Well, let's start off in the beginning. First off, when you're born a girl, half the population automatically hates you, and they (and you) don't even know why. As much as it pains me to admit it, women are genetically predisposed to not like other women. I don't know if it's the so called Queen Bee syndrome (only one ruler of this hive) or the fact that it's a bitch eat bitch world out there and anything you can do to reduce the competition, well hey. So there's that..being born despised.
From there it's pretty much the same shit throughout elementary, junior high and high school. All the girls (future women) hating you, competing with you and overall just fucking up your life. I know it sounds bleak right? Well, it kind of is. But I am jumping a bit ahead. I don't want to forget the most awesome part about becoming the woman that we all want to be. You're minding your own business one day and then BAM. Like a fucking gut check punch, you start gushing blood out of your female parts for no reason. Well, there's a reason, but it's a stupid one. And now every month you have a wonderful stabbing sensation in your uterus and if you're really lucky you get the matching migraine accessory to go with it! So now, you've got bitches hating you, competing with you AND your own body fucking up your shit. Not a pretty story.
So you get through high school... finally. And yeah, sure, there are a few "sisters" that you make along the way, promoting you, supporting you, listening to your crazy rants about how asinine the whole high school pop culture life is and about how Johnny Utah should have asked you to the prom instead of Suzie the high school slut. So, you make it to college. And you're expected to be smart, but not too smart. Sexy, but not too sexy. And find yourself, but just act like a lady while you do it. If you're going to have your girl on girl experimentation, for God's sake don't fucking videotape it. (I've heard that's bad). And then there's this sex thing. I mean, most girls have probably had sex before college, but I decided to put this part here because it's my fucking blog and I can do whatever I want. So, you finally have that "magical"moment and you know what you realize? That even if you're fucking the Tiny Tim of all dicks out there it FUCKING HURTS. There's no amount of love or lube that can take the pain of the first time away. And if you say it didn't hurt, you didn't do it right. You eventually hit your stride, get over the pain and figure out a way to orgasm, because Lord knows that 90% of the time, your partner sure won't figure that shit out for you. And then you discover the wonderful world of yeast infections, kidney infections and my all time favorite bacterial infections. (I am assuming that you're all not that big of a bunch of whores and I am not commenting on the fun world of STD's from a woman's point of view) Basically any time you get an infection "down there" they should just call it crotch rot. Because let me fucking tell you, that's what it feels like and that's sure as fuck what it smells like. Am I right ladies? So hopefully by the time you're 50 and about to hit menopause, you figure that shit out.
Now the real fun begins. You graduate and you think you're the hottest thing since Prince changed his name to a non verbalized word. You go out into the job market, ready to change the world and guess what? Ain't that a bitch. No matter how great you were in school you are ALWAYS going to make LESS than a man. ALWAYS. Don't fucking comment on this blog and point out the like two fucking chicks that make more for the same job. Don't do it. That's the truth. Tits and ass only get you so far and then, well without the penis, you're just second banana sister. But, despite that you work your ass off. At work and at the gym because of course as a woman, you are expected to live up to the extremely non realistic body images of fashion models, porn whores and actresses. All of whom have professional make up artists, dietitians, personal trainers and of course their best friend in the WORLD....Photoshop. So, you eat like a fucking bird, and train like an Olympic athlete all for what? Self esteem? Pride? Health? FUCK NO. You do it for two fucking reasons. To get a man. (or woman) And to be able to make sure that you look better than all the other bitches out there. True story. Sure, sure, Cosmo has preached self empowerment and blah blah blah, but at the end of the day, those are your two reasons, period.
So life is going by and of course if you're not married by the time your 21, you're a fucking loser old maid. So you buy into the societal bullshit of this marriage idea and find the perfect man. Charming, handsome, sensitive, ambitious, etc. and you tie the knot. And of course, you live happily ever after, right? FUCK NO. Now, you better start popping out some fucking kids. Because of course, EVERYONE knows that ALL women want to have kids, right? I mean what kind of fucked up bitch are you that doesn't want a snot machine, poop making, bank account draining bundle of joy? You must have been an abused child. WTF? Then you give in and have these 2.1 kids that you raise and that leave your body as a natural disaster zone. And just like the first time you had sex, guess what? THAT SHIT FUCKING HURTS. These little fuckers will tear you a new asshole, literally. They take away your patience, your life and your sanity, but you love them all the same. (Most of the time) And now what? You want to stay home and raise them, right? Because isn't it the lifetime dream of all women to be a "stay at home Mom"? FUCK NO it is not. But you attempt to live up to the unrealistic expectation of being the next June Cleaver and then the kids go off to school and grow up and then what? Then you are back where you started. Finding yourself. I mean every woman always wants to be known as so and so's Mom, right? Of course they fucking don't. OR if you're not one of the lucky ones and you actually have to hold down a job while raising these kids, you are guilted into a lifetime of "absent Mom syndrome". I mean how dare you miss a girl scout meeting or soccer game. Can't you balance working, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, planning birthday parties, driving the carpool, being the team Mom, the night time prostitute for Daddy and of course, let's not forget the accountant, part time nurse/doctor, and therapist? And let's not forget all of the support you WILL NEVER receive from all of the other Mom's out there. Judging you, asking if little Susie even has a Mom because we've never seen her. Sigh, that's right, you've never seen her because she's actually joined the work force and not invented another way to make macaroni stick to a piece of fucking construction paper...groundbreaking shit.
And then when all the kids are raised, all the money made and the house is quiet and ready for the pitter patter of OTHER people's kids, aka: grand kids, your life winds down and you get to relax and enjoy every moment right? FUCK NO you don't. Because life is just that fair. Nope, you are going to go through the most horrific change of life and fuck your shit up body changing event EVER in the history of human kind. Welcome to fucking Menopause. I mean if men had to go through this shit they would have found a cure a fucking lifetime ago, but nope. Cold sweats, hot flashes, cramps, phantom pain, migraines, hormonal imbalances, and that's just the morning. Let's just say there is such thing as justifiable homicide.
I know, it sounds so terrible to be a woman. It does. And I admit the above examples are mostly negative, but it doesn't make them any less true. However, I do have a soft side (don't spread that around). I wouldn't change being a woman for anything. I love my body, I love my kids and believe it or not, I actually love my fellow woman. I love that my body is constantly changing for good and bad because it forces me to realize how precious life is. I love that my kids have sucked every dime out of my bank account because they've repaid it a thousand times with all of the joy and love they've given me everyday they've been on the planet. And I didn't even mind the pain... years later. I love that I have a sense of self worth contributing at work and that if I so chose, I would have had that same sense of self worth raising a group of kids into great adults. And even though I earned less than a man, I didn't lose the lesson of a having a good work ethic or the value of earning a living. I don't necessarily love that I wasn't always there for my kids because I was working, but I do love that it taught them to be self reliant and appreciate the time we did have together.
So fuck those penises and their higher wages. I'm keeping my vagina and ruling the world!
Love my bitches!!!!
