Have you ever noticed?

I play this game a lot with my husband, and he hates it. He calls it judgemental. Whatever.. he's a dude, he doesn't get it. He OBVIOUSLY hasn't read my blog post about the differences of being judgemental and making observations... duh. But seriously, don't you ever stop and shake your head (for me it's literally one million times a day) and go what the fuck was that person thinking? I have a whole lotta these so strap in my fellow observationists.

Have you ever noticed that the people that "praise God" for their blessings all the time are usually ( I said usually, don't go getting all up in arms) the ones that complain about everything? It's like those people that order a big mac meal and then a diet coke. Like it evens it out. It doesn't. 

Ever notice that the parents that constantly talk about or post about how great their kids are usually have the biggest asshole kids. EVERYONE'S kid uses technology now a days, who are you lying to? I'm not judging you, parents get by doing what works for them. But come on, nobody's kids are perfect, not even mine. :p

Have you ever noticed that literally every single person that voted for the Cheeto cannot provide a reason or explanation as to why they voted for him without using the words Hillary, Obama or Liberals? If he was the best choice, then you should be able to at least point to something he does well and not what his predecessors or opponents have done wrong. Word. 

Ever notice that certain groups of society that some people (not me) may label as minorities (and I don't necessarily mean your ethnic background) seem to separate themselves from the whole of society by participating in activites that include only "their" group can be part of and exclude the so-called majority (or other minorities for that fact) which is literally the definition of paradoxy, irony and hipocrisy all at the same time? Hmmmm.....

Have you ever noticed that the faster you drive on the freeway, the harder the rain seems to get? I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. It's a natural phenomena. (I really want to put the person who said that to me on blast, but I can't)

Have you ever noticed that people that begin their sentences or thoughts with "To be honest" or "I'm going to tell you the truth" are always lying? It's like they're prepping your mind to believe the bullshit that's about to spew out. Like you won't notice. I notice fuckers, I notice.

Ever notice that one "friend" that everyone has that gives everyone advice usually has the most fucked up life? Living in their Mom's basement, no job and dating someone's husband/wife and trying to tell you to leave your Significant Other or quit your job. Know why? MISERY LOVES COMPANY. 

Alright, enough enlightment for one post. 

An Open Letter to my Children

Besides being a crazy woman, a career woman, a small business owner, an outrageously talented blogger, a sports fan, an awesome friend, an amazing wife, you get the picture, I am a Mom. Yes, the "M" word. I have been a Mom for going on 25 years now. It's funny because it's not like I dreamed of having kids when I was little. Completely the opposite in fact. I told my Grandmother when I was 16 that I was probably never going to get married and was definitely not having kids, and if I did, it would be through artificial insemination via a donor from the sperm bank. She looked me dead in the eye and asked if I was a lesbian. True story.  But here I am now, three kids, a step-kid and on my second marriage. Talk about best laid plans... I am literally laughing out loud as I type that. Anyhow, my kids have all passed the age that I was when I first became a Mom and sometimes the mood strikes me I send them text messages or have "family meetings" (their favorite) to remind them that they are not ready to be parents any time soon. These texts and meetings usually involve them staring at me in horror and me rolling on the floor laughing. What are you going to do?

It's a funny funny world we live in now a days (I sound like my Nona...) and I wonder how they are going to get through it sometimes. How are they going to know what to do and when to do it? Who is going to tell them how to make Easter baskets and pretend to be Santa Claus and even though you may want to punch some kid in the face, letting their kids fight their own battles? And then it hit me, I mean I always knew it deep down, but I am NEVER going to stop being their Mom. FUUCCKKK... I didn't sign up for this long of a haul. What the fuck? It is my job to keep teaching them until the fucking day I day and even probably then I will be giving direction as to what to do next. I joke, I use sarcasm, but if you don't feel that way and you have kids, please reevaluate your life choices and if you don't have kids yet, please continue down that path. I am the most serious I can be when I say that this is a lifelong commitment. Fuck good times and bad, you don't have time to distinguish between the two and it all runs together until you get a moment to take a breath and look back and it's all over. Sounds sad, I know, but fuck what an adventure. So, even though I'm not dying or anything (at least not today) I thought I would impart some lasting wisdom on these little fuckers (who aren't so little anymore) before I set out on my next adventure, so here goes an open letter to my spawn (biological and otherwise)

Dear Spawn,

You may not have always understood why I did the things I did, but I understood, and it was for your own good. Could I have been less dramatic or even lowered my voice, probably, but what fun would that have been and would it have really left that much of an impression on you? If there is anything I can tell you about raising kids and having a family is that you cannot take yourself or anything too seriously. I remember stressing about what outfits you were going to wear on each holiday and taking the perfect picture and putting up the perfect decorations. But you know what I realized?  You were too little to notice and you only remembered how you FELT during those times, and who was there and not much else. Fuck, for Christmas one year someone wanted a Barbie dream house, got it and the proceeded to play with the fucking box for two hours before even looking at the damn thing.
However, I am getting ahead of myself. Before anything else, try and find a job you love doing and if you can't find that, that at least something you can tolerate or something that allows you time to do something you love. A lifetime of misery due to work is no fun. Oh, and make sure it pays enough to keep you in your OWN house. Choose a partner that completes you and doesn't define you. Stand on your own, always have your own money for emergencies and always know that you survived long before they were in your life and you will most definitely survive (if need be) without them in your life. You will however, not survive without your Mother. Because I will hunt you down and take you out. Seriously. You recall my favorite saying during your childhood? "I brought you into this world and I will damn sure take you out". Children are not for everyone, but they are forever. Whatever you choose (or don't choose)  I wish for you that your kids pull the absolute dumb fuckery shenanigans that you pulled as kids. I hope that your kids lose all of their fucking shoes every time you are about to leave the house. I hope that every relative you know gives them 152 pounds of candy for Easter and Halloween and that they receive the noisiest most annoying toys for Christmas gifts. I hope they test your patience during school days and decide that "sweating is not for them" in the middle of a soccer game. I hope they decide that they don't give a shit about school and then beg for your help the day before their projects are due. I hope they tell you that Grandma's house is way more fun than your house. I hope that every friend they pick is an absolute asshole and they invite them over every fucking opportunity they get. I hope that they decide that curfews are an option and you never get a good night's sleep from the day they are born. I hope they decide that they want to go the most expensive far away college they can find, only to return a year later. But truly what I wish for you in life is that if you decide to have children that they bring you the joy and love that you have all brought and continue to bring to my life on a daily basis. And I hope you are one tenth as good of a parent as I am fuckers! As always, your loving Mother. 

I'm a snowflake, so fuck you

Ugh... see what 2017 has done to me already? I fucking missed my Merry Fucking Christmas post, I missed my un-resolution, resolution post and now I have to fucking write about politics. WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, what the fuck? So much has happened since this piece of trash uneducated shit (POTUS-see what I did there?) has taken office, I have been forced, forced I tell you to address it. I am what you call politically an extremist. There are beliefs I have that are far right (very few and far between) and some I have to the extreme left, but I am mostly in the middle. Really, what I'm mostly for is a real democracy, which we don't have. But fuck... there has been some ridiculous shit that has happened.

First, starting off with the fucking ignorant people who berated and belittled all the HUMAN BEINGS who marched all over the world for a common belief, fuck you. For those women who believe that their pussies shouldn't be grabbed randomly, their procreation rights trampled by the government and want equal pay and treatment in the workplace... thank you , I appreciate your stance and your passion. Am I feminist? Probably not, I think mostly because I say the word bitch too much. But seriously, I have been saying for years that women are the most discriminated against group in the world, and I'm pretty much always right, so there. The problem is the divide created by BOTH sides. What's that saying, opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and everyone's stinks. If you don't like the smell of the asshole, move on to the next. No need for name calling or violence. No need to belittle what someone else believes in to further your own cause. (This does not count for racism, religious intolerance or advocating violence, because I said so)

Second, just the sheer lack of experience and lack of honesty. Look, I was born at night, but not last fucking night. (I actually don't know if I was born at night, so Mom or Dad if you're reading this, a little clarification please). Maybe it was a good idea to have a business person run the country. More efficient, less special interests, more innovation. I agree, but not the business man they chose. His business ventures aren't even successful and they're dishonest and shady. He hasn't worked for anything ever and he is perpetuating this environment of ignorance by nominating and appointing people even less qualified than him, if possible. This is a problem. The bullshit-o-meter is off the charts on this regime (not an administration because that implies organization and efficency) and the level of hostility is just unbelievable. The maturity level of this person and his staff to take to SOCIAL media (it's fucking called SOCIAL media because it's not ACTUAL media) to rip off whatever pops into their fucking ignorant minds is just mind blowing. No leader of any country, nation or territory is perfect and you're not going to please all of the people all of the time, but there's got to be some effoft and plan to at least further the welfare of the people you are supposed to be taking care of.

Lastly, it brings me to my final and yet saddest point. Look, bullshit aside, I (me and mine) are going to be fine. We're going to endure this fucking nightmare for as long as it lasts, with most likely minimal impact. And it's because we have careers in industries that are essentially recession proof and none of our immediate family members are gay. (another post for another day on how this regime is the most discriminatory) We're going to be alright. You know who is not going to be alright? All the misinformed, misled people from White middle America who decided that he was the best option. The best option, think about that for a minute. A (might as well be through his statements and actions) self declared misogynist, a person with a track record of blatant racism, a person with ties to countries with whom this country has declared "enemies of the state". THIS was what they felt was their best option. Opinions (or assholes, whichever you like best) of the previous administration aside, or the proposed opponent in the past election aside, this was NOT the best option for those rural farmers in Ohio, those unemployed in Michigan and those disenfranchised from the "Bible Belt". This person does not care about their plight or their future. This is evident in the cabinet selections he has made and the pretend "laws" he has tried to enact. The most unfortunate part is that whoever inherits this mess when it is over, is going to spend their first 4 years cleaning it up before they can tackle the issues that this alternative fact spewer promised he would take care of.

I can't remember a time (probably because I am so young) when the country was so divided, and violently divided with opinions about the leadership of this country. I can't remember a time when our fellow American felt so completely opposed to immigrants entering this country post WWII. I can't remember ever despising a leader of this country more than I despise this man (and I lived through George W. Bush) and the people that are so vehemently dedicated to his cause and bullshit. These are odd times my friends, and I hope with all my heart you find a way a through. There is a post with no attributed author on tips on how to "resist" the new president. You should Google that shit.

Until then, call me a fucking snowflake. That's fucking right, because you know what, there are no two identical snowflakes because just like us they all have assholes, I mean opinions. Fight the good fight my friends.