I need to go to the bathroom

No, seriously. I need to go to bathroom. It's a common problem we all have. I mean who wants to take time out of their day to sit on a porcelain chair or stand in front of a porcelain vending machine with a handle? I don't. I mean it's nice they put up those privacy walls and all, but I mean really, I have a lot better shit (ha!ha!-pun intended) I'd rather be doing. So here's the thing, after my 152nd Grande Latte from Starbucks, sometimes I have to take a leak. And yes, women can take leaks too. But fuck, it seems that even performing biological functions have become a god damn controversy and political debate. Look, I don't give a FUCK who is in the bathroom with me. You know why? Because never, not ever, in all of my years of going to the fucking bathroom has anyone tried to molest me in the bathroom or shown me their junk in the bathroom. Does this happen? Probably, but not to me and probably not to you. You know what will make bathrooms safer? Don't fucking have any. Just having a fucking room with a changing table for babies, because well, they have no control over that shit, literally. Everyone else, fuck you and do what your parents taught you when you were little "go before we leave". I mean seriously? Think about how ridiculous this is. You're worried about who is going to the bathroom with you. The place you piss and shit and then leave. Do you really think that if someone wanted to molest or rape you they would let a little thing like the gender sign on a bathroom door stop them? Is there a fucking police officer in the bathroom with you? (I mean in prison, sure, but not normally) Are you really that ignorant to believe that transgenders or homosexuals are waiting for the opportunity to expose themselves or molest you or your children while in the fucking bathroom at Target? They leave that shit to fucking closeted sick fucks like the Senator from Minnesota (not gay or transgender by the way) and Jared from Subway.  Look, you mother fuckers are taking this shit waaayyy too seriously. You get on your fucking religious stump about how you don't want your children exposed to this or that or God said this or that. Let me fucking explain this to you really slowly so you understand. The LGBT community is just like every other community on this planet, they don't want to bother you, and they don't want you to bother them, period.  I actually heard something that made complete sense to me and of all places on a TV show I was watching, the horrible sinning homosexual said "Why do people not ask me about my beliefs? I am a Christian too. I believe in God and God's laws." Great fucking question. You may not believe this, but I'm actually not an activist for LGBT or for anything specific for that matter. You know what I am an activist for? You minding your own fucking business about what every fucking body else is doing that your God, your Bible and your fucking ignorance doesn't like or doesn't agree with. If you keep this segregating bullshit up, pretty soon you're going to be on the outside of that fucking little inner circle you love so much. It's going to be you and your kids that can't use the fucking bathroom anymore. So keep not going to Target, more shit for me and fewer lines in the bathroom. Keep up your bullshit and one day you'll be wishing that I would write a blog post for you and your "kind" to bring awareness to your plight. And you know, even though you're an ignorant asshole, I will probably do it because that's the kind of person I am. So please excuse me while I go to the bathroom.... that Starbucks just runs right through me. 

Fuck my Fitbit... Judgmental bitch.

I have a love/hate relationship with my health and my body overall. I love to fill my body full of shit that I love to eat and hate that my body gets fat when I do that. Like I said, love/hate. So, I recently had a big life event and I needed to get in shape, quickly... Because of course my other love/hate relationship (to tell the truth, love/hate pretty much defines ALL of my relationships, I am a fickle bitch) is with time. So of course procrastination is my middle name. Anyway, making this long post longer, let me just say that I decided to pick me up a little helper, you know an encourager, a motivator to get my two tons of fun back into shape. It was like a match made in heaven at first. Fitbit told me how many miles my fat ass would have to walk to lose the weight I wanted to and at first she was cool. Sending me smiley faces and badges and telling me how awesome I was at sleeping! She buzzed on my wrist whenever I hit my "goal" of 10,000 steps. Like a pretend little vibrator just for my wrist. It was like she was the long lost sister I never wanted. But then shit turned, she turned. As time went on, shit started getting real with this piece of technology. And of course, whenever something is judgmental, it must be female. If you don't agree, fuck you, you're probably a chick and you just proved my point. She would send me emails now with fucking sad faces telling me how "inactive" I had been during the week and what my "worst" day was. WTF bitch, you don't KNOW me like that. How do you know what my worst day is? Were you there? I mean you're on my wrist, but you weren't there. Then she tried to publicly shame me by telling me how many steps my friends were taking and what badges they were getting. It was like I wasn't good enough for her anymore. Now I wasn't getting enough hours of sleep or I wasn't active enough during her hand picked 9 hours of the day. Bitch, maybe I was taking pole dancing classes at night for exercise and couldn't get "active" during your favorite 9 hours of the day. That's not what happened, but it COULD have. (Funny story actually). So now I am starting to see the trend here with this chick. Praise at first to get me sucked in and wanting to please her and then just push me down for her amusement. I know the game. I know what you're thinking, Jennifer, it's not a real thing. It's an overrated watch that counts your fucking steps. And you'd be right, except for you're not. Shit was getting real and I needed to show Fitbit who was in charge. I didn't need her approval. I didn't need her badges anymore. "Badges, we don't need no stinking badges".... So, I showed her. I proceeded to gain back the 18 lbs I lost. And surely didn't need her help to do that! I showed her who was in charge. I was so inactive it was disgusting. I slept less than 5 hours a night because I was being so inactive. Yep, that was me putting Fitbit in her place. Eating what I wanted and not logging it into her stupid app. She still buzzed on my wrist, but only when someone was calling me. And I swear the other day I thought I saw "Fat Loser" go across the caller ID screen, but that couldn't be....Fitbit still loved me, didn't she? Didn't she want me to be healthy anymore? Didn't she want to help me give my friends the middle finger by walking more steps then they did, even if it was me walking laps around my kitchen? So now what? Well I am back to my fat weight and now I need my Fitbit. Help me Fitbit, help me. 
Fuck you though, don't judge me. 

Once and again....

Not a super sentimental type of human here, but there are some things that do bring it out in me. Anything to do with my kids can cause a warm and fuzzy moment and of course the love of my life. Sigh, it is true what they say, it is definitely different the second time around. The are so many reasons why. You're older, wiser, I think the second time you feel like it's an actual choice instead of anything else. I know for all of you one-timers, you just don't get it. How can you possibly ever consider loving anyone but the one you're with? Well, the answer isn't a simple or easy one, but suffice to say, things happen for a reason. I had always told people that after my divorce I would probably never get married again, and I believed it. I figured, tried it once, didn't go my way, move on. Kind of like what I imagine going to a Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift concert is like. You tried it because you heard all the hype and hoped for the best but in the end it cost too much, took too long and you really could have just passed altogether. But then, cliche, cliche, cliche and Mr Right and soulmate and blah blah blah. I took the plunge. I remarried (queue the horror movie scream). I actually despise that word "remarried". It implies that you did something again for the sake of doing it again. Retry, restart, reboot, etc. What I should have said was that I got married, again. Although really, I don't think my relationships need a qualifier. Like when I get pissed off at my friends and don't talk to them, I don't "refriend" them. I just say we're friends again. Anyhow, you get the point. I also didn't think that when I decided to get married it would be a big affair, but it was. Well, at least to us it was. Did we get to invite everyone we wanted to? Nope. Did we spend the "budgeted" amount (as my husband rolls on the floor in fake appendicitis like pain)? Nope. Did I absolutely love the wedding planning aspect? FUCK no! But would we do it all over again? Absolutely to the tenth power. I could write a whole other post on the drama that is a wedding, but that's not what this post is about. It's about doing something you thought wasn't for you, again. Having the fairy tale ending. I am happy to say that I did and I do! Most of the people that read my blog are friends and they do it because when I see the counter on my blog go up I feel important. For those of you that weren't there at the wedding to share the moment with us for whatever the reason (you RSVP'd but didn't show up, you weren't invited, or fuck, I just don't fucking know you) I am pasting my part of the vows at the end of this post. While vows are somewhat personal, I just wanted to share what this moment meant to me, regardless of whether it was my first time or 152nd time, this is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with and this time I am 99% sure (LOL). Nobody does I do better than we do!


I decided to approach writing my vows like I would write one of my blogs. That is to say, with passion and humor. I mean, if we both didn't have a sense of humor, we wouldn't be standing up here now would we? I can't describe in words our journey. It's a simple story really, boy meets girl, girl overlooks the fact that boy is a Lakers fan.  It sounds corny and cliche, but an absolute truth. I don't know that I can say it was love at first sight, but I can say that when I realized what it was, the word Love didn't seem to do it justice. All of the ideas I had of love seemed to pale in comparison to what I was feeling and feel now.  Someone asked me how I knew it was the "real thing". And the only answer I could come up with was that I finally stopped looking. You know that feeling of constant searching for the next best thing, the next "one". It stopped when I met you. I couldn't remember the times before you or imagine a future without you in it. You make me feel like the sun rises above my head and the stars shine just for me. The best part is knowing that you will be the last thing I see before I go to bed and the first thing I see when I wake up. In traditional vows it references being together for better or worse and through good times and bad. To come through what we have and still have the energy and desire to be where we are is a testament to our feelings and commitment to each other. So more than anything what I'd like to say to you is that I, Jennifer Michele, take you Julio Alexander in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in championship and non-championship years until the very last day I take my very last breath on this planet, in this wonderful lifetime that I have been so very very fortunate to have found you in and shared my life with. You are my moon and my stars, the Jack to my Sally, and I  love you.

Where the f*** are your manners?

Ugh...every time I go to write a post like this, it reminds me of how much I sound like my Nona (grandma for you "American" people). Where are your manners? Unlike me, my Nona wasn't a big F bomb dropper, so yeah there's that.  I never thought I would long for the days of that stick-up-her-ass Emily Post and her fucking etiquette (pretty ironic right?) So, my theory is that because everyone has become such a passive aggressive douche nozzle since the advent of social media, we are going to have to lay some of the blame there. Now you know I am not ever in favor of pawning off your responsibility on others, but I am making an exception here. Mostly because the majority of people are fucking ignorant and therefore, they don't even know that they have no manners. The biggest transgression I find is what people believe is okay to say or ask to another live human being. People are too accustomed to being behind the keyboard, venting their frustrations with no consequences or push back and then walking away. NOT real life asshole. In real life if you ask a stupid fucking question or make a stupid fucking remark, you either get told the fuck off or knocked the fuck out. There are some in-betweens, but you know me, I am an extremist at heart. (Insert smiley face here). Unfortunately it doesn't just stop there. People are raising asshole kids with no manners as well. I have a term for little kids who ask without saying please or thank you, regardless of sex, you're Demanda. And in my house, Demanda gets a big fat FUCK YOU!!

I come across this not only in my personal life, but in my professional life as well. (Yes, I have a professional life, and no it's not professional asshole). I don't want to go into the gender inequality of these comments because that would be a whole other post, but seriously, people asked some fucked up shit and make some fucked up comment and then brush it off like nothing. Whatever happened to that saying that your Nona used to tell you "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.". People need to run that shit through their head before they open their fucking mouths. Verbal inappropriateness is just the tip of the iceberg. Now written bad manners (or cyberspace bad manners) are even worse. When there are no eyes to look into or consequence of physical harm, people get pretty fucking ballsy. It has even become a thing when you take it too far "trolling". Seriously?

Now the most important part. It is never okay to demand anything from anyone. I don't care if they are a stranger or related to you. You always HAVE to (notice I didn't say should) say Please and Thank you at the very least. Be the better person and show respect for yourself and for your upbringing. I don't care if the waitress just served you a steaming pile of shit, you say thank you.
And if you want something, even if you're paying for it, you always ask with please. If the world functioned this way, we'd be in a lot better shape. I mean there have been plenty of times where I've asked can you please shut the fuck up? And then am too happy to say You're fucking welcome when someone has taken the time to say thank you. See how nice that is?

And your kids, for pete's sake your kids. Don't raise little douche bags. You know what happens to kid douche bags? Well, I either pimp slap them and we all end up on a TV show OR (and this one is most likely) they grow up to be adult douche bags. Don't have your kid at my house disrespecting me or my shit. Don't make me tell your kid to get their shit together. That's what you gave birth to the little snot dripper for. When my kids were little, they knew the consequences of acting like little douche bags. So they waited for me to leave, and then they did it. Problem solved.

And lastly, social situations require tact and manners for ALL. If someone invites you to a social function, the polite thing is to respond. And a text or email to a mailed invitation is NOT a fucking response you lazy millenial acting piece of shit.  If you don't want to go, don't, but at least tell them you're not coming. Along with financial considerations, there is a lot of thought that goes into a social function believe it or not, from the backyard BBQ to the gala wedding. And for the love of the universe, SHOW UP ON TIME. There is nothing worse than someone entering during the middle of a rite of passage, religious function or gasp...wedding vows. Don't get me wrong, in my reckless youth, I was guilty of such transgressions, but as I got older and wiser (I mean not that much older) I learned quickly. And also, electronic devices have no fucking place at a social function unless the hosts have okayed it. There is nothing worse than a ringing cell phone, some asshole acting like Ansel Adams with their fucking ipad or any such nonsense. And, if you are going to use the devic

e as a babysitter for your kid, silence that shit. I get it, kids are assholes during social events, but manage that shit, start teaching them manners NOW.

Thank you for listening. (see not that hard).

Merry Fucking Christmas 2015......The Year in Review

Sigh...another year. I always start out meaning to get more blog posts in and then well, life happens. You know that shit in between waking up and going to bed? Well, not necessarily shit, but you know what I mean. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But seriously, every year has ups and downs doesn't it? I guess the trick is to make the best of the good times and wade your way through the shit times and hope that you learned a lesson and not repeat them. I mean some of the shit you have no control over and other shit is pretty much your own fucking stupidity. I am always thankful for having great family and friends and try to tell them when I can. I always say that if you didn't laugh a little and cry a little you didn't live a little. There were many laughs, I am lucky enough to have a partner in life that makes me laugh until I pee my pants. Plus, my kids are pretty fucking hilarious whether they mean to be or not. There were tears as well some for joy but mostly for sadness. There was loss and struggle, but in the end we all came through okay.  And our friends, well let's say it's never a dull moment. I am not one of those flowery, let's all join hands and blah blah blah kind of people. I will say that I continue to strive for the non-commercialization of Christmas (see past blog posts entitled Merry Fucking Christmas 2014), but none of you fuckers ever listen to me. You only listen to social media and try and best each other by taking the "perfect" E-Christmas Card to post to your FB page, or the perfect selfie. The fact that that fucking word is in the dictionary, confirms my belief that people are stupid fucking assholes. Last year I listed what I wanted for Christmas, and as I reviewed the list, I realized I didn't get a single fucking thing I asked for. Some of it actually GOT WORSE...WTF?

That was my Merry Fucking Christmas rant. Now comes the year in review. And whoa Nellie what a fucking year it was. I mean for me personally, I feel like this year couldn't be done fast enough. It wasn't that it was necessarily a "bad" year per se, it was just a blah year. Not much happened to advance our lives in any significant way and I feel like we learned less. But that's what next year's are for, right?

But for the collective "us" (human beings) it was a fuck of a year.
Some crazy bitch in a backwards hillbilly town decided not to issue marriage certificates to gay people, because her religion doesn't condone it. Why do people have such a hard time remembering the separation of church and state? Is the concept that difficult? Not to mention, if your religion is teaching you to hate or not tolerate a certain group of people, you're fucking doing it wrong.

We have the absolute WORST crop of presidential candidates in the history of presidential candidates. A loud mouth fucking crazy person, a lying, cheating scandalous woman (I was being politically correct right there) and a guy so fucking liberal that I feel like if he could sign over my paycheck to welfare recipients it would happen. I would say get out there and vote, but fuck, it's going to be a tough one. Unless of course, you want to write in my name! :)

I won't even comment beyond this on the entertainment industry (I use the word entertainment very loosely here) some fucktards gave a fucking man who is still a fucking man, the woman of the year award. This man's family perpetrates whoring, lies and taking advantage of children for profit. While this sounds like the plot of a movie about a small country in Africa's dictator, it's real fucking life.
Disgusting.


I would love to tell you the next year is going to be better, but I can't. What I can tell you is that YOU can be better next year. Sounds corny and cliché, but if we all thought that way, what a place the world would be. To all of my friends and family I wish you a love filled holiday season and the most prosperous of New Year's. To everyone else, the same, but a little less love. (wink wink), I mean I don't know you that well.

Life (and Facebook) needs a Dislike button

If you're like me (we all have to have dreams) you come across a lot of stupid shit during the course of the day. A lot of stuff where you're like WTF was that? BUT....because we just had a visit from the Pope, everyone is all on their best behavior, no cursing, no judging, blah blah blah. Whatever, he seems like a chill papal dude, so I'm not going to worry about it. (I know this part about the Pope seemed really random, but I felt like if I didn't mention it, my Nona would come back from the grave and haunt me)
Anyhow, my point, yes I have one. I think that Facebook most certainly needs a Dislike button and even though they are too "politically correct" to give us what we fucking want, I think life needs a Dislike button. I mean, think about this. If you could carry around a method to express your displeasure with things, without really verbalizing it or seeming too "judgy" wouldn't that just make your fucking day? Come on, you know it would. It would be like a present day Gong Show, (and fuck you if you don't know what the Gong Show is/was) except with a Dislike button. I would be fine if the button didn't even make any noise, if it just kind of hovered over your head like those cartoon dialogue bubbles do. Like I said, no verbalizing your Dislike of the subject matter, but people will know where you stand.
There really is no down side to this, because even if you are for some stupid reason confronted by some fucking moron on your Dislike, you can just feign ignorance. "What is that you say? My Dislike button is on? You don't say? My Bad". See, it solves ALL of the world's problems. Really, all of them. You know exactly where everyone stands on things, you get to express yourself on EVERY subject possible should you so choose, AND, you can really be like your own little portable social network. I have put a lot of thought into this, and by a lot, I mean the car ride back from the supermarket by my house, and this could really be helpful in business situations as well. How many times have you been in a conference room and wondered what everyone is thinking during your presentation? With the Dislike button, you know and can just cut it short and make it a half work day. Time saver!
And imagine the entertainment industry with the Dislike button. If you thought TSwift's Twitter wars were epic, can you even imagine the feuds this puppy would cause? Tots McGots!!! 

I know you are probably wondering how it is I continue to come up with these socially aware, life changing and mostly EPIC concepts, and my only answer is, it's a gift. So instead of pasting that stupid shit disclaimer that doesn't mean SHIT....paste this instead. I feel like after he finishes with the Hypeloop, Elon Musk is going to have some free time. He can come up with something to make this work.
And Mark Zuckerberg this is what I think of your new stupid buttons: DISLIKE

Tim Tebow shouldn't be in the NFL

I know what you're thinking, yes I do. Let me very loudly and proudly proclaim that I HEART Tim Tebow. I am not a Tim Tebow hater, never have been, never will be. I was fan number 1 from the first moment that Urban Meyer put him in as a back up to Chris Leak (bet you don't even know who that is). I was in love as soon as I heard he was home schooled by his ultra religious parents. I was in love because he was different. He wasn't raised with that kill or be killed mentality. He was genuinely a good kid.

For those of you who aren't sports enthusiasts or big football fans, let me just say that Tim Tebow's college career was the equivalent of winning the Lottery and then managing to keep ALL of the money you won and make even more. A Heisman trophy, 2 national championships and he managed to stay scandal free during the whole time. Not arrested for theft, or rape, heck he even went to class and graduated with his degree, in four years. Pretty impressive for a super star in college. While I will not argue his athletic prowess with people, because I feel that they can't remain objective, and honestly, neither can I. I will say that his passing mechanics could use some work, but for crying out loud the kid was benching like 300 lbs in college, you can't tell me it's his arm strength. I could go on and on about how just based on size, strength, weight and intelligence he is really a perfect athlete. But, his athletic abilities (or lack thereof) have nothing to do with why he shouldn't be in the NFL.

Tim Tebow doesn't belong in the NFL for some very fundamental reasons. The first and foremost being he is a good person. I know, you're going to say that there are other good people in the NFL, but none of them are super stars. Trust me. Tim Tebow puts his religious values in your face by "Tebowing" in the end zone. They made a "Tebow rule" stating that you couldn't write anything on your face paint anymore. In a day and age where the public LOVES to place their heroes on a pedestal only to watch them fall far and fast, Tim Tebow isn't going to fall. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that he is the perfect person, because he's not. But he continually displays professionalism, ethics and an all around good attitude no matter what cards he is dealt. In a time where the NFL is the one of the largest professional organizations with the most felons per capita Tim Tebow is still tithing a portion of his salary to his church. The recent allegations against people like Ray Rice are only coming to light in the day and age when anyone with a cell phone can capture video evidence of wrong doings. This has been going on for years, and only now is the public focused on it.

Look, don't take away that I'm saying that everyone in the NFL is a drug user, a cheater, a rapist, a murderer or a domestic violence offender. I am saying that Tim Tebow is too good for the NFL. The NFL would be a stain on his reputation. When you ask people why they "hate" Tim Tebow, they come up with the most asinine responses in the world. From, I don't like the way he looks, to he just sucks. Real original. The NFL isn't ready for a player/person like Tim Tebow. I am not saying that he was let go because of that, but think about this, if he really has mechanics issues or he just needs some "tweaking" of his throwing motion, why aren't more teams willing to invest in him and get those things fixed? Why? Because he can only draw so many people into the stadium with his "can do" attitude. After that, it's about the deflate gates, the domestic violence issues, the "come back player" of the year (which is sometimes coming back from drug abuse...ridiculous) the waiting to see if that guy can be just as good as he was before and if not, have my bat ready to knock him down a few notches. Whether you want to believe it or not, Americans LOVE to see people fail. It makes them feel better about themselves, sad but true story.

So, while I am disappointed as a fan that I probably won't get to see Tim Tebow take another NFL snap, I am hopeful that he will rise to his full potential in whatever field he chooses next. Whether that be commentating, a business venture, coaching, or whatever. So you can keep on watching those cheaters in the Northeast, those "bad boys" out West, I will continue to root for Tim Tebow in whatever he does, wherever he chooses to do it. I HEART Tim Tebow!!!