What's my status?

As I begin to write this particular blog, I know that I am going to be judged. People are going to project their personal feelings onto my status blog. Well you know what? Whatever, I don't care. Judge away Judgie McJudgersons! 

So, what IS my status? What does this status even refer to? I am talking about my Facebook status? Here are the choices for Facebook statuses. I have taken the liberty of demystifying them so that you all know what the statuses actually mean. 
Single: Self explanatory. With the asterisk being that there are some crazy ass people that are actually in a relationship that change this status at the end of every fight with their significant other. And also cheating men. 
In a Relationship: This status can be misleading. It could be one date and the stalker to be is already committed you to a life time of restraining orders. This could also mean you want to seem more attractive to certain crazies and therefore it is a smoke screen. Or it could mean that you are actually in a relationship with a real live human being. 
Engaged: Another misleading status. I think the misconception here is that you ACTUALLY have to be asked by someone to marry them. It's not a wishful thinking kind of a status. Asterisk-it does not qualify as a synonym for busy. 
Married: Legally entangled with a real live human being. Asterisk-you will note that FB does not allow for part time married, married for legal reasons, not sure if the baby is mine married or married for tax reasons. 
It's Complicated: (My personal favorite) This is code for I am not certain how the other person I obsess over feels about me.  It can also be code for, I have multiple love interests and don't want to piss any of them off.  Another potential code is I am currently stalking a celebrity and not sure if they even know I exist, yet. And last, but certainly not least, I am awaiting termination of the temporary restraining order against me and will update my status to "In a Relationship" as soon as it is. 
In an Open Relationship: This one, I have to admit, confuses me. I mean it's so honest and up front, it doesn't seem to belong in the FB universe. This one, I have to say, if you have the proverbial testicular fortitude to display, it probably literally and accurately reflects your status. 
Widowed: This is used for the obvious status of "I got dumped and wish the other person was dead". Or it could really mean your significant other has passed. 
Separated: Ah, another favorite. My significant other and I just broke up five minutes ago and I am not sure if we are going to get back together or not and I still want to have a booty call so I'm not changing my status to Single just yet. 
Divorced: Female definition: I am an over 40 year old cougar and think that this status will turn on men under 30 because it means I'm experienced. Male Definition: I am over 40 and recently divorced and want to attract a 20 year old who thinks because I can afford a divorce I must have money to spend on her. 
In a Civil Union: I honestly have no idea why you would put this as your status other than you live in a state that discriminates against your sexual orientation and I think you should take a stand and say FUCK YOU and put that you're married. That's just my opinion though.... 
In a Domestic Partnership:  Don't lie, you automatically assume gay here. BUT...there are many definitions (and I'm not just saying that because it happens to be MY personal status). Co-habitation of two people could be reflected in this particular status. Again, you live in a state that discriminates against your sexual orientation. Asterisk-You don't want your internet boyfriend/girlfriend to know you are actually married, so you put this status instead. And a remote possibility, the IRS is searching your "social media profile" and you don't want to tip your hand about your exemptions. (Oh yeah, it's true)

Now in the "real world" and not FBland as I like to call it, these statuses are useless. They are about as useful at telling you what the actual situation is as having Red Sox tickets in October is. So in the real world when someone asks you what your status is, what should you say? What does it refer to? 

I find it odd that in today's day and age, it really is one of the first questions people ask you, male or female, when they meet you. Like this so called "status" defines who you are. Does it? Was the single (truly single, not FB single) you different than the married you? Do you answer questions differently now that you are divorced than when you were married? I guess it depends on the questions. 
For me personally,  I have a significant other, and I call him a significant other because I feel like I am too old to have a boyfriend. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. This is just a personal thing really. But that really doesn't tell you who am I as a person. I mean, yes, you know that I am committed to someone, but not where I live, what I do for a living or how I vote. It would seem to me the question is a set up for judgement. Because I am a certain age and am in a domestic partnership and not married, people will assume that means something. When really, it means that I am a certain age and in a domestic partnership. I guess the point here is that why should we continue to place one more label for people to make incorrect assumptions and judgments about who we really are? Don't get me wrong, I get the comfort and security of having a label to describe the domestic bliss that you may be a part of. But does it need to be out front of everything else that defines who you are? Weren't you a solitary, independent you before you were part of a "coupling"? I mean why is there pity or disappointment in someone's eyes when they proclaim that they are single or unattached?  Having been in some kind of a relationship for the majority of my life, I can understand the constraints of constantly being associated with another person, good or bad. For some reason people assume that once you are a couple your brain functions in rhythm with your partner. You MUST be interested in the same things. Got news for you, being different is probably what attracted me to this person to begin with. Why would I want to adopt their views just for the sake of our couple status? 
At the end of the day, people are still going to judge you by your status. They are going to make assumptions about what your status says about you. But you know what? Fuck 'em. Let them assume all they want. You keep them guessing and make up your own status. (Which is another thing that pisses me off about FB. Why no free form status available?) From now on my status is going to be Mind Your Own Fucking Business. Or on a good day, Fuck You, Have a Nice Day!  

If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask.....

Is it just Americans that feel the need to comment or have an opinion on everything or is it human nature? Seriously, why the fuck do people feel compelled to tell you what they think or how they feel....UNSOLICITED. You are wondering right now how I, creator of such thoughtful, wise and meaningful opinions, can have the audacity to criticize. And I will tell you. My opinions, while in theory may be unsolicited, are a choice because people CHOOSE to read my blog. I don't force it upon them. Unsolicited opinions that fly out of peoples mouths everyday, ah, those are different stories. Let me provide you with some examples. I color my hair. Pretty much everyone that reads this blog knows that I color my hair red. At different times it has been different shades of red. My hair is naturally curly. I can straighten it with the assistance of modern technology. I wear it curly, I wear it straight, my choice. Why the fuck would people feel the need to come and tell which hair color and/or style they think looks better? Do I give a fuck? Are you my fucking stylist? If I gave a shit about what you thought, you'd know by now. Or have you ever been in a clothing store and a complete stranger comes up and tells you that they don't like the way something looks on you? Or vice versa, that they think it looks good? Or how about the dumb fucker that approaches you to advise what is a wise shopping choice and what is not? It takes all my energy not to punch these people in the fucking face. Didn't their Mom teach them that they shouldn't speak unless spoken to? WTF? People give opinions on how to raise your child, what kind of food to eat, what type of car to drive, what school to go to. When the fuck did being a part of the human race entitle you to infringe upon my personal space? Your rights end where mine BEGIN fucker. This epidemic needs to be stopped I tell you. My proposal? Cattle prods. From now on when someone provides an unsolicited opinion, you get to shock them with a cattle prod.Although this may seem cruel and unusual, AT FIRST, but it really is the best solution. Plus, you would get to carry a cattle prod...added bonus. 
But seriously, a compliment is one thing, but these unsolicited opinions have got to stop. And just because some people couple them with "friendly" advice, does NOT make them any less unsolicited. When my kids were little people would come over all of the time and tell me why my kid was doing what they were doing. Oh, he's crying because he's hungry, you can tell. She's drooling because she's teething. Thank you Captain Fucking Obvious. Now mind your own fucking business and while you're at it stop eating McDonald's and jump on a treadmill every once in a while. Now see if I had said that, I would have been the asshole. But what's the difference? I want to believe at the end of the day stupid people such as these truly believe that they are adding value in some way. However, when you look at it from the perspective of, how fucking arrogant are you to think that I want or need to hear what the fuck comes out of your mouth every second of the day, they really aren't. 
I would get T-Shirts made up that say "Before you open mouth ask yourself if anyone gives a fuck" but I am too lazy. 

So, if you are guilty of these unsolicited opinions, you better stop because I have my cattle prod charged and ready. 

That F'n Fruit Company......

In the travels of my professional life (that makes me laugh) I have had the misfortune, er, I mean fortune of working with that fruit company. For legal reasons, they shall remain anonymous, but you all know of whom I speak. At first, like most people would have been, I was excited at the opportunity to work with these innovators, these trailblazers in their respective field, and let's be honest, I thought I would end up getting a hook up as well. But alas, no hook up, no inciting of my creative juices only an inside look into what I have to call the largest, most profitable cult in the history of the world. If these people could turn themselves into said fruit, they would. They eat, live, sleep and breathe their company. I am all for being passionate about what you do, but there are limits. Yes, it's cool that they can pretty much come to work in their pajamas (seriously, I saw two people in "lounger" pants, one in yoga pants and unfortunately one chick who had no business wearing the Daisy Dukes she was sporting) and sure it's cool that they get to work with cutting edge technology, and sure their AWESOME (subsidized) cafeteria puts Hollywood catering to shame but at what cost I ask? Where are their boundaries? It's your job, not a way of life people! There are other companies, other hobbies, other people on the planet. To say these people have an elitist attitude is putting it mildly. They truly believe that they are making the world a better place. Hmmm....they don't develop cutting edge medical technology, they aren't developing a cure for cancer (just ask their dearly departed former cult leader), and they aren't inventing a car that doesn't use gas that costs a million dollars a gallon (can you believe that shit?). What they are doing, is creating a lazier, more reliant on technology, two steps away from the Matrix kind of society. It's not that I don't appreciate the products they produce. My significant other (THAT is another blog) practically has the fruit company's store front right there in our living room. It's just that having to deal with them on a professional level (ha, ha...I can't help myself) is so ridiculous that I can't even describe my misery when I am forced to do so.Let me provide some examples.....I myself, have to carry a Blueberry for work. As you know, the Blueberry is NOT an accepted fruit of the fruit company, they despise Blueberries. I was forced to conceal my Blueberry while in the other fruit company's building. Really? Isn't competition what makes America so great? For those of you who don't know what I do, don't worry, I'm not going to tell you now. But, I will tell you that the general focus of most of my clients is saving money. Saving money on how much they pay out to their employees. The fruit company's focus? Are our employees happy? While in theory, that is a noble concept these people are fanatical about it. The little guy getting consideration from the "man" is all well and good but these people take it to the extreme. They want to ensure that their employees get a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon kind of feel when they get treated for their work related injury. Um....not so much. Most employers are happy to know that the doctors in the clinic where their employees are getting treated all have valid medical licenses.
Maybe the problem is that I wish MY company was more like that. Maybe I wish that my colleagues were prompted to strive for perfection in everything that they did and demand the same of every vendor partner we have. I don't really think that's it, I think that it's just that they are a pain in the ass that focuses on whether or not we put a comma in the right place in the letters that go to their employees. I shit you not.
In my most recent visit to the main "campus", which by the way is set up EXACTLY like a college campus would be, the spot where they memorialized (literally the memorial was there which really kind of grossed me out that there was a dead body in the place where I was getting ready to purchase my lunch) their departed cult leader was pointed out to me. It was a grassy place where people can "stop by and reflect on what a great man he was" (I didn't make that up, that is EXACTLY what they said to me). I think the only man I would stop by and reflect on is Derek Jeter and it sure as fuck better be while he's still alive. Just saying. 
While I get that being the best has its perks and advantages, I also think that (and don't criticize here) that with great power comes great responsibility (thank you Uncle Ben). I think the fruit company has forgotten that while their commitment to excellence to their customer base is great, their vendor partners and people that have to DEAL with them also comprise that customer base. There really is no such way as "the fruit company's way", it's just a mantra to get college graduates excited about a job that you've convinced them will change the planet. I could go on and tell you stories about how their interview process is 10 steps long and that they don't really have job descriptions (because that's too limiting), or that there was a team within the company that spent 34 weeks (I swear to you I am not fucking around) on a TAB to remove a plastic cover to ensure that it met the cult leader's approval, but that would take up too much time. Just remember that the next time you fruit company fanatics purchase more and more products to make them a global powerhouse worth more than the USA's GNP, don't say that I didn't warn you. And whatever you do, don't injure one of their damn employees, the ramifications of this make my life HELL!