Have you ever noticed?

I play this game a lot with my husband, and he hates it. He calls it judgemental. Whatever.. he's a dude, he doesn't get it. He OBVIOUSLY hasn't read my blog post about the differences of being judgemental and making observations... duh. But seriously, don't you ever stop and shake your head (for me it's literally one million times a day) and go what the fuck was that person thinking? I have a whole lotta these so strap in my fellow observationists.

Have you ever noticed that the people that "praise God" for their blessings all the time are usually ( I said usually, don't go getting all up in arms) the ones that complain about everything? It's like those people that order a big mac meal and then a diet coke. Like it evens it out. It doesn't. 

Ever notice that the parents that constantly talk about or post about how great their kids are usually have the biggest asshole kids. EVERYONE'S kid uses technology now a days, who are you lying to? I'm not judging you, parents get by doing what works for them. But come on, nobody's kids are perfect, not even mine. :p

Have you ever noticed that literally every single person that voted for the Cheeto cannot provide a reason or explanation as to why they voted for him without using the words Hillary, Obama or Liberals? If he was the best choice, then you should be able to at least point to something he does well and not what his predecessors or opponents have done wrong. Word. 

Ever notice that certain groups of society that some people (not me) may label as minorities (and I don't necessarily mean your ethnic background) seem to separate themselves from the whole of society by participating in activites that include only "their" group can be part of and exclude the so-called majority (or other minorities for that fact) which is literally the definition of paradoxy, irony and hipocrisy all at the same time? Hmmmm.....

Have you ever noticed that the faster you drive on the freeway, the harder the rain seems to get? I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. It's a natural phenomena. (I really want to put the person who said that to me on blast, but I can't)

Have you ever noticed that people that begin their sentences or thoughts with "To be honest" or "I'm going to tell you the truth" are always lying? It's like they're prepping your mind to believe the bullshit that's about to spew out. Like you won't notice. I notice fuckers, I notice.

Ever notice that one "friend" that everyone has that gives everyone advice usually has the most fucked up life? Living in their Mom's basement, no job and dating someone's husband/wife and trying to tell you to leave your Significant Other or quit your job. Know why? MISERY LOVES COMPANY. 

Alright, enough enlightment for one post. 

An Open Letter to my Children

Besides being a crazy woman, a career woman, a small business owner, an outrageously talented blogger, a sports fan, an awesome friend, an amazing wife, you get the picture, I am a Mom. Yes, the "M" word. I have been a Mom for going on 25 years now. It's funny because it's not like I dreamed of having kids when I was little. Completely the opposite in fact. I told my Grandmother when I was 16 that I was probably never going to get married and was definitely not having kids, and if I did, it would be through artificial insemination via a donor from the sperm bank. She looked me dead in the eye and asked if I was a lesbian. True story.  But here I am now, three kids, a step-kid and on my second marriage. Talk about best laid plans... I am literally laughing out loud as I type that. Anyhow, my kids have all passed the age that I was when I first became a Mom and sometimes the mood strikes me I send them text messages or have "family meetings" (their favorite) to remind them that they are not ready to be parents any time soon. These texts and meetings usually involve them staring at me in horror and me rolling on the floor laughing. What are you going to do?

It's a funny funny world we live in now a days (I sound like my Nona...) and I wonder how they are going to get through it sometimes. How are they going to know what to do and when to do it? Who is going to tell them how to make Easter baskets and pretend to be Santa Claus and even though you may want to punch some kid in the face, letting their kids fight their own battles? And then it hit me, I mean I always knew it deep down, but I am NEVER going to stop being their Mom. FUUCCKKK... I didn't sign up for this long of a haul. What the fuck? It is my job to keep teaching them until the fucking day I day and even probably then I will be giving direction as to what to do next. I joke, I use sarcasm, but if you don't feel that way and you have kids, please reevaluate your life choices and if you don't have kids yet, please continue down that path. I am the most serious I can be when I say that this is a lifelong commitment. Fuck good times and bad, you don't have time to distinguish between the two and it all runs together until you get a moment to take a breath and look back and it's all over. Sounds sad, I know, but fuck what an adventure. So, even though I'm not dying or anything (at least not today) I thought I would impart some lasting wisdom on these little fuckers (who aren't so little anymore) before I set out on my next adventure, so here goes an open letter to my spawn (biological and otherwise)

Dear Spawn,

You may not have always understood why I did the things I did, but I understood, and it was for your own good. Could I have been less dramatic or even lowered my voice, probably, but what fun would that have been and would it have really left that much of an impression on you? If there is anything I can tell you about raising kids and having a family is that you cannot take yourself or anything too seriously. I remember stressing about what outfits you were going to wear on each holiday and taking the perfect picture and putting up the perfect decorations. But you know what I realized?  You were too little to notice and you only remembered how you FELT during those times, and who was there and not much else. Fuck, for Christmas one year someone wanted a Barbie dream house, got it and the proceeded to play with the fucking box for two hours before even looking at the damn thing.
However, I am getting ahead of myself. Before anything else, try and find a job you love doing and if you can't find that, that at least something you can tolerate or something that allows you time to do something you love. A lifetime of misery due to work is no fun. Oh, and make sure it pays enough to keep you in your OWN house. Choose a partner that completes you and doesn't define you. Stand on your own, always have your own money for emergencies and always know that you survived long before they were in your life and you will most definitely survive (if need be) without them in your life. You will however, not survive without your Mother. Because I will hunt you down and take you out. Seriously. You recall my favorite saying during your childhood? "I brought you into this world and I will damn sure take you out". Children are not for everyone, but they are forever. Whatever you choose (or don't choose)  I wish for you that your kids pull the absolute dumb fuckery shenanigans that you pulled as kids. I hope that your kids lose all of their fucking shoes every time you are about to leave the house. I hope that every relative you know gives them 152 pounds of candy for Easter and Halloween and that they receive the noisiest most annoying toys for Christmas gifts. I hope they test your patience during school days and decide that "sweating is not for them" in the middle of a soccer game. I hope they decide that they don't give a shit about school and then beg for your help the day before their projects are due. I hope they tell you that Grandma's house is way more fun than your house. I hope that every friend they pick is an absolute asshole and they invite them over every fucking opportunity they get. I hope that they decide that curfews are an option and you never get a good night's sleep from the day they are born. I hope they decide that they want to go the most expensive far away college they can find, only to return a year later. But truly what I wish for you in life is that if you decide to have children that they bring you the joy and love that you have all brought and continue to bring to my life on a daily basis. And I hope you are one tenth as good of a parent as I am fuckers! As always, your loving Mother. 

I'm a snowflake, so fuck you

Ugh... see what 2017 has done to me already? I fucking missed my Merry Fucking Christmas post, I missed my un-resolution, resolution post and now I have to fucking write about politics. WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, what the fuck? So much has happened since this piece of trash uneducated shit (POTUS-see what I did there?) has taken office, I have been forced, forced I tell you to address it. I am what you call politically an extremist. There are beliefs I have that are far right (very few and far between) and some I have to the extreme left, but I am mostly in the middle. Really, what I'm mostly for is a real democracy, which we don't have. But fuck... there has been some ridiculous shit that has happened.

First, starting off with the fucking ignorant people who berated and belittled all the HUMAN BEINGS who marched all over the world for a common belief, fuck you. For those women who believe that their pussies shouldn't be grabbed randomly, their procreation rights trampled by the government and want equal pay and treatment in the workplace... thank you , I appreciate your stance and your passion. Am I feminist? Probably not, I think mostly because I say the word bitch too much. But seriously, I have been saying for years that women are the most discriminated against group in the world, and I'm pretty much always right, so there. The problem is the divide created by BOTH sides. What's that saying, opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and everyone's stinks. If you don't like the smell of the asshole, move on to the next. No need for name calling or violence. No need to belittle what someone else believes in to further your own cause. (This does not count for racism, religious intolerance or advocating violence, because I said so)

Second, just the sheer lack of experience and lack of honesty. Look, I was born at night, but not last fucking night. (I actually don't know if I was born at night, so Mom or Dad if you're reading this, a little clarification please). Maybe it was a good idea to have a business person run the country. More efficient, less special interests, more innovation. I agree, but not the business man they chose. His business ventures aren't even successful and they're dishonest and shady. He hasn't worked for anything ever and he is perpetuating this environment of ignorance by nominating and appointing people even less qualified than him, if possible. This is a problem. The bullshit-o-meter is off the charts on this regime (not an administration because that implies organization and efficency) and the level of hostility is just unbelievable. The maturity level of this person and his staff to take to SOCIAL media (it's fucking called SOCIAL media because it's not ACTUAL media) to rip off whatever pops into their fucking ignorant minds is just mind blowing. No leader of any country, nation or territory is perfect and you're not going to please all of the people all of the time, but there's got to be some effoft and plan to at least further the welfare of the people you are supposed to be taking care of.

Lastly, it brings me to my final and yet saddest point. Look, bullshit aside, I (me and mine) are going to be fine. We're going to endure this fucking nightmare for as long as it lasts, with most likely minimal impact. And it's because we have careers in industries that are essentially recession proof and none of our immediate family members are gay. (another post for another day on how this regime is the most discriminatory) We're going to be alright. You know who is not going to be alright? All the misinformed, misled people from White middle America who decided that he was the best option. The best option, think about that for a minute. A (might as well be through his statements and actions) self declared misogynist, a person with a track record of blatant racism, a person with ties to countries with whom this country has declared "enemies of the state". THIS was what they felt was their best option. Opinions (or assholes, whichever you like best) of the previous administration aside, or the proposed opponent in the past election aside, this was NOT the best option for those rural farmers in Ohio, those unemployed in Michigan and those disenfranchised from the "Bible Belt". This person does not care about their plight or their future. This is evident in the cabinet selections he has made and the pretend "laws" he has tried to enact. The most unfortunate part is that whoever inherits this mess when it is over, is going to spend their first 4 years cleaning it up before they can tackle the issues that this alternative fact spewer promised he would take care of.

I can't remember a time (probably because I am so young) when the country was so divided, and violently divided with opinions about the leadership of this country. I can't remember a time when our fellow American felt so completely opposed to immigrants entering this country post WWII. I can't remember ever despising a leader of this country more than I despise this man (and I lived through George W. Bush) and the people that are so vehemently dedicated to his cause and bullshit. These are odd times my friends, and I hope with all my heart you find a way a through. There is a post with no attributed author on tips on how to "resist" the new president. You should Google that shit.

Until then, call me a fucking snowflake. That's fucking right, because you know what, there are no two identical snowflakes because just like us they all have assholes, I mean opinions. Fight the good fight my friends.

What I am thankful for.....

I bet you thought this was going to be a heartfelt post about all the things I love in my life, my family, blah blah blah. Well you obviously haven't been paying attention. It cracks me up that with my legion of blog followers (a total of zero because you assholes don't share my wisdom with friends and family) the favorite is always the Merry Fucking Christmas post. You know why? Because that shit is REAL. Not sugar coated, Martha Stewart fake shit, REAL shit about the holidays. So I thought I'd take that premise and apply it to my second favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. (My first favorite is Christmas and Halloween is not a fucking holiday). I tend to write in list format and the reason really is because it's easier for stupid people to read and relate to. It's like I'm telling them what's important and the order it goes in. Don't believe me, did you see the results of the last election? I rest my case. So in no particular order (wink wink) here is what I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful that the NFL moved the PAT (point after try) back to the 25 yard line. Why, you ask? Well if you're a football fan, you've noticed a fuck of a lot more kicks getting blocked or flat out missed, which fucking makes me laugh. For all of you that are not NFL fans, but may be NBA fans, missing a PAT is like missing a fucking free throw. If you can't make that shit, why even bother being a professional athlete. So, I like to see people that call themselves professional athletes (oxymoron) fail. It's kind of my thing. 

I am thankful that stupid people still exist and place their talents on display publicly and often. I mean fuck 2016 and was really the year of the moron not the monkey, let's be honest. I could list the examples, but that would be the whole blog. Just suffice to say that something called "the mannequin challenge" exists. Enough said. 

I am thankful that Joe Biden is seriously the funnies mother f"er to be in office. That dude slays me. On top of all of the memes that are out about him and Obama, the actual real shit he does is f'n hilarious. Google that shit. 

I am thankful that I can say "google that shit" and people can actually find stuff out without me having to explain it. Makes my life so much easier. 

I am thankful that Tim Tebow has resurrected his career and is becoming a baseball player. I also believe fully in the fact that he is the next coming of Jesus Christ. What? You don't believe? Have you ever seen them in the same room together? Did he not miraculously (and famously) save a baseball fan from dying just by laying his hands on them? Makes you think, right? 

I am thankful that Fox decided to hire Pete Rose and Alex Rodriguez as commentators during the world series. That shit was fucking hilarious. Alex is extremely intelligent (I'll admit I was surprised) and makes these astute observations and then the next minute is going over to fix Pete Rose's tie as he slumps into the camera shot.Classic! 

And finally I am thankful for people who lost their mind over the election. I mean seriously. I am not oblivious to the facts of the campaign and the people involved, but fuck, relax. I mean don't sit around and not do anything about what you believe in, but fuck typing a 1052 word rant on FB is not going to change the results. I will sit back and laugh at what a cry baby you are if you do that. You want real change, get off your ass and out from behind your keyboard and go get it. Analyzing the stupidity of the average american (see item #2 above) can take months or years and by that time it's already time to elect another person. It's not preschool, you can't sit around and cry until they give in and not everybody gets a fucking trophy. Put on your big people panties and get on with your life. 

Then seriously, I am extremely grateful to be surrounded by a wonderful family with my loving husband, great kids, and all of our extended brood. We are fortunate to have great friends who are like second family to us as well. And with all of my sincerest wishes, I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving from me and mine! 

Dear America,

Dear America, 

We're broken. We're not beyond hope, yet, but we're broken. In the wake of what can only be described as one of the most horrifying events of the last decade, America elected an old white man. But wait, you say, we've elected old white men before. What's the difference? The difference is it's 2016 mother fuckers. MLK hoped that by now we'd be judging people by the "content of their character and not by the color of their skin". And to say this candidate lacked character would be the understatement of the century.  I have nothing against old men, white men, or men in general. I have a LOT against this old white man. A blatant racist, misogynist, and all around douche bag. He has absolutely ZERO business acumen, absolutely ZERO political experience and yet America thought he'd make a good commander in chief. Well, actually not most of America, and not even the majority of American only the uneducated America.  America, the trail blazer for democracy, is still using a 150 plus year old system to elect their leader. Let that sink in. America said that they were so tired of the "status quo" (who happens to be a black man) that they needed to go back to feeling comfortable again. They needed to go back to feeling like they were going to be in charge of their lives. I say "they" but they are we, they are us. We are a country divided like no other time in history. This division goes beyond race, gender and economic equality. This division comes down to human decency. The ability to treat our fellow human American with decency.  To have to think about calling this ass clown the President sickens me to no end. 

But remember what I said in the beginning? We're not beyond hope. Not yet. I hear a lot of people on Facebook asking what are they going to tell their kids. Here's what you tell your kids. You tell them that in real life there are setbacks. In real life people are NOT always nice people or good people but that they have to keep doing what they think is right. You tell them that the fact that this person with ZERO experience was elected to be the President of the United States  makes  it even more possible for ANYONE (including your child) to be the next President, to be a better President. You tell your kids that they should never settle for the "status quo" because that's why this person was placed in office. We are using a system to "democratically elect" a President that is over 150 years old and needs to be changed. You tell your kids that there is hope because a woman (who has only had the right to vote for less than 100 years) actually received MORE votes than the person that "won". You tell your kids that at the end of the day, some man living in some house that they will never meet and probably never see, can NOT take their hopes and dreams away. And while you're at it, comfort yourselves in that knowledge as well. 

And listen DO NOT FUCKING REPLY to this post with some bullshit about Hillary Clinton. Fuck you that wasn't the point and if you didn't get the point, don't fucking read my blog. 

Until the next election, 

'Murica

You're doing it wrong

It's been a minute since I've touched on such a controversial topic such as this, but with Summer coming to an end, I just felt the need to mix it up! People are extremely heated about the presidential race and the national anthem and all kinds of shit, and I just wanted to get in on that passion. You know, really discuss a subject that most people don't have the balls to discuss. 

Now, before you go getting all offended assuming I'm talking about you (which I probably am) just fucking listen up. If your child can walk more than 10 feet, they are too big for a stroller. Disabilities and impediments aside, if your child can walk more than 10 feet, they are too big for a stroller. I know what you're going to say, I do. No, they NEED a stroller, they NEED to rest and sit down and be controlled. and this is what I am going to say... we are raising the next generation of lazy ass kids. The kids do not NEED a stroller, YOU need the stroller. You need the stroller because you're half assing that parenting shit. Yeah, I said it. Look, I have had three small kids, and they are all 2 years or less apart. I know the feeling of NEEDING a stroller, but you know what, I didn't use one if they could walk 10 feet or more, that's the rule. Not at Disneyland, not at the mall, not ANYWHERE. You know why? Because I didn't want to raise lazy ass kids. I mean they are still lazy (that's a totally different blog) but for completely different reasons. If someone told you when you found out you were having a child that parenting was easy, they FUCKING LIED TO YOU. Parenting is not easy, never has been, never will be. I know, I already know you are going to say, but what about this situation or what about that situation, and the answer is "Can your child walk 10 feet or more by themselves?" No fucking stroller needed. 

For those of you that know this blog well, you know that the stroller is just a symptom to prove the real point. We are raising lazy ass kids. We have set the bar so low for these kids, they are practically doing the limbo instead of high jumping over it. I am not judging, nor am I saying that my way is the right way (although it is). I am merely pointing out that raising this generation to be co-dependent (on parents, on electronics, on society) is going to be their downfall, and in turn ours. Is it easier to hand them a phone or tablet during dinner or the car ride to keep them quiet? Fuck yeah it is, but what about good old fashioned conversation? Putting aside the social aspects of this issue, think about the health of our future generation. Fine motor coordination, muscle growth and development, etc. Did you know the the average height of the American child is actually DECLINING compared to the rest of the world. Pretty soon, no more gold medals in basketball because our kids are going to be the size of fucking Frodo. We are raising short, fat, lazy kids and it must end. I feel like that guy going around cutting selfie sticks, only I want to remove the tires off of strollers with kids that have no business being in a stroller. I know, my extremist views and harsh methods offend you. It's okay. It is, I am willing to take the brunt of your anger. Be angry all you want at me, but for fuck's sake, take your kid out of that damn stroller!  

Enough.....Seriously, enough.

I sadly step away from my normal smart ass self to type this blog through tears. Yet again, I have had to wake up and read countless stories about 49 of our fellow human beings exterminated from existence by another senseless act of violence. Look, I am neither pro nor anti gun, I am neither pro nor anti Islam, what I am is pro human life and anti murder. Put aside your passionate beliefs and take a look at the facts of this tragic event. A person had a weapon, walked into a public space and took away 49 brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. They are gone. No matter if you think Obama is horrible or taking your guns, these people are not coming back. No matter if you side with Trump and think all Muslims should be deported, these people are not coming back. Let me say this one more time so that it can sink in past your rhetoric, your prejudice, and your hatred THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT COMING BACK. I don't know the solution, I really don't. What I do know is that we can't keep going like this. We have to be willing to look outside to other societies, other cultures to help us to fix this problem. Because again, whatever your beliefs this is a problem. I have children who are old enough to visit nightclubs, casinos, and all other "adult" spaces and I worry for them every time they step outside the house. We live in the United fucking States of America and I worry as if we lived in Libya. And you know what makes it worse? At least in Libya they KNOW who the bad guys are, we have no fucking clue, none. And if you're relieved because your children aren't old enough to visit "adult" spaces, guess what, school violence is in second place and not by a large margin. A wise man once said to me that we're all liberal until we have something to lose. Well, fucking wake up because it doesn't get much bigger than losing your fucking life. Yes, it's heartwarming to see the outpouring of support for the victims families, but that only lasts until the next massacre. Until the next time you change your fucking profile pic, or the next time you share a story about how people supported each other. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? You'll probably notice that I've glaringly left out the supposed motives for this particular attack. Does it fucking matter? Does it matter that we live in a country that prides itself on freedom for all of its citizens, but really what that means is as long as you fit into the right category. Because if you're different, well then, maybe you're free and maybe you're not. Maybe you are afforded the same protections and maybe you're not. Again, no matter the intended target group or the motive, these are 49 human beings that will never love, laugh, or live again. Families that have to try and understand how this happened and families that will never be the same again.  I haven't heard any "good" ideas coming from any of these so-called presidential candidates either. They have no fucking clue. Like I said earlier, I don't know what to do, but it has to be something. There has to be a better way. There has to be a solution. In the meantime, please show your human side and support any friends and/or family that are having to deal with this tragedy as best you can. If you aren't directly impacted below are some links where you can offer help as well. I leave my fellow humans with this thought...if not now, when? If not us, who? Enough.....

http://www.pulseorlandoclub.com/- For employees of the club that survived
http://www.oneorlando.org/- created by the city to help the latino and lgbt communities
https://victimsofcrime.org/-for victims of crime