Merry Fucking Christmas 2015......The Year in Review

Sigh...another year. I always start out meaning to get more blog posts in and then well, life happens. You know that shit in between waking up and going to bed? Well, not necessarily shit, but you know what I mean. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But seriously, every year has ups and downs doesn't it? I guess the trick is to make the best of the good times and wade your way through the shit times and hope that you learned a lesson and not repeat them. I mean some of the shit you have no control over and other shit is pretty much your own fucking stupidity. I am always thankful for having great family and friends and try to tell them when I can. I always say that if you didn't laugh a little and cry a little you didn't live a little. There were many laughs, I am lucky enough to have a partner in life that makes me laugh until I pee my pants. Plus, my kids are pretty fucking hilarious whether they mean to be or not. There were tears as well some for joy but mostly for sadness. There was loss and struggle, but in the end we all came through okay.  And our friends, well let's say it's never a dull moment. I am not one of those flowery, let's all join hands and blah blah blah kind of people. I will say that I continue to strive for the non-commercialization of Christmas (see past blog posts entitled Merry Fucking Christmas 2014), but none of you fuckers ever listen to me. You only listen to social media and try and best each other by taking the "perfect" E-Christmas Card to post to your FB page, or the perfect selfie. The fact that that fucking word is in the dictionary, confirms my belief that people are stupid fucking assholes. Last year I listed what I wanted for Christmas, and as I reviewed the list, I realized I didn't get a single fucking thing I asked for. Some of it actually GOT WORSE...WTF?

That was my Merry Fucking Christmas rant. Now comes the year in review. And whoa Nellie what a fucking year it was. I mean for me personally, I feel like this year couldn't be done fast enough. It wasn't that it was necessarily a "bad" year per se, it was just a blah year. Not much happened to advance our lives in any significant way and I feel like we learned less. But that's what next year's are for, right?

But for the collective "us" (human beings) it was a fuck of a year.
Some crazy bitch in a backwards hillbilly town decided not to issue marriage certificates to gay people, because her religion doesn't condone it. Why do people have such a hard time remembering the separation of church and state? Is the concept that difficult? Not to mention, if your religion is teaching you to hate or not tolerate a certain group of people, you're fucking doing it wrong.

We have the absolute WORST crop of presidential candidates in the history of presidential candidates. A loud mouth fucking crazy person, a lying, cheating scandalous woman (I was being politically correct right there) and a guy so fucking liberal that I feel like if he could sign over my paycheck to welfare recipients it would happen. I would say get out there and vote, but fuck, it's going to be a tough one. Unless of course, you want to write in my name! :)

I won't even comment beyond this on the entertainment industry (I use the word entertainment very loosely here) some fucktards gave a fucking man who is still a fucking man, the woman of the year award. This man's family perpetrates whoring, lies and taking advantage of children for profit. While this sounds like the plot of a movie about a small country in Africa's dictator, it's real fucking life.
Disgusting.


I would love to tell you the next year is going to be better, but I can't. What I can tell you is that YOU can be better next year. Sounds corny and cliché, but if we all thought that way, what a place the world would be. To all of my friends and family I wish you a love filled holiday season and the most prosperous of New Year's. To everyone else, the same, but a little less love. (wink wink), I mean I don't know you that well.

Life (and Facebook) needs a Dislike button

If you're like me (we all have to have dreams) you come across a lot of stupid shit during the course of the day. A lot of stuff where you're like WTF was that? BUT....because we just had a visit from the Pope, everyone is all on their best behavior, no cursing, no judging, blah blah blah. Whatever, he seems like a chill papal dude, so I'm not going to worry about it. (I know this part about the Pope seemed really random, but I felt like if I didn't mention it, my Nona would come back from the grave and haunt me)
Anyhow, my point, yes I have one. I think that Facebook most certainly needs a Dislike button and even though they are too "politically correct" to give us what we fucking want, I think life needs a Dislike button. I mean, think about this. If you could carry around a method to express your displeasure with things, without really verbalizing it or seeming too "judgy" wouldn't that just make your fucking day? Come on, you know it would. It would be like a present day Gong Show, (and fuck you if you don't know what the Gong Show is/was) except with a Dislike button. I would be fine if the button didn't even make any noise, if it just kind of hovered over your head like those cartoon dialogue bubbles do. Like I said, no verbalizing your Dislike of the subject matter, but people will know where you stand.
There really is no down side to this, because even if you are for some stupid reason confronted by some fucking moron on your Dislike, you can just feign ignorance. "What is that you say? My Dislike button is on? You don't say? My Bad". See, it solves ALL of the world's problems. Really, all of them. You know exactly where everyone stands on things, you get to express yourself on EVERY subject possible should you so choose, AND, you can really be like your own little portable social network. I have put a lot of thought into this, and by a lot, I mean the car ride back from the supermarket by my house, and this could really be helpful in business situations as well. How many times have you been in a conference room and wondered what everyone is thinking during your presentation? With the Dislike button, you know and can just cut it short and make it a half work day. Time saver!
And imagine the entertainment industry with the Dislike button. If you thought TSwift's Twitter wars were epic, can you even imagine the feuds this puppy would cause? Tots McGots!!! 

I know you are probably wondering how it is I continue to come up with these socially aware, life changing and mostly EPIC concepts, and my only answer is, it's a gift. So instead of pasting that stupid shit disclaimer that doesn't mean SHIT....paste this instead. I feel like after he finishes with the Hypeloop, Elon Musk is going to have some free time. He can come up with something to make this work.
And Mark Zuckerberg this is what I think of your new stupid buttons: DISLIKE

Tim Tebow shouldn't be in the NFL

I know what you're thinking, yes I do. Let me very loudly and proudly proclaim that I HEART Tim Tebow. I am not a Tim Tebow hater, never have been, never will be. I was fan number 1 from the first moment that Urban Meyer put him in as a back up to Chris Leak (bet you don't even know who that is). I was in love as soon as I heard he was home schooled by his ultra religious parents. I was in love because he was different. He wasn't raised with that kill or be killed mentality. He was genuinely a good kid.

For those of you who aren't sports enthusiasts or big football fans, let me just say that Tim Tebow's college career was the equivalent of winning the Lottery and then managing to keep ALL of the money you won and make even more. A Heisman trophy, 2 national championships and he managed to stay scandal free during the whole time. Not arrested for theft, or rape, heck he even went to class and graduated with his degree, in four years. Pretty impressive for a super star in college. While I will not argue his athletic prowess with people, because I feel that they can't remain objective, and honestly, neither can I. I will say that his passing mechanics could use some work, but for crying out loud the kid was benching like 300 lbs in college, you can't tell me it's his arm strength. I could go on and on about how just based on size, strength, weight and intelligence he is really a perfect athlete. But, his athletic abilities (or lack thereof) have nothing to do with why he shouldn't be in the NFL.

Tim Tebow doesn't belong in the NFL for some very fundamental reasons. The first and foremost being he is a good person. I know, you're going to say that there are other good people in the NFL, but none of them are super stars. Trust me. Tim Tebow puts his religious values in your face by "Tebowing" in the end zone. They made a "Tebow rule" stating that you couldn't write anything on your face paint anymore. In a day and age where the public LOVES to place their heroes on a pedestal only to watch them fall far and fast, Tim Tebow isn't going to fall. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that he is the perfect person, because he's not. But he continually displays professionalism, ethics and an all around good attitude no matter what cards he is dealt. In a time where the NFL is the one of the largest professional organizations with the most felons per capita Tim Tebow is still tithing a portion of his salary to his church. The recent allegations against people like Ray Rice are only coming to light in the day and age when anyone with a cell phone can capture video evidence of wrong doings. This has been going on for years, and only now is the public focused on it.

Look, don't take away that I'm saying that everyone in the NFL is a drug user, a cheater, a rapist, a murderer or a domestic violence offender. I am saying that Tim Tebow is too good for the NFL. The NFL would be a stain on his reputation. When you ask people why they "hate" Tim Tebow, they come up with the most asinine responses in the world. From, I don't like the way he looks, to he just sucks. Real original. The NFL isn't ready for a player/person like Tim Tebow. I am not saying that he was let go because of that, but think about this, if he really has mechanics issues or he just needs some "tweaking" of his throwing motion, why aren't more teams willing to invest in him and get those things fixed? Why? Because he can only draw so many people into the stadium with his "can do" attitude. After that, it's about the deflate gates, the domestic violence issues, the "come back player" of the year (which is sometimes coming back from drug abuse...ridiculous) the waiting to see if that guy can be just as good as he was before and if not, have my bat ready to knock him down a few notches. Whether you want to believe it or not, Americans LOVE to see people fail. It makes them feel better about themselves, sad but true story.

So, while I am disappointed as a fan that I probably won't get to see Tim Tebow take another NFL snap, I am hopeful that he will rise to his full potential in whatever field he chooses next. Whether that be commentating, a business venture, coaching, or whatever. So you can keep on watching those cheaters in the Northeast, those "bad boys" out West, I will continue to root for Tim Tebow in whatever he does, wherever he chooses to do it. I HEART Tim Tebow!!!

I identify as a human being......

Ugh... here they go again. "They" are making me write a serious post instead of fucking around like I loovvveee to do! Fuckers. Unless you've been living under a rock there have been some seriously fucked up things going on in the world. And no I'm not talking about the attention whores, I am talking about serious shit. The Pope, the fucking Pope (forgive me Catholic nut jobs) said we better stop fucking around or the Earth is going to fucking DIE. The city of Los Angeles inexplicably decided to pay people who work at jobs that aren't meant to support a family of 5, $15 per hour. The TSA sucks at their fucking jobs. Some fucktards announced they were running for President. The fucking FBI is spying on you from planes disguised as commercial airlines and oh yeah, the fucking Patriot Act expired and the government sneakily passed some this that makes the Patriot look like your 6 year-old wrote it. I could go on, but I think you are getting the point, at least I hope you are.

The bottom line here is this, our society is probably more fucked up than it has been in the last 152 years, seriously. The American public (I can't necessarily leave out the rest of the world, but they aren't as guilty as we are, trust me) was summarily distracted from some significant goings on by some irrelevant former Olympic athlete who was married to the mother of the biggest family of attention whores on the planet who won a gold medal in 19 fucking 76. WTF? 1976 and did you know he lost the first fucking time he competed in 1972, didn't even medal. However I digress, who the fuck decided that anyone on the fucking planet needed to know about how this person decided to live their life? I know I don't give two fucks about him/her. I know a few people who are transgender and they decided to keep it EXTREMELY personal, not because they were ashamed but because it's nobody else's fucking business how they live their lives. I am sorry people, but I don't find Androgynous Bruce/Caitlyn to be brave at all. I find this person to be a shameful attention whore. If you're so dedicated to a cause, donate time, donate money, don't fucking do a fucking Barbara Walters special about it. Fuck you and your fucking family, you're all a bunch of pandering, self-obsessed, attentions whores. I identify as someone who has decided that this is the last time I will mention this unbelievable shit and now refuse to watch Barbara Walters or buy a copy of Vanity Fair EVER (Not that I did either thing before...but you get my point).

For the second greatest distraction of the last couple of days...that fucking idiot in the Pacific Northwest (why is it a region and not a specific state??) Seriously, again, who the fuck cares about which ethnic identity this person decides to "identify with". Did she bilk any other people out of money because she claimed she was African-American when she wasn't? Did she kill anyone and blame it on black people? Before today did anyone even fucking give a flying fuck what this woman did, where she worked or what causes she supported? At least she wasn't fucking killing people, torturing people (by the way, while you were distracted with all this shit the CIA was accused AGAIN of torturing people in Guantanamo...pretty convenient how these stories keep popping up, huh?) Look, obviously this woman has some psychological issues, but who doesn't? If we interviewed all of your family members or co-workers I bet there'd be a fucking front page story in People magazine about what a sick fuck you are.

If you know me or have read my blog, you know I don't like excuses. I don't like people not taking responsibility for their actions or for who they are. This fucking new phrase "I identify with..." is the next bullshit excuse for people to start doing some fucked up shit. If you buy into it, if you pay attention to it, if you discuss it, you are part of the epidemic. I am deeply offended as a person when people are choosing to identify these people as heroes or villains. Come on, wake the fuck up. Heroes save peoples lives, heroes go in when everyone else is running out, heroes identify as fucking heroes, period. Villains kill people, villains hurt people and children, villains identify as villains. If we don't learn to start identifying and recognizing the real shit instead of the bullshit we are doomed to live our lives in a comic book, and not one with a happy ending.

I identify as a woman, a wife, a mother and as a fucking human being. How about you?

Things that piss me the f%@# off.......

I know what you're thinking. If you have known me for more than 5 minutes, you're expecting the longest list you will ever read in your life...aaannndd...you're probably right. BUT...before you sign and groan and settle in for a long blog post...take note, just kidding, it's going to be a long fucking list!!!  :)  Everyone has those things that just irk the shit out of us and even though my significant other begs and pleads with me to "just let it go" I can't help it. It's like everyone else learned the right way to do things (and of course by right way, I mean my way) why can't this fucktard right here do the same? I have a whole post about how it's not really judging people and more of making observations of things you observe and if they happen to lead you to make a comment such as "look at that asshole right there", again I contend observation, not judgment. Without further ado ( and yes in an homage to the great David Letterman) my Top Ten things (actually I don't have time or space to write ten, but we can both forgive me) of things that piss me the fuck off. But remember, these are just the top for today.... they are ever changing my friends, ever changing.

It really fucking pisses me off to see stupid people in action. I know that sounds broad and general, but I am at a loss of any other way to describe it. I feel like the balance of power between smart and dumb somehow dramatically shifted in the last couple of decades and that people are either really that fucking stupid or that fucking lazy or a combo of both. Case in point, the Kim Trashdashian (I refuse to give her any real credit) new "coffee table" book came out and it was the #1 pre-order on Amazon. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Is someone starting a new book burning campaign and they wanted to start with the most irrelevant piece of shit ever, please tell me that's the reason. WTF could this attention whore have to possibly offer except for selfies (photoshopped I am sure) and pictures of her piece of shit husband? Ugh, if this is the role model for our teens, we are fucked royally. But a perfect example of stupidity in action....

It really fucking pisses me off that people are so blinded by the media that they don't pay attention to the things that really matter. This really goes hand in hand with the item above, but I mean when we live in a society that is devoting 100% media coverage to something as FUCKING STUPID as "deflategate" do you really have to wonder why the rest of the fucking world hates us? I mean during that week the important news actually was that 6 officers were indicted in the murder (that's right and if you don't like it FUCK YOU) of Freddie Gray. I am sure there were other tragedies and other more important issues as well, like Hillary announcing her candidacy, and while you may not like or support her, at least there's a role model who doesn't have a sex tape, take off her clothes or post selfies like a fucking attention whore that girls can look up to. All I am saying is that if the next generation continues to blindly follow whatever shit is shoveled down their throat, we are in for a sad future my friends.

It really fucking pisses me off that people are willing to donate money to a pizza place who refuses service to people based on their sexual orientation. If you know me you may have the impression that I am somewhat outspoken on the issue of sexuality. Whatever your beliefs, they are yours and I can respect them, to a certain degree. What pisses me the fuck off is that these same hypocrites stand behind the veil of the bible (written a billion fucking years ago) and religion (made up shit by another HUMAN PERSON) to justify their repugnant behavior. This is unacceptable. Stop and think you ignorant mother fuckers. If your child or your sister or anyone close to you comes out as gay are you automatically going to discount the years of love you've had because of how they choose to have sex? Because basically that's what it comes down to. Gay, lesbian, transgender, whatever, they don't love any differently than heterosexuals. It's all the same love. No freedom until we're equal, damn right I support it.

It really fucking pisses me off that Ginger Ale is not an option at most soda dispensers. It's like you only find that shit at liquor stores now a days. Explain this to me, who the fuck puts ginger ale in any kind of mother fucking alcoholic drink? Who, tell me now! This item may seem trivial in light of the other items I've listed above, but it's a serious issue for me. I like no caffeine if I'm going to drink a carbonated beverage and I also love Ginger Ale (as you can tell by my constant capitalization of the words). But seriously, when did Ginger Ale get such a bad rap that it can't even get in on the action but Fanta can? WTF? That shit is likely carbonated Kool-Aid. I'm thinking of starting a petition, so let me now if you're interested.

It really fucking pisses me off that there are so many god damn fucking Marvel movies. I mean seriously, I know it's called Marvel Universe, but how many of these mother fuckers can there really be? I mean, understand that my significant other is a Marvel fan like no other and I get dragged to every single movie. Some of them are entertaining, but come on, when Paul Rudd is being tapped for a superhero role (albeit it Antman) I mean we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now. And no offense to Paul Rudd he's a funny guy and all, but come on... a super fucking hero? Get the fuck out of here. I mean how much money does that old fucker Stan Lee really need? I mean isn't he like 152 years old by now? And don't even get me started on the reboots, retakes, redos or whatever the fuck they call them. Not that DC is any better (I mean they fucking have Ben Affleck as Batman for Christ sake) but at least it doesn't seem like they are flooding the market. But considering Marvel is owned by the second most evil corporation on the planet (Disney) it kind of makes sense I guess. Next reboot.....Tom Brady and his wife starring in Captain Deflateable Balls and the woman who loves him anyway! 

It really fucking pisses me off that they continue those fucking the most interesting man in the world commercials. That mother fucking dude hasn't been interesting in like two years. At first, they were really good, but now. FUUCCKKK, I heard one the other day about the most interesting man in the world and a piñata. A fucking piñata? Are you kidding me? I mean kudos Dos Equis for coming up with this generation's version of Spuds McKenzie (if you don't know who that is, go fuck yourself) or the Wassup guys, but now, it's time to retire that shit. I mean the dude in the commercial is at his retirement age now anyways. Let him just move on to Viagra commercials or AARP shit. It's time. I don't always hate beer commercials, but when I do, it's because they ARE FUCKING STUPID NOW!!!

Hope you enjoyed the list, if not, fuck you. :)

This is what ails me.....

So, my mantra for this new year (I know it's already March, but think of it this way, anything you own that's only 3 months old is technically still new) was to complain less, love more and just relax, you know, don't sweat the small stuff. I have tried and tried and believe me, it's gone okay so far. BUT, then I get on this thing we call the internet and go on social media and it all goes to shit. I mean, I have not encountered so many passive aggressive, lazy, narcissistic, mother fuckers in my entire life. From posting selfies to picking up the new cause celebre, these fucking people just make me sick, or they are in fact what ails me. While I strive to set a good example for my demon spawn and my bonus child (google that shit, it exists) I'm not perfect. I drop the F bomb occasionally, I pass judgement every once in a while, but at the end of the day, I'd like to think that these little shits have learned some good from me as well. That's why, I know you think these people are "heroes", "do-gooders", humanitarians, or any other misnomer for an attention whore who happens do purport to do good deeds. Here's the problem with that, if in fact you are truly giving to give, there is no thanks required. If you are truly promoting a cause, you shine the light on the cause, not on yourself. If you see an injustice and seek to right it, you crusade, you don't FB post. I am sick and tired of seeing pictures of children from war torn nations going "viral" and having 11 million comments and none of them SAY A FUCKING THING. Yes, it's human nature to feel sorry for them, you'd be a fucking douche bag if you didn't but what are any of those people actually DOING for that kid? Post the picture, write your socially aware comment and move on to the next. What the fuck just happened there? People point to the millennials as the generation of do nothings, where do you think they learned that behavior? I am tired of watching people "share" photos or articles in the effort to make themselves seem somewhat socially aware and by virtue of a couple of keystrokes, social activists. Sitting behind a fucking computer screen typing, does not a social activist make. Unless you are typing letters to Congress to get shit changed. Unless you are typing emails to your local volunteer organization to ask when they need help next, unless you are fucking typing in the password to your bank account or credit card to donate to a cause you are a not social activist you are a fucking lemming hypocrite. All of those people that took that fucking ice bucket challenge, how many of them actually donated? All of those fucking celebrity hashtags that everyone follows, how many kids did they stop from getting bullied or being alone? I admit, there are some campaigns where social media has most definitely assisted in getting a cause off the ground where in pre-social media days, that might not have been the case. But in the end the reason for that is because someone took ACTION. Not just a picture, ACTION. As I stated in the beginning, I am not perfect. I could volunteer more, be more of a social activist in my own right but at least if I am outraged by something I take ACTION. You may not see the angry letter or see the money coming out of the bank account but trust me it happens. And right about now you mother fuckers are calling me out in your head saying, hey fucker, what if the people that share the photo or write the comments are doing the same thing but just not advertising it, and you're absolutely right, they might be. But considering the sad state of affairs that most shit is still in, I doubt it. So if you are in fact a true social activist (and your cause most definitely doesn't need to be posted anywhere on social media to qualify) then I applaud you and if you need support, give this chick a holla! But if this post just stop and made you think, well then good fucking for you, because you should be thinking. You should be thinking that your little world may be affected one day and wouldn't it be nice if instead of just sharing your woes on social media people actually got off their ass and helped? 

Here are some organizations that actually do need some activism in their lives:

http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/

https://www.habitat.org/

https://www.amnesty.org/en/

http://support.angelfood.org/

http://nothingbutnets.net/

I need to lose the baby weight......

So what if my baby is 18 YEARS OLD. And what? The weight that I've gained over the past 18 years is most definitely related to that baby, believe me. I love it when I hear women say that. They need to lose the baby weight. Do you think they really believe that? I mean how many people were actually in shape, at their ideal weight when they got pregnant? I mean for some of you, that may actually be the reason you got pregnant in the first place, but doubtful. Anyhow, why is there so much pressure on women to attain this ideal weight? WTF is the ideal weight anyway? I mean doesn't it depend on your body type, your height, and various other factors? So who the fuck is any of these fashion or so-called fitness magazines to tell me how much I should weigh? Fuck them. Sometimes I feel like being a little heavier and sometimes my vanity gets the best of me and I work out like a mad woman. It's none of anyone's fucking business except mine and my clothes that have to hold on for dear life when I'm in a mood and won't buy a bigger size. That's right, fuck you, I don't like to buy bigger sized clothes. Look, I am no Gloria Steinam or anything, but fuck why are women so harsh and critical of other women, especially when it comes to weight? How many people look at the baby daddy and say, "dude, you've put on some baby weight?" No, they proudly display a beer gut. Like beer is more important than carrying their child. Fuck that. Here's an observation that I've made. Male comedians become a lot LESS funny after they've had kids. How about that? How come nobody is writing articles about that or trying to come with a "plan" to make them funnier? Chris Rock, Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler and a few others. Fuck them, until they lose the "unfunny baby shit" I'm not watching any of their shit. I can't even stand that Kardashian whore, but fuck, people were all over her shit about being fat like two weeks after she had that baby. Fuck you. You have a baby and get back into your same clothes. And those stupid women on Instagram who are posting pics of their "post baby" body that looks the same as before, fuck them too. Take care of your fucking baby and stop being so god damn vain. I mean don't get me wrong, obesity is an epidemic in this country, that is true, however after having a child, no matter how old your child is, your life changes. Your diet changes, your lifestyle changes and sure as fuck your body changes. Big fucking deal. You think your Mom wanted to have her boobs sag down to her knee caps by the time she was 50 just to feed and nourish you for the first part of your life? FUUCCKK NO she didn't. But she did. And fuck you for telling her to lose the baby weight. Are you happy? Are you wearing the clothes you want to? Are you healthy? Then fuck those mother fuckers who think you need to lose the baby weight. Women were not meant to look like 12 year old little boys and if your man thinks so, there's this hot new trend he should try, it's called HOMOSEXUALITY. Call up Bruce Jenner and he'll explain that shit to you. (Yeah, I said it, so what?) Look, at the end of the day, you need to be happy with you and you need to make sure you live a long time to take care of that little bank account draining, snot dripping, poop machine of a baby you gained all of that weight for to begin with. Wear your stretch marks or C-section scars like badges of honor bitches!!! So the next time you see a postpartum woman (that means someone who just had a baby, by the way) tell her how amazing her hair looks, how she is absolutely glowing or how great of a job she's doing with her baby. But keep your fucking mouth shut about her "baby weight" unless you want a foot shoved up your ass! Support your fellow females Moms and non-Moms!!! (Unless she is a bitch, then.....J/K...maybe) And if you had a baby in the last 40 years, don't worry about it you don't need lose the baby weight, the baby will keep coming back and asking to take more and more of your ass anyway!