Chocolate or Vanilla?

So, it's been a while since we've spoken. I've had many, many thoughts, some of them random and some of them observations. You see what I did there? Anyhow, since I've got some spare time as I am spending time in a lovely town, with lovely people and lovely things to do, I figured fuck it, let me sit in my hotel room and share my shit with you all. What can I say, I'm a giver. 

 

Getting back on topic, the age old debate Chocolate or Vanilla. I mean, who hasn't struggled with this choice? And if you haven't, you obviously are missing the entire point of this blog. Are you a Vanilla person? Have you always known you were a Vanilla person? Did you even think about trying Chocolate? Are you a Chocolate person that sneaks Vanilla every once in a while? I'll give you my take on both and if you STILL can't decide, then well, maybe professional help is in order. 

I have to tell you that my first love was Vanilla. I know love is a strong word for Vanilla and believe me I didn't think I would ever use it either, but I did grow to love Vanilla. It was not love at first sight, but I kept an open mind. You know at first it just seemed plain and like something that I would try in passing and then move on. It seemed as though trying Vanilla made me like everyone else. I mean, it is the NUMBER ONE ice cream flavor. Did I want to be like everyone else? Was I ready to try a new flavor? But then I tried Vanilla and discovered that Vanilla was not as plain as I originally thought and that I could even add whatever I wanted to Vanilla to make it better or more exciting. And in the end, I finally realized that I loved Vanilla just the way it was. There were times I wanted Vanilla all to myself but there were others who loved Vanilla  much as I did, and some even more. I didn't like sharing Vanilla but since I already knew how great Vanilla was I couldn't really keep it all to myself. Eventually, like all good things, my time with Vanilla came to an end. Sigh, I really wanted to keep Vanilla, but I knew that it was time to move on and try other flavors. So, Vanilla went back to flavor town and I moved on to try new and other exciting flavors. And that's when I discovered Chocolate. 

I can't even really remember the exact moment that I decided to try Chocolate. I had so many different feelings about flavors at that point, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Chocolate was so different from any other flavor I had ever had. I mean I had heard about Chocolate and how many ways people had loved Chocolate, but I didn't really think it was for me. I waited as long as I could, but I finally gave in and tried Chocolate. And holy fuck was Chocolate for me. It was most definitely love at first sight. It was a feeling that I couldn't put into words (I know right, ME...no words). Chocolate was plain, exciting, different, and the same all at once. Chocolate seemed like the flavor I had been waiting to try my whole life. Once again, there were other people who loved Chocolate like I did, even more, but this time, I didn't think I could bare to part with Chocolate. Chocolate was absolutely the best flavor that happened to me in my life. How could I wake up everyday and not have Chocolate? I needed Chocolate and it was going to my flavor of choice for the rest of my life.

It isn't that Chocolate is better or more exciting than Vanilla, it's just different, it's the flavor I will choose first over and over again. Will I still try Vanilla? Of course, I'll always have love for Vanilla. At the end of the day, I think a little piece of me will always have the question....Chocolate or Vanilla?

 I'm outta here. I have a craving for ice cream.....Guess which flavor? 

Explain it to me like I'm in Kindergarten.......

When I was little, I thought it was pronounced KiddieGarden and I imagined some magical place with kids and a lot of trees and flowers and because I was a little idiot, probably unicorns and shit too. Then two things happened, I stopped being an idiot and I didn't get to go to KiddieGarden, I skipped, I was too advanced. I know right? Hard to believe, but I swear it's true. You probably thought this was going to be about KiddieGarden, but it's not. I know I will let the disappointment wash over you. No, this shit is about the stupid fucking things people do that I would LOVE for them to explain to me....like I was in Kindergarten. I want to make sure I fully grasp the level of stupidity it took for them arrive at the place they currently are.

I would love for the groups that single themselves out for their differences to explain to me (of course) like I was in Kindergarten how this is helpful? While I am a big proponent of celebrating the diversity of all, isn't the very fact that you're segregating yourself from whomever your perceived "oppressors" are giving them what they want? Remember when Loius Farakhan wanted the US government to give all African American people the Northwest part of the United States? (I swear I didn't make that up.. .google it) how would that have been helpful to African Americans? How can he not understand that separate but equal doesn't work? Again, celebrating your culture is one thing, but sports leagues, clubs, etc that ONLY include a specific ethnic group how is that any different than what these same groups complain about all of the time? If I want to join the Latin Football (that's soccer for you Americans...) club, am I not allowed to? How is that different than being excluded for  being Latin? And if I CAN in fact join the Latin Football club, then why call it the Latin Football club. Why not call it the Everyone Football club? What I'm saying here is I want someone to explain to me how celebrating their differences by excluding others is any different than racism or sexism? I will leave the comment section open. (But type slowly)

I would also enjoy it if the people that voted for the Cheeto in office could explain to me like I was in Kindergarten, exactly what about HIM they thought would make a good choice for President? And by exactly what about HIM, I mean just that. Not because he was a better choice than Hillary or because he was different from Obama. What characteristics about this person did you think would make him a good leader for this country? I would LOVE to hear about his achievements that led you to believe with all of your voting heart that he was the best choice for this country. And again, I will leave the comments section open, but if you can't type a response without using Hillary, Obama or Liberals, that you get the Gong. (if you're too young to know what the gong is, google that shit).

My next request would have to be to have it explained to me how (and this is like my 1 millionth time requesting this) these people who do absolutely fucking nothing are famous for that shit? Seriously, Trashdashians, the people from the fucking stupid show about high school in Orange County, the housewives?? Fuck, my Grandma was a housewife and I didn't see anyone lining up to buy shit she made. WTF? So if I'm understanding this, all I have to do to be famous and make millions (and possibly marry a rapper or basketball player) is be a whore, do nothing, be a whore, have absolutely no discernible talent and oh yes, be a whore and make sure everyone on national television knows about it? I think I need to rethink my career choices.

Maybe this was all explained in KiddieGarden and I missed it?

Have you ever noticed?

I play this game a lot with my husband, and he hates it. He calls it judgemental. Whatever.. he's a dude, he doesn't get it. He OBVIOUSLY hasn't read my blog post about the differences of being judgemental and making observations... duh. But seriously, don't you ever stop and shake your head (for me it's literally one million times a day) and go what the fuck was that person thinking? I have a whole lotta these so strap in my fellow observationists.

Have you ever noticed that the people that "praise God" for their blessings all the time are usually ( I said usually, don't go getting all up in arms) the ones that complain about everything? It's like those people that order a big mac meal and then a diet coke. Like it evens it out. It doesn't. 

Ever notice that the parents that constantly talk about or post about how great their kids are usually have the biggest asshole kids. EVERYONE'S kid uses technology now a days, who are you lying to? I'm not judging you, parents get by doing what works for them. But come on, nobody's kids are perfect, not even mine. :p

Have you ever noticed that literally every single person that voted for the Cheeto cannot provide a reason or explanation as to why they voted for him without using the words Hillary, Obama or Liberals? If he was the best choice, then you should be able to at least point to something he does well and not what his predecessors or opponents have done wrong. Word. 

Ever notice that certain groups of society that some people (not me) may label as minorities (and I don't necessarily mean your ethnic background) seem to separate themselves from the whole of society by participating in activites that include only "their" group can be part of and exclude the so-called majority (or other minorities for that fact) which is literally the definition of paradoxy, irony and hipocrisy all at the same time? Hmmmm.....

Have you ever noticed that the faster you drive on the freeway, the harder the rain seems to get? I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. It's a natural phenomena. (I really want to put the person who said that to me on blast, but I can't)

Have you ever noticed that people that begin their sentences or thoughts with "To be honest" or "I'm going to tell you the truth" are always lying? It's like they're prepping your mind to believe the bullshit that's about to spew out. Like you won't notice. I notice fuckers, I notice.

Ever notice that one "friend" that everyone has that gives everyone advice usually has the most fucked up life? Living in their Mom's basement, no job and dating someone's husband/wife and trying to tell you to leave your Significant Other or quit your job. Know why? MISERY LOVES COMPANY. 

Alright, enough enlightment for one post. 

An Open Letter to my Children

Besides being a crazy woman, a career woman, a small business owner, an outrageously talented blogger, a sports fan, an awesome friend, an amazing wife, you get the picture, I am a Mom. Yes, the "M" word. I have been a Mom for going on 25 years now. It's funny because it's not like I dreamed of having kids when I was little. Completely the opposite in fact. I told my Grandmother when I was 16 that I was probably never going to get married and was definitely not having kids, and if I did, it would be through artificial insemination via a donor from the sperm bank. She looked me dead in the eye and asked if I was a lesbian. True story.  But here I am now, three kids, a step-kid and on my second marriage. Talk about best laid plans... I am literally laughing out loud as I type that. Anyhow, my kids have all passed the age that I was when I first became a Mom and sometimes the mood strikes me I send them text messages or have "family meetings" (their favorite) to remind them that they are not ready to be parents any time soon. These texts and meetings usually involve them staring at me in horror and me rolling on the floor laughing. What are you going to do?

It's a funny funny world we live in now a days (I sound like my Nona...) and I wonder how they are going to get through it sometimes. How are they going to know what to do and when to do it? Who is going to tell them how to make Easter baskets and pretend to be Santa Claus and even though you may want to punch some kid in the face, letting their kids fight their own battles? And then it hit me, I mean I always knew it deep down, but I am NEVER going to stop being their Mom. FUUCCKKK... I didn't sign up for this long of a haul. What the fuck? It is my job to keep teaching them until the fucking day I day and even probably then I will be giving direction as to what to do next. I joke, I use sarcasm, but if you don't feel that way and you have kids, please reevaluate your life choices and if you don't have kids yet, please continue down that path. I am the most serious I can be when I say that this is a lifelong commitment. Fuck good times and bad, you don't have time to distinguish between the two and it all runs together until you get a moment to take a breath and look back and it's all over. Sounds sad, I know, but fuck what an adventure. So, even though I'm not dying or anything (at least not today) I thought I would impart some lasting wisdom on these little fuckers (who aren't so little anymore) before I set out on my next adventure, so here goes an open letter to my spawn (biological and otherwise)

Dear Spawn,

You may not have always understood why I did the things I did, but I understood, and it was for your own good. Could I have been less dramatic or even lowered my voice, probably, but what fun would that have been and would it have really left that much of an impression on you? If there is anything I can tell you about raising kids and having a family is that you cannot take yourself or anything too seriously. I remember stressing about what outfits you were going to wear on each holiday and taking the perfect picture and putting up the perfect decorations. But you know what I realized?  You were too little to notice and you only remembered how you FELT during those times, and who was there and not much else. Fuck, for Christmas one year someone wanted a Barbie dream house, got it and the proceeded to play with the fucking box for two hours before even looking at the damn thing.
However, I am getting ahead of myself. Before anything else, try and find a job you love doing and if you can't find that, that at least something you can tolerate or something that allows you time to do something you love. A lifetime of misery due to work is no fun. Oh, and make sure it pays enough to keep you in your OWN house. Choose a partner that completes you and doesn't define you. Stand on your own, always have your own money for emergencies and always know that you survived long before they were in your life and you will most definitely survive (if need be) without them in your life. You will however, not survive without your Mother. Because I will hunt you down and take you out. Seriously. You recall my favorite saying during your childhood? "I brought you into this world and I will damn sure take you out". Children are not for everyone, but they are forever. Whatever you choose (or don't choose)  I wish for you that your kids pull the absolute dumb fuckery shenanigans that you pulled as kids. I hope that your kids lose all of their fucking shoes every time you are about to leave the house. I hope that every relative you know gives them 152 pounds of candy for Easter and Halloween and that they receive the noisiest most annoying toys for Christmas gifts. I hope they test your patience during school days and decide that "sweating is not for them" in the middle of a soccer game. I hope they decide that they don't give a shit about school and then beg for your help the day before their projects are due. I hope they tell you that Grandma's house is way more fun than your house. I hope that every friend they pick is an absolute asshole and they invite them over every fucking opportunity they get. I hope that they decide that curfews are an option and you never get a good night's sleep from the day they are born. I hope they decide that they want to go the most expensive far away college they can find, only to return a year later. But truly what I wish for you in life is that if you decide to have children that they bring you the joy and love that you have all brought and continue to bring to my life on a daily basis. And I hope you are one tenth as good of a parent as I am fuckers! As always, your loving Mother. 

I'm a snowflake, so fuck you

Ugh... see what 2017 has done to me already? I fucking missed my Merry Fucking Christmas post, I missed my un-resolution, resolution post and now I have to fucking write about politics. WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, what the fuck? So much has happened since this piece of trash uneducated shit (POTUS-see what I did there?) has taken office, I have been forced, forced I tell you to address it. I am what you call politically an extremist. There are beliefs I have that are far right (very few and far between) and some I have to the extreme left, but I am mostly in the middle. Really, what I'm mostly for is a real democracy, which we don't have. But fuck... there has been some ridiculous shit that has happened.

First, starting off with the fucking ignorant people who berated and belittled all the HUMAN BEINGS who marched all over the world for a common belief, fuck you. For those women who believe that their pussies shouldn't be grabbed randomly, their procreation rights trampled by the government and want equal pay and treatment in the workplace... thank you , I appreciate your stance and your passion. Am I feminist? Probably not, I think mostly because I say the word bitch too much. But seriously, I have been saying for years that women are the most discriminated against group in the world, and I'm pretty much always right, so there. The problem is the divide created by BOTH sides. What's that saying, opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and everyone's stinks. If you don't like the smell of the asshole, move on to the next. No need for name calling or violence. No need to belittle what someone else believes in to further your own cause. (This does not count for racism, religious intolerance or advocating violence, because I said so)

Second, just the sheer lack of experience and lack of honesty. Look, I was born at night, but not last fucking night. (I actually don't know if I was born at night, so Mom or Dad if you're reading this, a little clarification please). Maybe it was a good idea to have a business person run the country. More efficient, less special interests, more innovation. I agree, but not the business man they chose. His business ventures aren't even successful and they're dishonest and shady. He hasn't worked for anything ever and he is perpetuating this environment of ignorance by nominating and appointing people even less qualified than him, if possible. This is a problem. The bullshit-o-meter is off the charts on this regime (not an administration because that implies organization and efficency) and the level of hostility is just unbelievable. The maturity level of this person and his staff to take to SOCIAL media (it's fucking called SOCIAL media because it's not ACTUAL media) to rip off whatever pops into their fucking ignorant minds is just mind blowing. No leader of any country, nation or territory is perfect and you're not going to please all of the people all of the time, but there's got to be some effoft and plan to at least further the welfare of the people you are supposed to be taking care of.

Lastly, it brings me to my final and yet saddest point. Look, bullshit aside, I (me and mine) are going to be fine. We're going to endure this fucking nightmare for as long as it lasts, with most likely minimal impact. And it's because we have careers in industries that are essentially recession proof and none of our immediate family members are gay. (another post for another day on how this regime is the most discriminatory) We're going to be alright. You know who is not going to be alright? All the misinformed, misled people from White middle America who decided that he was the best option. The best option, think about that for a minute. A (might as well be through his statements and actions) self declared misogynist, a person with a track record of blatant racism, a person with ties to countries with whom this country has declared "enemies of the state". THIS was what they felt was their best option. Opinions (or assholes, whichever you like best) of the previous administration aside, or the proposed opponent in the past election aside, this was NOT the best option for those rural farmers in Ohio, those unemployed in Michigan and those disenfranchised from the "Bible Belt". This person does not care about their plight or their future. This is evident in the cabinet selections he has made and the pretend "laws" he has tried to enact. The most unfortunate part is that whoever inherits this mess when it is over, is going to spend their first 4 years cleaning it up before they can tackle the issues that this alternative fact spewer promised he would take care of.

I can't remember a time (probably because I am so young) when the country was so divided, and violently divided with opinions about the leadership of this country. I can't remember a time when our fellow American felt so completely opposed to immigrants entering this country post WWII. I can't remember ever despising a leader of this country more than I despise this man (and I lived through George W. Bush) and the people that are so vehemently dedicated to his cause and bullshit. These are odd times my friends, and I hope with all my heart you find a way a through. There is a post with no attributed author on tips on how to "resist" the new president. You should Google that shit.

Until then, call me a fucking snowflake. That's fucking right, because you know what, there are no two identical snowflakes because just like us they all have assholes, I mean opinions. Fight the good fight my friends.

What I am thankful for.....

I bet you thought this was going to be a heartfelt post about all the things I love in my life, my family, blah blah blah. Well you obviously haven't been paying attention. It cracks me up that with my legion of blog followers (a total of zero because you assholes don't share my wisdom with friends and family) the favorite is always the Merry Fucking Christmas post. You know why? Because that shit is REAL. Not sugar coated, Martha Stewart fake shit, REAL shit about the holidays. So I thought I'd take that premise and apply it to my second favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. (My first favorite is Christmas and Halloween is not a fucking holiday). I tend to write in list format and the reason really is because it's easier for stupid people to read and relate to. It's like I'm telling them what's important and the order it goes in. Don't believe me, did you see the results of the last election? I rest my case. So in no particular order (wink wink) here is what I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful that the NFL moved the PAT (point after try) back to the 25 yard line. Why, you ask? Well if you're a football fan, you've noticed a fuck of a lot more kicks getting blocked or flat out missed, which fucking makes me laugh. For all of you that are not NFL fans, but may be NBA fans, missing a PAT is like missing a fucking free throw. If you can't make that shit, why even bother being a professional athlete. So, I like to see people that call themselves professional athletes (oxymoron) fail. It's kind of my thing. 

I am thankful that stupid people still exist and place their talents on display publicly and often. I mean fuck 2016 and was really the year of the moron not the monkey, let's be honest. I could list the examples, but that would be the whole blog. Just suffice to say that something called "the mannequin challenge" exists. Enough said. 

I am thankful that Joe Biden is seriously the funnies mother f"er to be in office. That dude slays me. On top of all of the memes that are out about him and Obama, the actual real shit he does is f'n hilarious. Google that shit. 

I am thankful that I can say "google that shit" and people can actually find stuff out without me having to explain it. Makes my life so much easier. 

I am thankful that Tim Tebow has resurrected his career and is becoming a baseball player. I also believe fully in the fact that he is the next coming of Jesus Christ. What? You don't believe? Have you ever seen them in the same room together? Did he not miraculously (and famously) save a baseball fan from dying just by laying his hands on them? Makes you think, right? 

I am thankful that Fox decided to hire Pete Rose and Alex Rodriguez as commentators during the world series. That shit was fucking hilarious. Alex is extremely intelligent (I'll admit I was surprised) and makes these astute observations and then the next minute is going over to fix Pete Rose's tie as he slumps into the camera shot.Classic! 

And finally I am thankful for people who lost their mind over the election. I mean seriously. I am not oblivious to the facts of the campaign and the people involved, but fuck, relax. I mean don't sit around and not do anything about what you believe in, but fuck typing a 1052 word rant on FB is not going to change the results. I will sit back and laugh at what a cry baby you are if you do that. You want real change, get off your ass and out from behind your keyboard and go get it. Analyzing the stupidity of the average american (see item #2 above) can take months or years and by that time it's already time to elect another person. It's not preschool, you can't sit around and cry until they give in and not everybody gets a fucking trophy. Put on your big people panties and get on with your life. 

Then seriously, I am extremely grateful to be surrounded by a wonderful family with my loving husband, great kids, and all of our extended brood. We are fortunate to have great friends who are like second family to us as well. And with all of my sincerest wishes, I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving from me and mine! 

Dear America,

Dear America, 

We're broken. We're not beyond hope, yet, but we're broken. In the wake of what can only be described as one of the most horrifying events of the last decade, America elected an old white man. But wait, you say, we've elected old white men before. What's the difference? The difference is it's 2016 mother fuckers. MLK hoped that by now we'd be judging people by the "content of their character and not by the color of their skin". And to say this candidate lacked character would be the understatement of the century.  I have nothing against old men, white men, or men in general. I have a LOT against this old white man. A blatant racist, misogynist, and all around douche bag. He has absolutely ZERO business acumen, absolutely ZERO political experience and yet America thought he'd make a good commander in chief. Well, actually not most of America, and not even the majority of American only the uneducated America.  America, the trail blazer for democracy, is still using a 150 plus year old system to elect their leader. Let that sink in. America said that they were so tired of the "status quo" (who happens to be a black man) that they needed to go back to feeling comfortable again. They needed to go back to feeling like they were going to be in charge of their lives. I say "they" but they are we, they are us. We are a country divided like no other time in history. This division goes beyond race, gender and economic equality. This division comes down to human decency. The ability to treat our fellow human American with decency.  To have to think about calling this ass clown the President sickens me to no end. 

But remember what I said in the beginning? We're not beyond hope. Not yet. I hear a lot of people on Facebook asking what are they going to tell their kids. Here's what you tell your kids. You tell them that in real life there are setbacks. In real life people are NOT always nice people or good people but that they have to keep doing what they think is right. You tell them that the fact that this person with ZERO experience was elected to be the President of the United States  makes  it even more possible for ANYONE (including your child) to be the next President, to be a better President. You tell your kids that they should never settle for the "status quo" because that's why this person was placed in office. We are using a system to "democratically elect" a President that is over 150 years old and needs to be changed. You tell your kids that there is hope because a woman (who has only had the right to vote for less than 100 years) actually received MORE votes than the person that "won". You tell your kids that at the end of the day, some man living in some house that they will never meet and probably never see, can NOT take their hopes and dreams away. And while you're at it, comfort yourselves in that knowledge as well. 

And listen DO NOT FUCKING REPLY to this post with some bullshit about Hillary Clinton. Fuck you that wasn't the point and if you didn't get the point, don't fucking read my blog. 

Until the next election, 

'Murica