors to Social Media. The very idea that you can besmirch someone with a few keystrokes is progressive and diabolical all at once. We as humans are not ready for this type of responsibility and the never a care attitude we have about it proves as much. If you need any more proof, there was a Facebook page for someone trying to "sell" their child. I am not joking. 

People using religion as an excuse for everything from guns, marriage, sexual orientation to blowing a bunch of innocent people up. I can guarantee you that there is no deity (if deities existed) that would condone people arming themselves just because, using marriage as an excuse to discriminate (A RELIGIOUS institution-don't get me started), and murdering non-believers as part of it's basic principles. In the name of (insert appropriate deity here) you are banished to hell. 

People taking 9 hours to order your ice cream, frozen yogurt, whatever the fuck when there is a line of people out the door. You've had 22 hours to make a decision. The fucking ice cream looks the same up close as it did from 2 feet away. Stop being an attention whore, make your selection and keep it moving. Sheesh!

People pushing the elevator button when it's already lit. WTF? It's lit, pushing it more than once doesn't make it come any faster asshole. Have some fucking patience and common sense. Oh, and wait until ALL the people get out of the elevator before your impatient ass jumps in. Hell: level 2

People that feel compelled to tell you EXACTLY how they are doing when you ask this benign, rhetorical question. FUUUCCKKK. I don't care that your dog died, your kid graduated from Kindergarten or that you have a nagging case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The word "Fine" was invented for a reason.

Asshole drivers. This includes, not using your turn signal, cutting people off, driving too fast, driving too slow, driving in the emergency lane during a traffic jam, and basically whatever you do to piss me off while we are "sharing" the road. 

Clowns. Enough said. Eww..just got a shiver. 

The ex (either girlfriend or boyfriend) of your current partner that is just so friendly. Like they broke up in high school but have stayed "friends". (That's just code for ongoing booty call when they were single or bored). And they just want to be your "friend". WTF? I need more friends like I need a hole in the head. Nobody wants to hear what their fucking current partner did when they were with someone else. Nobody likes to reminisce. Shut the fuck up and get a life. 

Oprah. I mean if ANYone on the planet deserves to go to hell more than Oprah, I can't imagine who it would be. We are going to find out during the apocalypse that she has been an agent for Satan the whole time. You wait....

People who suggest, organize and/or participate in work pot lucks. This is a special kind of nastiness that I can't EVEN begin to describe. If you want to feed your family leftovers then have at it. 

Movie stars who ACTUALLY believe their opinion is worth more than a piece of shit. Seriously. It's acting. It's not brain surgery. You are not actually DOING anything. Most people learn to do it by age 2 and it's known in its more refined art form as LYING! Becoming an actor doesn't automatically make you a political expert, a philanthropist, a smart person or even mean that people LIKE you. It means that people are lemmings and are bored with their own lives and you happen to most likely be moderately attractive so they fantasize about having your life. 

People who schedule "play dates" for their kids. What the fuck is this shit? Scheduling a play date. Your fucking kid isn't an executive. It's a kid. Take them to the park, let them play with other kids and voila, play date, crisis avoided. Sheesh....fucking ridiculous. 

People who use their fingers for air quotes. I just seriously want to punch them in the face. 

People who conveniently forget that they were shitty in their past and want you to act like it never happened so they can live a happy life. Look, I'm all about forgive but NEVER forget. WTF? You were a raging whore and now we are all supposed to forget that you gave the entire Senior class an STD because you are at the reunion with your husband? FUCK that. (Famous people with this complex: Madonna, Cher and Tom Cruise)

I mean sure, I could have listed the usual suspects, murderers, your step parent, that creepy uncle nobody talks about or lets you be alone with, etc. but what fun would that be? 

Resolutions, schmezolutions.....

Happy New Year and all that jazz, kinda late I know. We all survived the apocalypse and have made our way into 2013, a "new" year, a time to start fresh. There is one thing that I have never understood though, why make resolutions? What exactly are they for? I mean who are you fooling when you promise to make your life infinitely better by saving money or losing weight or hanging out with your friends more? You're not fooling me I tell you. I mean, my first resolution was to get things done more timely and well, here's my New Year's blog on the close to eve of St. Patrick's Day.  What are you gonna do? I understand the premise that we need a kick in the pants to get ourselves on track, but really, declaring publicly your intentions makes no sense to me. Are you trying to shame yourself into getting these things done? 

I have taken the liberty of decoding some of the more popular resolutions and what they REALLY mean and WHY people really made them. 

* I am going to live healthier and exercise more. 
What this really means: I am going to join a gym which will suck my bank      account dry from now until eternity, check in at the gym a couple times on Facebook to fool people into thinking that I am actually getting myself in shape. I am going to try the newest "fad" diet or cleanse and then give up as soon as someone offers me anything with sugar in it. 
Why I made this resolution: Because I am overweight and lazy. And next year and the year after that I will make the same resolution and will never lose weight. *I may lose weight with the existence of an upcoming important social event, but will gain it all back shortly thereafter.

* I am going to be financially prudent with my money and save more money.
What this really means: I am in debt to my eyeballs. 
Why I made this resolution: To give people the illusion that I care about being fiscally prudent. And because the other day at Nordstroms they actually cut up more than one of my credit cards. 

* I am going to spend more time with my friends. 
What this really means: I have been blissfully ignoring all of my friends and with a potential crisis on the horizon, I need some friends.
Why I made this resolution: I feel that my significant other and I may be on shaky ground and I am going to need a support system pretty soon. OR, I am unemployed and need someone to pay for my social outings. OR, I just broke up with my significant other and am looking for a friend with benefits! 

* I am going to travel more this year.
What this really means: I have joined the ranks of "Funemployment" (look it up, it will piss you off) OR I am coming up on a landmark birthday and don't want to be in town to celebrate it. 
Why I made this resolution: See above. 

* I am going to get more organized this year.
What this really means: I am so out of control that I showed up for a wedding that happened on the same date last year. 
Why I made this resolution: All of my friends have complained that my place is a pig sty, I never show up for social events on time, and I never remember anyone's significant events. Really, this resolution will last for about 5 minutes until I go back to being the self centered narcissist that all of my friends really love me for.....

* I am going to quit smoking
What this really means: I am not going to smoke around the people I know that complain about it. 
Why I made this resolution:  So the people who complain about me smoking will shut the fuck up! 

* I am going be more proactive about my health
What this really means: Men: You have a burning sensation in your penis when you pee and you REALLY need to get it checked out. Women: You are more than 2 weeks late and have turned 15 pregnancy tests positive, but are still hoping those home tests are cheap pieces of shit.
Why I made this resolution: Well, shit if the two examples above aren't reason enough...WTF? ;0) 

You see where I am going with this. No one really ever means to carry out their resolutions, they just feel like it's something that's required at the new year. Kind of like going to church those four times a year (Easter, Palm Sunday Christmas, and New Year's). Or telling your significant other that they don't look fat when the button flies off their pants and almost takes your eye out. Or telling your significant other that of course they are the only one you've been with "like that"... whoa whoa whoa, I digress..... 
So I think that we should all take a stand and boycott resolutions. Next year, don't place any kind of expectations on yourself, just go with the flow. And if you happen to miss a few important dates, then so be it. At least you won't be a lazy,unsuccessful, liar. Until next new years kiddies, keep your resolutions like you keep you hopes and dreams....UNFULFILLED!! Muah!! 

The 2013 version of WTF? Seriously, WTF?

As I write this blog it occurs to me that there may be someone who has been living under a rock on a remote desert island or permanently trapped on an episode of Survivor (Gilligan's Island style) who doesn't know the acronym WTF. Technically WTF stands for What the Fuck? But there are parents (yeah, yeah) who change it up to what the freak or what the fiddlesticks...whatever your cup of tea, it means something so utterly ridiculous and disturbing that you found yourself in a position to utter those very words (even if they were only in your mind). So, although it's only January, I have already identified the top WTF moments/stories/issues of 2013. Okay, so technically some of them may have started in 2012, but still.....

Moment number one: WTF Lance Armstrong?

I mean really. WTF were you thinking? You lied, manipulated, bullied, threatened your way to national admiration and to a FORTUNE. You vehemently denied the rumors and when it was brought up acted like a 12 year old and stomped your feet (which should have been our first clue...). I mean, this WTF moment could go on all day, but the bottom line is that once again, Americans are always so desperate to put someone on a  pedestal and yet even more thrilled to knock them the fuck off and watch them tumble down. I am not saying that Lance has anyone to blame for this but himself, but why are we still giving two shits about this asshole when there are more pressing matters in the world? Fuck you Lance Armstrong and your lying, cheating ass. I hope your other testicle falls off, but not from cancer, from someone who you screwed over kicking you so hard in the groin. P.S.- Cheryl Crowe doesn't seem like such a bitch now for breaking up with him, huh? You judgmental assholes! ;0) 

Moment number two: WTF Manti Te'o (whatever the fuck your name really is) Lyin Hawaiian

This is the most ridiculous story I have ever had the displeasure of hearing about, over and over and over again. I really fucking thought my kids were talking about some kid at their high school, because that's exactly where this story should ONLY be discussed. WHO THE FUCK CARES? As a tax paying adult I could give a fuck less if some kid from Hawaii going to a Catholic school in Indiana dedicated to the Mormon religion out of Utah lies about his girlfriend or not. Did he date rape anyone? Did he kill anyone? Is he having steroid induced rage killing thoughts? No, then shut the fuck up and move the fuck on. Again, Americans tsk tsk tsk.... you are giving people like Bill Simmons a reason to exist and annoy the fuck out of anyone that isn't from Boston. 

Moment number three: WTF (or more to the point is WHO the Fuck) is Chief Keef?

This idiotic wanna be gangster kid from Chicago is started to annoy the fuck out of me and I don't even know who he is. Apparently he's 17 and keeps getting arrested and then crying like the little bitch that he is. (And that is not a reference to a weak female or a female dog). Stop paying attention to this fucking adolescent shithead and start paying attention to important things. 

Moment number four: WTF Kim Kardashian? And WTF her Mom. (I don't even know the psycho's name)

I really hate even wasting my carpal tunnel typing moments on this self degrading, moronic, gold digging, attention whoring, actual whore, but really? Her Mom is mad at Kanye because he announced that she's pregnant when the Mom wanted to sell the story to the tabloids. Let's take a step back here... her MOM, wanted to sell the story of her married to another man, about to have a child with another man (who isn't the first other man) self promoting daughter? WTF is wrong with this bitch? You know, I can always tell the good Moms from the bad ones. Not that in this case it was hard to spot, but if someone says something negative about your child and you offer to sell it to a tabloid, pretty sure you're a piece of shit Mom and even worse human being. The fact that this chick and her family have become famous for ABSOLUTELY nothing incenses me to no end. They all deserve to have been taken off the planet on 12/21/12, seriously. And for the sake of all mankind, someone put in implant into ALL of these whores to stop them from procreating. Because trust me, one day the money is going to run out and WE (the American public who adore them so much... NOT) are going to be picking up the tab for them and their kids. Until of course they release the sex tape of them post giving birth....UGH! And a big FUCK YOU to Ryan Cheesecrest (Seacrest) for creating this fucking piece of shit show in the first place. 

Moment number five: WTF backwards ass inbred hillbilly redneck mother fuckers of WBC. (In case you didn't know, WBC stands for Westboro Baptist Church)

Another fucking idiotic bunch of fucktards that I hate to waste time on, but for your sake, you need to know these fuckers are out there. The website for this "church" (I say that VERY loosely)  is www.godhatesfags.com. This says it all. This group of stellar "Christians" were going to picket the funerals of the children killed at Sandy Hook Elementary because they say that "God" sent the shooter to punish the parents of these kids because they are obvious sinners. Are you fucking shitting me right now? Why is it that when you do fucked up shit to other people, you are alwasy citing "God" as your source of inspiration? Be a real fucking adult and if you believe in something don't hide behind "God", put your balls out there and take your lumps like everyone else.  I am all for the constitution and freedoms, but these people, all you can say is WTF? These people picket military funerals, they are actually picketing in Times Square today because they claim that NYC is the "epicenter of international commerce and they represent fag central". These people are on a whole other level of fucking stupid. A church and group that the State of Kansas can be proud of, I'm sure. By the way, people are circulating a petition to have them officially named a hate group. If you get a chance, sign the petition. https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/legally-recognize-westboro-baptist-church-hate-group/DYf3pH2d

Moment number six: WTF using FB "Likes" to get what you want.

Really? If my kids asked me for a dog and I said "no", then it would cost them a fuck of a lot more than a million FB "likes" to get one. Is this real parenting? What the fuck did you just teach your kids? That they should place every importance on social media and fuck working hard to get what you want? Woo hoo, the little midgets made a fucking sign. BIG FUCKING DEAL. Look, I'm all for kids being activists, but this shit right here, fucking lazy ass parenting and blasphemous to say the least. And even MORE ridiculous, is that apparently the executives at GMA (good morning america) have run out of fucking NEWS ideas and put these fucking lazy kids on TV. Are you serious? What the fuck has the world come to? Should I fucking write a sign that says if I get a million likes my boss will give me a fucking raise? Fuck actually working hard to earn the raise, just give it to me because I can find one million lazy ass fuckers with nothing else to do but CLICK A FUCKING BUTTON to help me get a raise. Glad that these people are actually getting a rescue pet but come on, really, this was a colossal parenting fuck up. This didn't teach them responsibility at all. Wake the fuck up and take responsibility for your kids and their upbringing. I swear to you I just saw some fucking kid from Norway made a sign that some (obviously well parented) girl in his class will have sex with him if he gets a million likes. You see? A fucking epidemic of laziness already spreading the globe.... FUCKERS. 

I am certain that we will be back, revisiting additional WTF moments of 2013 shortly, but for now, I have to send an email to all my friends who like the Lakers and ask them where their car flags are this year? WTF?