REAL LIFE......

Unfortunately another moment of brevity is required here in my small space of humor. Considering events of the past couple of weeks, I have been moved to speak my mind. Shocking as that may be, it must be done. I cannot even imagine the horror and sorrow the people in Aurora, Colorado are feeling at this moment. I can't pretend to understand it and I can't pretend to know what it feels like. What I did do, was listen to Barack Obama (fuck your political beliefs at this time people) recount a story that moved me to tears. The story was about two best friends, 19 years old and 21 years old who went to see a movie on a Friday night. The story ends with one friend helping another friend during what I can only imagine to be the most horrifying experience of their lives, survive. Both of them survived. And while this story had a happy ending, the only thing that ran through my mind was my son is 20 and my daughter is 18. It could have been them. I won't go into my feelings on guns in America, or what makes crazy and deranged people do the things they do. I will however say the following: What the FUCK is wrong with America? Do you know how many times I have heard people say that they felt sorry for Christopher Nolan and the cast of Batman? How sad it is that their movie will be forever tainted with this tragedy? Are you fucking kidding me? Who the fuck cares about the overpaid pieces of shit who made yet ANOTHER useless fucking movie about a comic book? Yes, I went to see the movie and regardless of what I thought about it, I sure as fuck do not feel sorry for one single person associated with the making of this movie. They do not need your sympathy. They will take your money that you spent at the box office and be just fine thank you very much. While I realize in no way are the actions of a lunatic the fault of the movie or in any way are the people that made the movie to blame, but come on. It's sad that this movie will forever have a stigma attached? How about the sadness of the parents of the six year old little girl that is dead? Let's get it right America, for once. Fuck the media and the callous pieces of shit that didn't even bother to post the names of the victims, but sure as fuck made sure their reviews of the movie were posted on time. It makes me sad to think that in today's time the public is still so enamored with Hollywood that the souls of real life people are easily forgotten and discarded. And the arrogance of Americans to act as if they are the only country where tragedy strikes.

But why should I be surprised when I awoke another morning to hear the country breathlessly awaiting the punishment that would befall Penn State. Again, what a tragedy that is for the university. A tragedy? Really? The tragedy is that the victims of this crime have to LIVE with what was done to them for the rest of their lives. The tragedy is that Americans paid more attention to the punishment that was handed down that morning than they did to the outcome of the trial for the CONVICTED child molester that perpetrated these heinous crimes. Who the fuck cares about the statue of an old man who coached football. He didn't fucking cure cancer, he didn't save lives and sure as fuck didn't help children. Football is a game. It is not a life saving technique taught to young men in college. Just because you haven't figured out how to generate any other income aside from what the ridiculous TV networks pay you to air these games does not mean participants are above reproach. If your institution is really about learning, learn another way to earn income aside from football. I don't feel sorry for you Penn State. I feel sorry for the victims of the crimes that trusted you to protect them. I feel sorry for the parents of the children that have to find a way to help their children cope with this tragedy for the rest of their lives. What I feel for Penn State and the media is pity and contempt. I pity their stupidity, their lack of human decency and I pity their plain just fucking ignorance of the problems that exist and their inability to be part of the solution.

These are only two examples of what is wrong with people today, with what is lacking from our social consciousness

 It's a sad day to call myself an American when the top headlines are still how much money Batman made and what punishment was doled out by the NCAA for the pieces of shit at Penn State. 

These are a few of my favorite things....NOT!!!

I know it may be hard to believe, but from time to time, I like to bitch! Just for the heck of it. Maybe it's because it was Friday the 13th or maybe it's because it's so fucking hot. Or maybe it's just BECAUSE! If you don't want to hear any "negative" right now, then keep it moving...this is MY time and I am going to be as bitchy and negative as I want! 


My name is Jennifer. It is not Jen, Jenny, J or any version thereof. I do not introduce myself as anything other than Jennifer. I have known you for five seconds, don't be so fucking lazy, use my entire name the way my Momma and Daddy intended!
Just because you may know people that I know does NOT mean we are besties. I don't know you. Don't lean over and whisper shit in my ear. Don't share intimate details of your life with me. If I want to know, I will ask. It's probably because I just don't give a fuck.
Why oh why Californians, specifically (not pacifically) Angelenos, do you slam on your brakes for one fucking rain drop? It's not a tornado, it's not a tsunami, it's a fucking rain drop. Where I am from, rain drops are the size of grapefruits. This is the time to PULL THE FUCK OVER and wait for the storm to pass, not slam on your brakes.
If I don't call you back the first time, it's probably for one of two reasons, I forgot because you are NOT related to me or I am not sleeping with you OR I just don't like you. Get over it. Don't keep calling or mad dialing me to see if I will pick up, I won't. Truth be told, I prefer texting anyways!
If I didn't ask how you are, don't tell me. I don't give a fuck.
It is NEVER okay for you to assume that I will agree with you. Even if you are related to me, do NOT represent me with your opinion. Ask me first.
Please, please, please for the sake of mankind and the universe. TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILD/REN! It is not any one's job but your own to discipline, raise or even like your kid. People have kids of their own to mess up, thank you very much.
If you are the "ex" KNOW YOUR ROLE. Know that you are no longer the woman/man of the house where your ex lives. Know that you are the ex for a reason. Know that no matter how you may feel about your ex's new person, it's NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
I am just going to come and say this. If you are over the age of 18 you should NOT be reading the Twilight sagas. You should NOT be watching those movies. You should NOT be listening to Justin Bieber music or Selena Gomez music. Katy Perry is borderline. *There is an exemption for people that have children that fall into the appropriate age category
It is NEVER okay for you to ask me if you can touch me in any way shape or form if I don't know you. You cannot touch my hair, you cannot pull my hair. This is not negotiable. 
It is not okay for you to comment on the color or the length of my hair. If I wanted your opinion I would ask for it. I didn't, so I don't, so keep your comments to yourself. 
I know it may seem like it, due to my overwhelming intelligence and sensitive and kind nature, however I am not a therapist. If I just met you on an airplane, do NOT tell me all of your problems. I cannot solve them. 
And for all that is sacred in the universe, stop taking casual Fridays to a whole new level. We are still at work for pete's sake. Put some fucking clothes on. I don't want to see your daisy dukes or your beer gut. The shirt you wore during your college years is NOT WORK APPROPRIATE! And for fuck's sake, you're a grown ass woman, stop wearing Juicy across your ass to work, not OKAY! 
And for fuck's sake, if you don't know what you want to order at a food truck GET THE FUCK OUT OF LINE! 


Do you feel better? I know I do. You should all try this exercise at least once a month. Get the "bitchies" out!! 

Thank you Anderson Cooper

Astonishingly my sense of humor does pause for a moment in order for me to be a serious member of society and not so much of a smart ass. While these times may not be the most fun (there is no such word as funnest, dumb asses!) they do allow me a moment of brevity to reflect on things I hold near and dear to my heart. 

So, my letter to Anderson Cooper. 

Dear Anderson Cooper, 

I think you are the hottest man I have ever seen in my life, oh wait, different letter.... 

Dear Anderson Cooper, 

Thank you for being so open and honest with a public that doesn't deserve it. Thank you for having the courage to be heard without making a scene out of it, a fool of yourself or embarrassing your friends and loved ones by getting caught in some "scandal" that  forces you to make admissions you didn't want to or weren't ready to. Thank you for being an openly gay man without wearing a rainbow flag. Thank you for reminding this oft judgmental society of ours that there is such thing as class and dignity in the field of journalism regardless of ethnic background, gender or sexual preference. Thank you for sending an email to a friend that was so casually written yet elegantly crafted, that it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for reminding all of the right wing fanatics, religious zealots and down right ignorant folk that homosexuality is not a disease, a handicap or a "scarlet letter" for society to publicly ridicule. Thank you for putting a face on homosexuality that doesn't come with an agenda. Let's face it you probably have more money than Bill Gates (just kidding Bill) and don't really give a shit whether or not people like you. Thank you for years of unbiased reporting and enduring what probably surmounted to hours of gay bashing bullshit that you didn't have to endure. Thank you for acknowledging the struggle that homosexuals in our society face on a daily basis and not belittling their cause. Thank you for sharing a brief glimpse into your personal life only to make you more human and lovable than you already are. Thank you for educating people into the fact that your choice to remain silent had personal and professional reasons behind it and that not everyone is in the same place as you are to make those types of choices and doing it without judgement. Thank you for acknowledging that without a voice like yours that is willing to be heard and counted, change would not only be delayed but even more difficult a path than it already is. Thank you for telling the world what a wonderful thing love is for EVERYONE. Gay, straight or whatever, it doesn't matter, we are all human beings with a basic desire to love and be loved. Thank you Anderson Cooper for being a man with honor, dignity, pride, class, and compassion that I am proud to have had the privilege of being witness to a brilliant career.  And last but not least, thanks for being the hottest man EVER to report the news. Makes it so much more interesting. ;0) 

And to the rest of my friends (who I count many) who happen to be gay, whether openly or not, I am proud to call you Friend. Not gay friend, homosexual friend or anything other than Friend! Love you all! 

SH** people say....Alternatively titled...WTF?

Do you ever hear stupid sayings that people say and wonder why the fuck they say them? We all speak in idioms and colloquialisms (big word, huh?) without having any idea of their origins or how they came to be or why people decided to start using them in the first place. For example, if you are having second thoughts about something, you are said to have cold feet. What makes me laugh like a hyena is that when I tried to google that shit to see why people say it, nobody fucking knows! So we are all going around like a bunch of assholes saying we got cold feet and it really doesn't mean a fucking thing. It's just like people who use the word irregardless. It means the same fucking thing as regardless. Why did one day some jackass decide to put two extra letters in front of it? You know it was probably some dude trying to impress a chick. (see prior blog....Men are "Special"). There are words and phrases that seem to be identified based on different ethnic groups and different regions of the country as well. Since when does anyone "Aks" you a question? Pretty sure we ask. And you are trying to be SPECIFIC, not Pacific. That's an ocean not a request. If you want a carbonated beverage generally referred to as soda everywhere else, in the midwest, it's pop. Why pop? I don't know, because corn farmers have nothing to do all day but listen to the pop it makes when they open the can? Why is it that people from the south make contractions out of everything? Y'all, ain't, I'ma  and the list goes on. I mean I know it's generally hot and tiresome in the South, but come on, you don't have to be that lazy. Why do white people assume that just by adding a vowel to the end of a word, it automatically becomes Spanish? Yes, while there are words that end in vowels in Spanish, bringo meo thato, are not any of them. And on a side note, why do people speak louder and more slowly when people don't understand the language they are speaking. They don't fucking understand, saying it like a loud, mentally challenged person, does not a translation make. And on the subject of latin people, why do they add an E to the beginning of every word that starts with an S? ESteve, estop, esit. These are not English words. And while I may now be showing my age...tsk tsk. I have to say that I don't understand half the shit that comes out of people under the age of 21 mouths anymore. What the fuck are all these acronyms? OMG, WTF, ROTFL, LMFAO. We have seriously raised a bunch of lazy fucking kids. They can't even speak in complete sentences anymore. And don't even get me started on their spelling skills. U is not the correct spelling of You. R is not the correct spelling of are. And what are these other words and phrases. That shit cray. Is that crazy? Is that a mixed gray color? Are you doing arts and crafts? What the fuck are you trying to say? I suppose my parents could have said the same thing. But at least I spoke comprehensible English. The bottom line is that in today's day and age I am still shocked by some of the shit that comes out of peoples mouths. At the end of the day, I just want communication to be clear and concise.  Is that too much to ask? I don't want you to "analogize" your experience, say it a different language, shorten a word or phrase or try and make it cool. Say what the fuck you need to say and keep it moving. Amen!