I have taken the liberty of decoding some of the more popular resolutions and what they REALLY mean and WHY people really made them.
* I am going to live healthier and exercise more.
What this really means: I am going to join a gym which will suck my bank account dry from now until eternity, check in at the gym a couple times on Facebook to fool people into thinking that I am actually getting myself in shape. I am going to try the newest "fad" diet or cleanse and then give up as soon as someone offers me anything with sugar in it.
Why I made this resolution: Because I am overweight and lazy. And next year and the year after that I will make the same resolution and will never lose weight. *I may lose weight with the existence of an upcoming important social event, but will gain it all back shortly thereafter.
* I am going to be financially prudent with my money and save more money.
What this really means: I am in debt to my eyeballs.
Why I made this resolution: To give people the illusion that I care about being fiscally prudent. And because the other day at Nordstroms they actually cut up more than one of my credit cards.
* I am going to spend more time with my friends.
What this really means: I have been blissfully ignoring all of my friends and with a potential crisis on the horizon, I need some friends.
Why I made this resolution: I feel that my significant other and I may be on shaky ground and I am going to need a support system pretty soon. OR, I am unemployed and need someone to pay for my social outings. OR, I just broke up with my significant other and am looking for a friend with benefits!
* I am going to travel more this year.
What this really means: I have joined the ranks of "Funemployment" (look it up, it will piss you off) OR I am coming up on a landmark birthday and don't want to be in town to celebrate it.
Why I made this resolution: See above.
* I am going to get more organized this year.
What this really means: I am so out of control that I showed up for a wedding that happened on the same date last year.
Why I made this resolution: All of my friends have complained that my place is a pig sty, I never show up for social events on time, and I never remember anyone's significant events. Really, this resolution will last for about 5 minutes until I go back to being the self centered narcissist that all of my friends really love me for.....
* I am going to quit smoking
What this really means: I am not going to smoke around the people I know that complain about it.
Why I made this resolution: So the people who complain about me smoking will shut the fuck up!
* I am going be more proactive about my health
What this really means: Men: You have a burning sensation in your penis when you pee and you REALLY need to get it checked out. Women: You are more than 2 weeks late and have turned 15 pregnancy tests positive, but are still hoping those home tests are cheap pieces of shit.
Why I made this resolution: Well, shit if the two examples above aren't reason enough...WTF? ;0)
You see where I am going with this. No one really ever means to carry out their resolutions, they just feel like it's something that's required at the new year. Kind of like going to church those four times a year (Easter, Palm Sunday Christmas, and New Year's). Or telling your significant other that they don't look fat when the button flies off their pants and almost takes your eye out. Or telling your significant other that of course they are the only one you've been with "like that"... whoa whoa whoa, I digress.....
So I think that we should all take a stand and boycott resolutions. Next year, don't place any kind of expectations on yourself, just go with the flow. And if you happen to miss a few important dates, then so be it. At least you won't be a lazy,unsuccessful, liar. Until next new years kiddies, keep your resolutions like you keep you hopes and dreams....UNFULFILLED!! Muah!!
