Things I've learned.....

In my very short time on this planet (wink, wink), I've attained my fair share of knowledge. Not necessarily Neil Degrasse Tyson knowledge, but you know the shit that gets you through the day, with a smile. Some of it skewed to my POV, some it wise and some of it just plain fucking true. So you all know how much I love bullet points and lists, so here's what I've learned.

I've learned that no matter how many fucking times you lecture your kids, they are going to do whatever the fuck they want. You know why? Because they're related to YOU! 

I'ver learned that what people think about you is none of your fucking business. Seriously, there is more important shit in the world, keep it moving. 

I've learned that most people only remember the bad and have a difficult time recalling or even creating the good. 

I've learned that you cannot do the same shit at 20, that you can at 30 or that you can at 40. Notice how that progressed into a positive with no regrets there..take a lesson

I've learned that no matter what your faith, it blinds you to the truth. 

I've learned that there are always going to be skinny bitches and you are probably not one of them.  

I've learned that you should ALWAYS buy the shoes, ride the ride, say what's on your mind and never sweat the small stuff. Life is too short. 

I've learned that little kids are actually pretty fucking smart and make more sense that most adults I know. 

I've learned that discrimination runs about as rampant as any terminal disease and lasts about as long.

Ive learned that freedom isn't free. Thank you to all my military people. :)

 I've learned that ugliness has nothing to do with your physical appearance. Beauty fades and ugliness on the inside lasts a lifetime.

I've learned that everyone is born free, good and loving. It's walking around this planet that fucks your shit up. 

I've learned that I should have paid more attention to the stories my grandparents told. That was some valuable free advice and a roadmap from where I came. 

I've learned that just because you are a woman with a child does not make you a mother and just because you gave birth doesn't make you a mom.

I've learned that I have less patience for bullshit as I get older. LOL..imagine me with even less patience. 

I've learned that the people I thought would be in my life forever, didn't even make it to the halfway point.... their loss. 

I've learned (the absolute hard way) that just because you have a mouth, doesn't mean you always should feel the need to use it. 

I've learned that no matter how much you may be irritated by your family, you will miss them when they are gone. Family is the truest form of forced socialization, gotta love it. 

I've learned that whether or not you believe it, Karma believes in you. And the rumors are true! 

I've learned that no matter how hard you try, your shit is never going to look as good as it does on Pinterest. True story. 

I've learned that the "perfect" size is whatever mother fucking size I am wearing that day! 

I've learned that when there isn't any love left, most of the time, there wasn't ever any love.

I've learned that I may not be perfect, but I'm pretty fucking close.  ;) 

And last but not least, but absolute all time favorite thing in the world.....
I've learned that people may not remember what you said, or what you did but they will ALWAYS remember how you made them feel. 

You can't cure stupid... A true story.

There are treatments for a LOT of diseases out there, there are less cures (because the money is not in the cure.. don't get me started), but there are medications($$) you can take, things you can do to alleviate pain and discomfort from some of the most common diseases, but Stupid, not so much. Stupid may or may not be genetically passed along. I mean I have known entire families to be pretty fucking stupid, but not always. Stupid can be caused by a traumatic blow to the brain, however generally Stupid is just a way of life for the more than 75% of the world that suffer with it. Stupid doesn't discriminate either, black, white, hispanic, male, female, young, old it is an equal opportunity affliction. Generally the afflicted don't have a clue they are afflicted, which makes it a difficult affliction to deal with, but by definition alone, I guess it's not surprising that they are unaware. Here is the dictionary definition of Stupid: lacking intelligence or common sense. 

Hmmm.. where to go from there. Stupidity is one of my pet peeves. For those that know me well, they know that stupidity is one of the top three things that will definitely get you punched in the face. Some of you are wondering, what about the people that can't help being stupid. Let me define Stupid for you, MY way. Stupid people are people who just don't give a fuck about what comes out of their mouths, what actions they take and have an overall absence of intelligence in making life choices. 

By most accounts, 90% of people who actually have the balls to call themselves a "celebrity" are stupid. Sure they make money (but that's YOUR fault) but money is not a cure for stupidity. If you apply my definition of stupid to celebrities, you see that they ALL generally meet the requirements. Saying shit without regard for whether it's actually true or makes any fucking sense all the damn time, doing shit that is just senseless all the time and making choices that are just fucked up without any thought process at all (just think Miley Cyrus licking shit all the fucking time). 

Generally children suffer from this affliction, but admittedly their stupidity can be cute at times and they eventually grow out of it. But just think of some of the shit that has come out of kids mouths. But at least they have the excuse of no life experience. I mean eventually these little bastards gain some life experience and common sense and can overcome. But not all the time. Sometimes they can't overcome the affliction and they become, you guessed it, stupid fucking adults. 

Adults that suffer from stupidity are easily identifiable. They generally make no fucking sense when speaking about any topic and have to raise their voice to cover up their stupidity. They suffer from the overwhelming side effects of stupidity which can include, but are not limited to, random bouts of silence when asked any kind of question, speaking incoherently, citing other stupid people as a form of logic, answering a question WITH ANOTHER FUCKING QUESTION, and just basically talking out of their asses. Stupid people also tend toward the dramatic, again to draw attention away from their affliction. They have extreme opinions on topics such as religion, politics and the weather. However these opinions are based on zero facts and if they do happen to cite a fact, again it's generally from another stupid person. The worst part about stupid people however, has to be their decision making abilities, or rather lack thereof. It's scares the shit out of me to think that these people vote, procreate, and drive. Stupid people driving is of epidemic proportions out here in LA (that's Los Angeles, not Louisiana...that kind of stupidity is another blog altogether). Blinkers, brake pedals and common sense are all in the shitter when stupid people drive. 

The sad truth is that many of these people will drift through life annoying the fuck out of the rest of us. So, the best thing we can do is keep sending research monies to find some way to cure this disease, just like we do for all of the other diseases they eventually found cures for......um...polio (thank you Dr. Salk, who asked for like $1.50 and got the job done). Until then, just suffer through and keep your punching in the face skills sharp. And remember what the immortal George Carlin said: "Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that"

What it's REALLY like to be a woman

People often ask me what it's like to be a woman. Fuck no they don't because they know I would slap the shit out of them and tell them to mind their own fucking business. LOL. The wonderful that is me. But seriously... I know it can be confusing for men and hell even for some women, but ladies, here it is, the true dirt, the good, the bad and the ugly for all to see. These remarks may resemble you and you may resent them....too fucking bad. Suck it up and put on your big girl panties. Recognize the glory that is you, even if part of the glory is your tits hanging down to your knees. ;)

Well, let's start off in the beginning. First off, when you're born a girl, half the population automatically hates you, and they (and you) don't even know why. As much as it pains me to admit it, women are genetically predisposed to not like other women. I don't know if it's the so called Queen Bee syndrome (only one ruler of this hive) or the fact that it's a bitch eat bitch world out there and anything you can do to reduce the competition, well hey. So there's that..being born despised.

 From there it's pretty much the same shit throughout elementary, junior high and high school. All the girls (future women) hating you, competing with you and overall just fucking up your life. I know it sounds bleak right? Well, it kind of is. But I am jumping a bit ahead. I don't want to forget the most awesome part about becoming the woman that we all want to be. You're minding your own business one day and then BAM. Like a fucking gut check punch, you start gushing blood out of your female parts for no reason. Well, there's a reason, but it's a stupid one. And now every month you have a wonderful stabbing sensation in your uterus and if you're really lucky you get the matching migraine accessory to go with it! So now, you've got bitches hating you, competing with you AND your own body fucking up your shit. Not a pretty story. 

So you get through high school... finally. And yeah, sure, there are a few "sisters" that you make along the way, promoting you, supporting you, listening to your crazy rants about how asinine the whole high school pop culture life is and about how Johnny Utah should have asked you to the prom instead of Suzie the high school slut. So, you make it to college. And you're expected to be smart, but not too smart. Sexy, but not too sexy. And find yourself, but just act like a lady while you do it. If you're going to have your girl on girl experimentation, for God's sake don't fucking videotape it. (I've heard that's bad). And then there's this sex thing. I mean, most girls have probably had sex before college, but I decided to put this part here because it's my fucking blog and I can do whatever I want. So, you finally have that "magical"moment and you know what you realize? That even if you're fucking the Tiny Tim of all dicks out there it FUCKING HURTS. There's no amount of love or lube that can take the pain of the first time away. And if you say it didn't hurt, you didn't do it right. You eventually hit your stride, get over the pain and figure out a way to orgasm, because Lord knows that 90% of the time, your partner sure won't figure that shit out for you. And then you discover the wonderful world of yeast infections, kidney infections and my all time favorite bacterial infections. (I am assuming that you're all not that big of a bunch of whores and I am not commenting on the fun world of STD's from a woman's point of view) Basically any time you get an infection "down there" they should just call it crotch rot. Because let me fucking tell you, that's what it feels like and that's sure as fuck what it smells like. Am I right ladies? So hopefully by the time you're 50 and about to hit menopause, you figure that shit out. 

Now the real fun begins. You graduate and you think you're the hottest thing since Prince changed his name to a non verbalized word. You go out into the job market, ready to change the world and guess what? Ain't that a bitch. No matter how great you were in school you are ALWAYS going to make LESS than a man. ALWAYS. Don't fucking comment on this blog and point out the like two fucking chicks that make more for the same job. Don't do it. That's the truth. Tits and ass only get you so far and then, well without the penis, you're just second banana sister. But, despite that you work your ass off. At work and at the gym because of course as a woman, you are expected to live up to the extremely non realistic body images of fashion models, porn whores and actresses. All of whom have professional make up artists, dietitians, personal trainers and of course their best friend in the WORLD....Photoshop. So, you eat like a fucking bird, and train like an Olympic athlete all for what? Self esteem? Pride? Health? FUCK NO. You do it for two fucking reasons. To get a man. (or woman) And to be able to make sure that you look better than all the other bitches out there. True story. Sure, sure, Cosmo has preached self empowerment and blah blah blah, but at the end of the day, those are your two reasons, period. 

So life is going by and of course if you're not married by the time your 21, you're a fucking loser old maid. So you buy into the societal bullshit of this marriage idea and find the perfect man. Charming, handsome, sensitive, ambitious, etc. and you tie the knot. And of course, you live happily ever after, right? FUCK NO. Now, you better start popping out some fucking kids. Because of course, EVERYONE knows that ALL women want to have kids, right? I mean what kind of fucked up bitch are you that doesn't want a snot machine, poop making, bank account draining bundle of joy? You must have been an abused child. WTF? Then you give in and have these 2.1 kids that you raise and that leave your body as a natural disaster zone. And just like the first time you had sex, guess what? THAT SHIT FUCKING HURTS. These little fuckers will tear you a new asshole, literally. They take away your patience, your life and your sanity, but you love them all the same. (Most of the time) And now what? You want to stay home and raise them, right? Because isn't it the lifetime dream of all women to be a "stay at home Mom"? FUCK NO it is not. But you attempt to live up to the unrealistic expectation of being the next June Cleaver and then the kids go off to school and grow up and then what? Then you are back where you started. Finding yourself. I mean every woman always wants to be known as so and so's Mom, right? Of course they fucking don't. OR if you're not one of the lucky ones and you actually have to hold down a job while raising these kids, you are guilted into a lifetime of "absent Mom syndrome". I mean how dare you miss a girl scout meeting or soccer game. Can't you balance working, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, planning birthday parties, driving the carpool, being the team Mom, the night time prostitute for Daddy and of course, let's not forget the accountant, part time nurse/doctor, and therapist? And let's not forget all of the support you WILL NEVER receive from all of the other Mom's out there. Judging you, asking if little Susie even has a Mom because we've never seen her. Sigh, that's right, you've never seen her because she's actually joined the work force and not invented another way to make macaroni stick to a piece of fucking construction paper...groundbreaking shit. 

And then when all the kids are raised, all the money made and the house is quiet and ready for the pitter patter of OTHER people's kids, aka: grand kids, your life winds down and you get to relax and enjoy every moment right? FUCK NO you don't. Because life is just that fair. Nope, you are going to go through the most horrific change of life and fuck your shit up body changing event EVER in the history of human kind. Welcome to fucking Menopause. I mean if men had to go through this shit they would have found a cure a fucking lifetime ago, but nope. Cold sweats, hot flashes, cramps, phantom pain, migraines, hormonal imbalances, and that's just the morning. Let's just say there is such thing as justifiable homicide. 

I know, it sounds so terrible to be a woman. It does. And I admit the above examples are mostly negative, but it doesn't make them any less true. However, I do have a soft side (don't spread that around). I wouldn't change being a woman for anything. I love my body, I love my kids and believe it or not, I actually love my fellow woman. I love that my body is constantly changing for good and bad because it forces me to realize how precious life is. I love that my kids have sucked every dime out of my bank account because they've repaid it a thousand times with all of the joy and love they've given me everyday they've been on the planet. And I didn't even mind the pain... years later. I love that I have a sense of self worth contributing at work and that if I so chose, I would have had that same sense of self worth raising a group of kids into great adults. And even though I earned less than a man, I didn't lose the lesson of a having a good work ethic or the value of earning a living. I don't necessarily love that I wasn't always there for my kids because I was working, but I do love that it taught them to be self reliant and appreciate the time we did have together. 
So fuck those penises and their higher wages. I'm keeping my vagina and ruling the world!
  Love my bitches!!!! 

12 Things Happy People do differently... MY version.

So at the beginning of the year I was thinking about how I can make this year better than last, make myself better, happier (not resolutions, because you know how I feel about that shit) and I realized that fuck it, my life is what it is and I am who I am (insert Popeye giggle here). Just kidding. I found this "article" on Facebook and I printed it out and stuck it on the wall by my desk. I look at it everyday and while at times it does bring me some inspiration, I mostly just give it the finger and think of a really sarcastic answer to the suggestions that it makes. Soooo.... in the spirit of my perfection of the art of smart ass, here is MY version of the 12 things that "happy" people do differently....

1) Express gratitude. The article actually suggests that you appreciate the things you have in your life instead of coveting what you WANT to have. Now this seems like encouragement to be a lazy fuck. Basically the advice is that you better appreciate what you have because it doesn't get any better. WTF? I say, express a lack of willingness to accept the status quo and then thank yourself when you finally get what you want. (Hopefully you worked for and earned it and didn't steal it. But who am I to judge?)

2) Cultivate Optimism. The article says that people see the cup as half full live in a world packed with endless opportunities. I say that if your glass is only HALF full you better get the fuck up and either fill it up yourself or have the bartender stop slacking on his duties. 

3) Avoid over-thinking and social comparison. Again, cherish what you already have and stop competing with the "Jones". WTF? This goes against every AMERICAN fiber of our beings. I mean what the fuck did that kid create Facebook for if not to over-think statuses, and compare your social life to those of your 8 million friends? This is terrible advice. If you don't obsess on what people say and do and try and beat those mother fuckers before they achieve something you haven't, you are lost in this world.

4) Practice Acts of Kindness. I am just going to go ahead and assume the author means for yourself. You should be kind to yourself everyday, because if you don't who will? Plus the author cites that practicing random acts of kindness releases Serotonin and well, couldn't we all use a little more Serotonin in our lives, really, come on.

5) Nurture social relationships. "The happiest people on the planet are the ones who have deep meaningful relationships". Well this is a no-brainer. Doesn't everyone have lots of deep meaningful relationships? The one I have with my legions of followers (Hint, hint), the one I have with the mailman when I say "thank you" for putting my mail in the mailbox. The one I have with my bartender when I politely say "where the fuck is my refill"? I mean some people have even taken this to the next level. Of course there are restraining orders and stalking laws to discourage that, but you should it give your all no matter what!! Who can put a price on the legal defense of YOUR happiness!

6) Develop strategies for coping. DUH! What do you think drugs and alcohol are for... NEXT

7) Learn to Forgive. "Harboring feelings of hatred is horrible for your well-being " I couldn't agree more. Don't hold that shit in. You find whoever it is that wronged you and beat the fuck out of them immediately. No time like the present. You will feel so much better. And after you're done, don't forget to tell the person how much you've forgiven them!

8) Increase flow experiences. When I first read this one, I thought well fuck, once a month is PLENTY for me, but the meaning was COMPLETELY different. "Flow is a state in which it feels like time stands still". WTF? Who is this person writing this fucking article? Time stands still? Who the fuck has time to stand still. In the REAL world the best philosophy is to keep it moving... a moving target is hard to hit. Forget this flow shit....

9) Savor life's joys. So I am assuming the author is talking about drinking your wine slower and eating your chocolate so that is lasts for hours (kind of like the flow, but better). So, yeah.

10) Commit to your goals. "Being wholeheartedly dedicated to doing something comes fully-equipped with an ineffable force." I don't even know what the fuck ineffable means. So, let me explain it to you. If you say you are going to punch someone in the face, you do it and do it well. If you're an excellent stalker, then you be the best stalker you can be. Make that commitment to excellence and achieve your goals. The ends always justify the means. Trust me. 


11) Practice spirituality. "when we practice spirituality or religion, we recognize that life is bigger than us". Um, no shit. Most of you know that I'm not big on religion or spirituality, so whatever floats your boat is up to you. But, yes, the world is bigger than you and if you haven't accepted that yet, then maybe you need to do more than just "practice" spirituality or religion, you may need professional help. 
12) Take care of your body. "Taking care of your body is crucial to being the happiest person you can be". Okay, I am going to go out on a limb and assume that this person means like exercise and shit. And let me just tell you that I have NEVER seen someone leaving a yoga class with a fucking smile on their face, NEVER. And I sure as fuck have never left my exercise sessions in an orgasmic state of being either.  Not that everyone shouldn't be healthy, but it's all relative. 



And there you have it. Follow these guidelines and you can be as happy as I am. Until next time.... you're welcome. :)

Asshole of the Year....And the award goes to:

I know, it sounds like an award you can FINALLY support right? But whatever you do, PLEASE do not forward me any nominations, because believe me I have P-L-E-N-T-Y. Seriously, in the course of your lifetime think about how many people you would love to just hand this (and by hand this to I mean beat the shit out of with) trophy to....I almost want to print out certificates and leave them as party gifts for all the deserving nominees. So without further ado here are the nominees. (You know the names have been withheld to protect the guilty and to protect this crazy woman from any lawsuits) You may recognize or resemble some of these nominees.

Nominee #1: The person that invented reality TV. I mean you have to be some kind of asshole to unleash this shit on the world. Think of all of the reality "stars" that we wouldn't have to know anything about if it wasn't for this asshole? A Kardashian, Housewives, Honey Boo Boo free world.....if only! 

Co-Nominees #2: A certain Rapstar and his um, Ho (I've always wondered it is Ho or Hoe, because really Hoe implies a lawn tool which insert nasty joke here, could apply as well). First for being a couple at all because let's face it, the world doesn't need stupid people breeding anymore than we already have. Second, for naming your spawn a stupid fucking name and really for overall just both being assholes (comparing yourself to Jesus and for selling your Ray J sex tape...WTF?)

Nominee #3: The athletic star (feel free to insert your favorite here) that causes scandal. Whether you ride a bike, bounce an orange ball, hit a little white ball or catch an oddly shaped brown ball...seriously WTF? I mean I know it's partially the publics fault for idolizing you for these ridiculous "talents", but come on. Considering the amount of money you have and people who are willing to kiss your ass, you couldn't pay off the doctor to keep quiet about your drugs? You couldn't pay off the Ho's (or Hoe's) you were fornicating with to keep their fucking mouths shut? They ARE Ho's after all. You couldn't pay off anymore people or destroy anymore evidence when you wanted to kill people? (WTF??) Seriously, these people are a waste of time and space and deserve an award that says so.

Nominee #4: That person at the office that is trying to feed a small village with office potluck food. Seriously, Little Caesar's Pizzas are like $5, come on.

Nominee #5: The US government. I mean really where to begin? So many deserving achievements to list. I mean, prohibiting people from expressing their love in a religious manner that is rewarded with monetary compensation in the form of tax breaks supporting a true separation of church and state.. come on now. Or how about spying on people through their cell phone calls and texts and trying to hide it. Or how about getting rid of the only program that actually united your citizens, the space ships that don't really go anywhere.

Nominee #6 (TIE): The owner of a major football franchise that is the BIGGEST PUSSY on the planet when he let a Russian prick steal his championship ring and not even ask for it back because he was too afraid. Grow a pair you rich douche bag and do what every other rich guy does and pay Liam Neeson to go get your shit back. And then tie goes to the ACTUAL Russian prick who stole the ring.

Nominee #7: Your favorite religious zealot. (Feel free to insert any name you wish here). There are soooo many reasons why this person is deserving of this award, but the MOST important has to be the "blind faith" that this person has. I mean, let's put it in terms that the average (stupid) person can understand. I am going to write a book today and I am going to list a bunch of rules of things you should and shouldn't do, list a bunch of beliefs you should and shouldn't have and then for good measure I am going to throw in a bunch of stories that could absolutely NO WAY have ever happened, ever. And to put the cherry on top, I am going to tell you that a divine inspiration gave me the words to write down. And in 3500 years, you all better be adhering to the letter of the law in my book. So there! And I rest my case.

Nominee #8: The asshole that complains NONSTOP about the government and then admits they didn't vote. WTF? This is the ultimate, nth degree of hypocrisy and this person should be punched in the throat.

Nominee #9: The person (and you ALL know who you are) that doesn't know how to spell, use punctuation or pronounce words properly. There is a difference between their, there and they're. There is a difference between then and than. The word is ASK not AKS. There is an apostrophe in contractions (I know this is a big word, but google it, trust me). I mean seriously, considering that you can type one letter and google, spell check, and the iphone can read your mind, it's ridiculous that these people should be allowed to walk the Earth considering the survival of the fittest theory. Seriously.

Nominee #10: Anyone who ever uses in a sentence, in a FB status update, in a Tweet, etc. the word YOLO. Automatic punch in the throat. No exceptions.

Again, please feel free to make your own nominations, just don't send them to me!!!  

More of a few of my favorite things.....NOT

So my sister-in-law sent me a message the other day asking me to comment on what I thought about Kanye and Kim's kid being named North. While at the time I hadn't even heard what those two fucktards (who should NEVER have been allowed to pro-create) named their child (soon to be fucktard) it got me thinking back to my favorite topic....bitching about things I don't like. So, thank you sister-in-law for brightening my day with all the possibilities. Without further ado....round 2.

I will just get it out there up front. Putting a pin in the whole celebrity baby naming thing (or as I like to call them Fucktards who think they matter in the world), let me just say this about Kanye and Kim. First, he is an asshole. He used to at least be a talented asshole, but now... not so much with the talent. I don't know if his mother's death affected him that much, but everyone has drama, move on. And her, I can't even begin. But when you fuck an entire nation of "famous" people, publish your sexcapades for all to view it tells me that 1) you're extremely insecure 2) you're fucking an idiot and 3) you are a wanna be pornstar. So, Kanye and Kim NOT anywhere near a few of my favorite things. 

Baby names. Aside from famous people there are some regular people who just take naming their child to a whole new level of fucktardedness. Remember that your child has to go through life with this name. Remember that every teacher from Kindergarten through college is going to call this name out in front of a crowd of its peers. Naming your child a fruit, a random thought or a direction, are never good choices. These are choices made by self indulgent fucktards who want everyone to pay more attention to them because they can't get enough so they use their child to gain even more attention. Yes, I'm talking about you, Gwyneth Paltrow (Apple), Demi Moore (Rumer, Scout, Tallulah Belle) and fucktard Kim (North). You are pathetic and should be banned from pro-creation. I am not saying the Dad's get a pass either, but let's face it, much like wedding plans, naming of the kids generally run by the chick. So for all of you Seven's (if you watched Seinfeld, you will get that AWESOME reference) and Skylabs, I apologize for your parents attention whoredness.... NEXT. 
Why the fuck do people at work feel the need to have LOUD ASS personal conversations in the middle of the fucking office? Go out into the hall, the garage, I don't give a fuck, but I certainly don't want to hear you and and your significant other continue your argument from last night. Ain't nobody got time for that. 
People who troll Facebook, Pinterest, whatever the fuck social media for attention. Posting vague and pathetic statuses for everyone to quickly comment on. Grow the fuck up. Nobody cares about you and if they did, they wouldn't fucking write about it on social media. Dipshit. 
Why the fuck is everything in the world bad for you? You can't eat this or live here or drive that or talk on this cell phone. For fuck's sake, someone just lasso us into the Sun and get it over with... Sheesh. It can't be all that fucking bad. If it was, people would be dropping like flies already. 
People who have no grasp of the English language nor the writing skills to prove different. Yes, we all are irritated with your, you're and then and than, but FUCK...there are people who don't even know the difference between specific and pacific. The I before E rule is completely lost on these folks. Where the fuck did they go to school, the BCA's school? WTF? In the laziest society in the world, you can still look like a genius if you use your spell check and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Internet Memes. Honestly, I had to ask someone what the fuck that shit was. It's funny for five minutes and the first 50 that people send you via email. After that, it's just fucking stupid and pathetic. Everyone needs to go back to People of Wal-Mart and Ecards. Enough said.
Hollywood "stars' (I fucking hate that term) that just won't let it go. I don't give a fuck HOW good you thought Fast and Furious 6 was, it's enough now. They are talking about a seventh. This is not James fucking Bond, it's car thieves. How long does it take the fucking world to recognize these fucking people that come into their country to rob them? Seriously? And how do they fucking run out of money so fast? Liam Neeson, Taken 1 was a great movie, Taken 2 was the shit I step in when I am hiking up a mountain after horses have been there, the fact that you are remotely contemplating a Taken 3, well, a punch in the throat is warranted here. And how many times can fucking Iron Man or The Avengers save the planet? I have been walking around here a fair amount of time and have never thought, Fuck, I wish we had a group of heroes to save us from....ourselves? WTF? 
How the fuck are you Starbucks and you run out of breakfast sandwiches at 9 in the morning? Yes, this is personal to me but still...you are the fucking LARGEST coffee retailer on the fucking planet. Maybe ordering a couple hundred sandwiches might be in order you morons. 
And when the fuck did TV programs become so fucking lazy? When I was little, programs were on until Summer break, everyone got their vacations and then back to it by the time school started. WTF is up with these shows and their season finales say "We will back in 2014". WTF is that? 2014? What if the world ends (you know the Avengers aren't real)? What if I fucking FORGET every damn thing that happened on your fucking show because it's been an eternity since the last episode? And no I don't want to fucking watch 20 episodes over the weekend to "catch up". Fuck you TV! You should be on my schedule not yours. 


Feeling much better now that I've gotten that out there in cyberspace. Feel free to keep YOUR favorite things to yourself! Until next time.....

Marriage, guns and other great social reform topics.

Sigh, here we are in the great year of 2013, the 21st century and for all of the "giant leaps forward" we still seem like a planet full of backwards ass dipshits. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? I mean that rhetorically of course, because I already know the answer. People are what's wrong with people. As I contemplate the items that consistently grab the headlines, I just shake my head and wonder if we will ever truly achieve a society where nobody has their heads up their ass. Short of martians enslaving the human population, I don't believe so. So, here are this crazy woman's takes on the ever present social reform headlines we see.
Marriage. Ah, our good friend marriage. To love honor, obey (wait they took that out, right?), and cherish. These TOTALLY sound like words of legalese to me, don't they to you? Wait, what is that you say, they sound more, faith based, more God like, more RELIGIOUS??!!! GASP! Can't be. Marriage a religious institution? How dare thee blasphemer! So, here's the deal. A long long time ago, before Elizabeth Taylor and her 52 marriages and before Larry King started tying then untying the knot, there was this sacred institution, thought up by men, to keep women under their control. I use the word sacred because that's the word these male chauvinist fuckers used to make it sound all nice and flowery and the dumb chicks bought into it. EVERY religion has some form of marriage or union between their participants. Sometimes these unions are not socially accepted, however for the participants, these are their beliefs. And they will adamantly defend these beliefs til death do them part. Interesting that when convenient, religious fanatics (Yes, you are ALL fanatics) subscribe to the separation of church and state idealism. However, when it comes to marriages they want to have their three tiered wedding cake and eat it too. Marriage brings about some pretty awesome benefits with it. If you are "legally" married, you are in a better tax bracket, you pay less for health insurance, you have more legal rights to own property, you have more legal rights over your spouse's estate, you even have more rights over your OWN child than non-married people do. Makes sense, right? FUCK NO. In the US alone the current divorce rate is now OVER 50%. It takes 5 minutes in most states to fill out a marriage license and say "I do" and in some states it can take as much as 18 months (and thousands of dollars) to get divorced. How did we get the country to buy into this insane religious "institution"  and adopt it as a national way of life? Because you both signed a piece of paper your relationship is better than mine? It will last longer than mine? Statistics say different. And if that's the way you feel, USA, then shouldn't marriage and all it's awesome legal "perks" be extended to ALL of its citizens. I mean, after all, this is the land of the free, right? Certain inalienable rights? But that's not the way it is. The way it is now, is that the conservative right wing fucking religious zealot nut jobs, have decided that seeing two people of the same sex have the same rights that they do, makes them uncomfortable. WHAT THE FUCK SHIT IS THAT? Let me for a moment, put the gay marriage aside. If I decide that I don't want to be encumbered by this RELIGIOUS RITE OF CULT PASSAGE that everyone goes through, well because I'm not FUCKING RELIGIOUS, then I get punished as well? If I decide that I am perfectly content to have a "partner" or "domestic partner" or whatever the FUCK you want to call him, I still get dicked out of the "inalienable" rights of married people? Explain this to me. I pay taxes, I work, I vote, but because I'm not married (is this like when they wrote the constitution and they really meant that they were granting inalienable rights to white land owners only?) I get the grand fucking without any dinner or cigarette afterwards? If you think this doesn't affect you, YOU ARE WRONG. Want to buy property with your "partner" better pay your lawyers a shit-ton of money to make sure you don't get screwed out of profit when it sells. Want to adopt a baby with your "partner", only ONE of you can be the legal guardian, not both. Want to put your "partner" on your health plan? Sure, your company will pay you for what it would pay for your partner then tax you on it as additional income than pay the part that you would pay AFTER taxes. Want to make medical decisions for your partner? Fuck you, you need a living will for that. When they ask if you are "immediate family", guess what? The answer is "No". So, in our awesomely separate yet equal society, oh, I mean equal society, if you aren't God fearing, then you are just fearing... the pain of taking it in the ass with no lube.
Gun Control. I am on the fence about this one. I do believe that it is your right to arm yourself if you so choose. I do believe that is not the government's place to control this decision. I also believe that I cannot imagine a scenario wherein you would need a fucking African war lord's arsenal to defend yourself from the government or anyone for that fact. I mean look at not too distant history, the Santa Monica shootings, the Colorado shootings at the movie theater, I mean what exactly are we telling our citizens? It's okay for EVERYONE to have guns, but it's not okay for you to use them to shoot each other? Um... okay. Makes complete sense right... well it's ONLY okay for you to shoot a prostitute in Texas if she doesn't comply with your request for sex after you had to pay for it.(Pretty sure prostitution is illegal...but I digress). True story. So aside from Texas and their wild west way of life, in the real world, what the fuck is going on here? Are we hurtling towards a real life "The Purge" scenario? Will it be okay to "get it out of your system" one day per year so we can put all these guns and bullets to good use? Look, we don't live in a third world country. There is no need to stockpile arms. President Obama isn't trying to disarm the American people. If you feel safe with a gun, then good for you. Just keep your fucking gun at home where it belongs. And oh, NRA, we do fucking need more thorough background checks of people you sell your shit to. If you don't think so, then you are fucking stupid and ignorant. Mentally unstable people shouldn't have guns. But then again, fucking assholes shouldn't be controlling the country with their lobbying and bribes..... On to the next one...
Your Privacy. Ooooh.... the CIA/NSA/GESTAPO is listening to your calls, monitoring your texts, reading your FB posts... so fucking what? What do you have to hide? Sure, I believe in my right to privacy, but you know what I also fucking believe in? I believe that there are fucking lunatics out there that plot to injure and kill Americans on a daily fucking basis and you know how they plan to do it, through fucking social media, the internet and their fucking cell phones. So fucking what if the NSA wants to waste their time reading your sexts to your significant other. Would you rather feel violated or would you rather feel dead? Freedom isn't really free. People have to fight for it all over the world, yet somehow us Americans feel it's a right that we are born with, entitled to and won't lift a fucking finger to do anything about. Look, I'm not saying that we should endure violation of our constitutional rights or that censorship should ensue... But I am saying that if scanning some random calls, texts or emails makes it safe for my kids to fly around the country or live in a major city, then I am okay with that. Get over your self righteousness and stop being so self centered to believe that anyone cares what you're texting anyone about....
Gay Marriage. This one may seem redundant, but I have a point here. While this may seem to contradict the paragraph before this one, let me make something crystal clear. I don't like my fucking Mom telling me what I can and can't do let alone the fucking government. You may think this doesn't affect you because A) you're not gay B) you don't personally know any gay people or C) you happen to not like gay people. Well let me show you how we get from point A to internment camps in a very short illustration. Essentially the only difference between gay people and straight people is the way you choose to have sex. Period. If you think otherwise, you are ignorant. Please stop reading my blog if you are this ignorant, because my humor is probably lost on you anyway. So, there are still laws on the books of many states that outlaw Sodomy. For those of you new to sex, sodomy is anal sex. Now, if you think anal sex is limited to gay men, you obviously have never been on the internet. So, as a governmental entity, the USA is saying that it is wrong for you to have anal sex, period. If someone in Congress decides (most likely from the Bible belt) to interpret a new passage in the Bible to say that doggie style is immoral and it gets outlawed, still think it only affects the gay population? If the government goes one step further and says that there are certain ethnic mixes that really shouldn't pro-create because of the possibility of genetic mutations, and that gets outlawed, still doesn't affect you? How about your kids? Your family members? Do you get the gist of where I am going with this? When you sit silently by and let others be persecuted because it doesn't affect you, do you see what that leads to? There's a quote/poem by Martin Niemoller that you should google and read. And after you read that, tell me that you have the right to tell two other Americans that they aren't permitted to love, cherish and honor each other for the rest of their lives. Enough said.
Tune in next time when I give my views on Internet Memes, George Takei and other very pressing matters of the day.